Cambodia began with magic…
Above are three photos from our day exploring the ruins of Angkor Wat, one of the wonders of the world. Definitely magical!
Last month was hard. For those who read my blog from Thailand, you know that I was struggling a lot with my identity and insecurities as I stepped into leadership of a new team. I also felt an unnerving numbness in ministry that really bothered me. It almost seemed like after 8 months of this, I was getting good at keeping my heart guarded so that it wasn’t broken when I left yet another country and ministry. But that translated into holding back rather than pouring out my energy, my heart, my life each day into the children at the home.
I hate being only half in. I struggled a lot throughout the month to know how to balance, pulled between the desire to pour into my team, find space for God to work in my own heart, give of my energy and strength each day we worked on the property, and then, on top of all that, to bring love and excitement to the children’s home each night. I didn’t know how to love them well. I hate knowing that I have so much more to give but not knowing how to give it in a way that it will be understood and received.
At the end of the month, I found out that our team was going to be working at an orphanage this month in Cambodia. Almost immediately, I began to BEG the Lord to make me fall in love with these kids. I asked Him to give me the passion and heart I had in Africa, where nothing thrilled me more than just being with the kids. We didn’t have to talk. We didn’t have to do anything wild and crazy. It was as simple as high-fives, strumming a tune on my guitar, or pulling out a camera, and before I knew it I would be buried in a pile of arms and legs and sweaty, laughing faces. During those three months, that literally became my favorite place to be.
On Sunday, we arrived! Our YWAM contact in Phnom Penh drove us to the orphanage. As soon as we pulled up in front of the gate, I felt the spark. The kids were standing at the gate, jumping up and down with excitement to greet us! They ran up to us, gave us high fives, and asked us what our names were. Rithy (pronounced Ree-tee), who runs the orphanage, was so welcoming to us. He is an incredible man of God who grew up in an orphanage because he was separated from his family during the early 80s (a very bloody and intense time in Cambodian history). Six years ago he started this orphanage, which now has 32 children! Some of them he literally found in the street and took home. Some have mental disabilities or were extremely malnourished when he found them and are only beginning to look and act like normal healthy children after months or years of care.
Arriving at the orphanage! We walk here each day to teach and spend time with the children.
Rithy had arranged for us to stay at a guesthouse a few blocks from the orphanage. We are so blessed! Our rooms have AC and a refrigerator and hot showers – it’s like living in a hotel for the month! The magic continues…
My birthday was a little over a week ago. At the time, we were in the middle of several health crises on our team. Britt ended up in the hospital for several nights, my toe was so infected that it was purple and swollen like a balloon, and so we spent most of the day in the hospital after my team had planned an incredible day that played out nothing like they hoped. Katie prayed at one point that my birthday would be magical… I guess I wondered if that got lost in translation, cuz we made the best of it but in all honesty there was nothing magical about it.
Well, God is a God of redemption and He definitely answers our prayers! When we arrived here at our guesthouse, my team pulled out a gift that they had bought for me. It was a pair of knee-length pants that look like they are straight out of Aladdin! They have tiny bells that dangle from the waist-band and jingle every now and then. I wore them the rest of the day. That afternoon, when we got back from the mall and supermarket, I slipped out onto our balcony and the only word that I can think of to describe the moment was “magical”. I forget sometimes how crazy my life is. It almost seems more normal to me right now to be in a strange land than it would seem if I was back in the U.S. (now THAT is the crazy thought!). On the bus ride earlier that day, I mourned aloud to Jo that sometimes I feel like I am losing the wonder of new places and new cultures and new things.
In that moment on the balcony, the wonder returned. As I looked out over colorful buildings and narrow streets, I felt that sense of awe and magic. It was as if Aladdin was about to appear on his magic carpet and whisk me away. It was as if the past was wiped clean and everything was new, fresh, and awe-inspiring!
My birthday pants – a gift from my team! The view of Phnom Penh from our balcony
I told Katie later, her prayer was answered! When I put on my birthday pants, even though they came a week late, everything seemed magical.
The magic faded when I ended up on the bathroom floor in my birthday pants that night, puking out the lunch I had eaten at the mall. My team is exhausted, and still a far cry from healthy and flourishing. My spirits plummeted last night and I couldn’t even explain the anxiety and unsettled feelings that engulfed me.
But today, the magic was back. We spent the morning at the orphanage, teaching the children about hygiene, playing guitar and singing, playing “Down by the Banks” and trying to learn the same names over and over.
Is it possible to be exhausted, feeling every bit of what it means to be in month 10 of the World Race, crying out in despair to the Lord for peace and joy… and at the same time, to believe that life really is magical and to fall in love?
This morning, my team’s prayer time looked like this – all of us flopped across the beds in our room, listening to music and lying like corpses as Katie told us to ask God for a word. She encouraged us to find a word that we can cling to in the moments of the day that we are stressed, frustrated, exhausted, or overwhelmed. The word He gave me was “peace”.
The Lord showed me that this life is like a dream. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, just lying there in the peace of His presence. He showed me that that is exactly what I get to do. In the spiritual, I am continually and constantly lying in His arms, resting. That is my spiritual state. Meanwhile, in the physical, I am moving, playing, holding kids, teaching them to wash their hands, and playing guitar. All of that is like a dream! My real state, my unchanging state, is rest in His arms. One day I will look back at all of this, the busy days, the reality of sweat and dirt and poured-out energy, and see it as a dream, an imagination, a distant memory. But my ongoing reality is one of rest and peace in my Papa’s arms. That is the real magic! That is the place that I operate out of each and every day. That is what it means when He says, “Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in Me.” (John 15:4)
One of my new friends at the orphanage 🙂
