Who is the Holy Spirit? How does He work and what role does He play in our lives? Why do we not see more of His moving in supernatural ways today, especially in America, like the Christians in the book of Acts did? How do we step into more of the Spirit and operate more fully in the power and gifts we have in Him?
These are the questions I have been asking. During the two months that we were team Meizon (before Robin left our team and Mark joined), John 14:12 was on my mind a lot: “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in Me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.” I have been wondering, questioning, and desiring more of the Holy Spirit for years. In part, I have held back because of things I’ve heard and seen that did not sit right in my spirit, that seemed forced, contrived, or just plain crazy. Yet more and more in my life and on the Race, I have deeply desired to receive and operate fully in what God has for us as believers, and the Holy Spirit is something He promises us as a blessing – our Helper and Comforter (John 14:16-17, 26)!
On the Race, I have seen the Spirit heal people through our prayers, give us prophetic words for one another, and draw people to salvation through our testimonies, sermons, dramas, and worship. Last month, I encountered something that drove me back to the Word yet again seeking answers – demonic influence in the lives of people I met and prayed for. The spiritual realm in Africa is real and present. It is not hidden and nebulous here. There is warfare happening and we cannot engage in battle by being nice people with big smiles. Satan is out to steal, kill, and destroy the lives of every man, woman, and child. I want to be on the offensive, armed with every weapon that is available to me!
Here’s a bit more from my heart about what I have been learning about the Spirit. This is from an email that I wrote to my parents at the end of our debrief this last week in Nairobi. I know that most of you probably have your own opinions and convictions about how the Holy Spirit operates, but I simply want to share my experience and the things that have been on my heart.
That night the squad came together for worship and it launched into a time of prayer for healing that was really hard for me. Hugh was calling us out of doubt, but the focus became on our doubt and the fact that healing wasn’t happening and I felt like people were believing that the reason there was not healing was because there was a cloud of doubt hanging over our squad, and all I felt was defeat. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to feel doubt, but I didn’t want to act out of a desire to look like I have faith for healing in that moment cuz honestly, I didn’t feel it. I wanted to be led not by what the people around me were speaking, but by the Lord’s voice. I felt so confused. If this was the Holy Spirit, and I know I’m hungry for Him and in love with the Lord, then why did I feel distress, frustration, fear and confusion rather than peace, joy and excitement? Why was it turning into feelings of accusation and debate among squad members rather than a rush of healing power and life and joy and peace and love?
Out of that time, more people began to speak out. One of our squad leaders, Brittany, has been speaking amazing prophetic words into people since the beginning of the race and I know without the shadow of a doubt that she hears from God. She has a powerful voice. In the previous couple days, I had already had people telling me that I need to speak, that I have wisdom and receive prophecies and I need to open my mouth and stop being afraid. Hugh had been telling me that all month. But this was the climax. Britt called me out in front of the whole squad. I was sitting on the floor, head on my knees, so much surging inside of me, and she says, “Jill, you need to speak!” She said more, that my team and the entire squad needs to hear my voice. I heard agreeing voices around the room. I kept my eyes closed, with Hosanna and Robin next to me holding my hands. I couldn’t hear anything from the Lord. I wondered what I was supposed to say because there was nothing that I knew in that moment to say to the squad. I waited. Time passed, other words were spoken, and then it somehow came back to me and Chase said, “Jill, Moses had a speech impediment and he was chosen to speak.” I thought again how I have never spoken out in front of the whole squad. At this point, that is just ridiculous. Everyone else has at some point or other. I even led worship the previous night (Sunday), yet I have never let my voice out in any risky way and allowed myself to be in the center of their attention.
Finally I did the only thing I knew to do in that moment – pour out my heart to the Lord. So I prayed out, my voice breaking into sobs, speaking my confusion and frustration and longing and desire for the Spirit. To speak in tongues, to heal, and my inability to understand the Spirit yet hunger for it. For the Spirit to move and fall as He did in the New Testament, on our squad. I finished praying and felt hands on me. My sisters and brothers gathered around me. Then Hosanna took my hand after several minutes.
“Jill,” she told me, “if you want to speak in tongues, you can right now.”
She explained it, and I finally (after so many years of hesitancy) said yes. Then she began to pray in tongues and as she did, I joined her. It was weird. Lol. It was so simple, like “Why have I never done this before?” I didn’t understand it at all. But I am learning something! I don’t have to understand the Holy Spirit and how He works to step into things of the Spirit. I know the Father, I know Jesus, I know the Spirit. I know my heart’s desire is for Him and if I step out in pursuit of Him in the best ways I know how, He is going to answer the desire of my heart, not let me fall into something wrong and false! I don’t feel like I’m a better person or Christian now because I’ve spoken in tongues. I’m really curious to do it more and learn more about it. In all of this, I am learning about obedience, and that I do not have to feel some mystical, supernatural emotion and experience in order to believe it is of the Lord. Rather, I can begin to believe and trust more and more that the things that are heavy on my heart are from Him. I don’t think spiritual gifts are meant to be mystical and obscure – I think they are meant to be part of our daily lives, the way that we process and function, as we are learning to be more and more in tune with the Spirit through walking with Him! This is so exciting for me! 🙂
So there you have it. There is so much of the Spirit that I can’t explain yet I know it is real! My conclusion in all this? I am learning so much and discovering new things about the Spirit, yet I continue to have unanswered questions and I have so much more to learn! But that is what excites me about God. He is bottomless, unfathomable, too big for our brains to comprehend. His Spirit works in ways that are mysterious and mind-boggling! My desire is for greater faith and more of Him!
