Have you ever felt completely lost in a room, panicky at the chaos around you or at a loss to know what is expected of you? Have you ever been in pitch black darkness, helpless to move forward or backward unless a light is struck? Or perhaps you’ve been tossed beneath the pounding surf until you don’t know which direction is up or if you will ever draw another breath?
Have you ever been so desperate for the Holy Spirit that you don’t know how to take another step, speak another word, or draw another breath without His help?
I have a new prayer on my lips tonight as I come before the Lord. It is this:
Let me be desperate.
Let me live desperately.
Let my confession be desperation.
We’ve been attending a youth conference this week at our church here in Oradea. Beginning Wednesday, we’ve gotten off work at the construction site at 4 pm, washed up, gobbled down some dinner and rushed out the door by 5 pm for a three hour service. The Spirit has been so present – high school and college age kids from all over Romania raising their hands to worship God, jumping up and down in excitement and joy at His presence, listening intently to the speakers and then responding to the altar calls in humility and hunger for more of the Lord.
Photo by Wes Vickers
My first night at the conference was a bit of a roller coaster ride. I came in from a long day of work, my sleep schedule had been inconsistent and inadequate, and the entire service was in Romanian (a language of which I know approximately three words). Yet I felt like the moment I grew weary or reached the end of my attention span, the Lord would zap me with energy in one way or another.
One of those moments was as I was listening to our translator. She was sitting in the row behind me – for the entire teaching time, I sat half-turned, ear strained to catch her words. The sermon was powerful and I felt so encouraged and blessed as I listened to the truth of the Word! But it struck me that I was not even aware of the man who was actually delivering the powerful words – in fact, I was not even looking at him. I was also oblivious to the people around me. My entire focus was on the soft voice guiding me through an experience that was completely foreign. I had no way of navigating or understanding on my own – I was desperate to hear what she said.
That was when the Lord whispered, “This is how the Holy Spirit is. He is your translator!”
Without a translator, I would have no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to be doing in that service (whether to stand, pray, come forward, etc.) – I would be completely lost. The Lord was telling me, “You are tuning out everything else in your effort to catch her words. In the same way, you must make My voice your number one focus every day, tuning out all the noise around you in order to hear the Spirit. He will make sense of the chaos, He will interpret the things you cannot understand, He will tell you what to do in every situation, He will navigate for you when you feel lost and confused. Your understanding of your own life and surroundings is narrow and limited, but I see the big picture! My understanding is infinite!”
I’ve been hanging out in the books of Galatians and Ephesians for several months now. As I dove further into this idea, a couple of verses came to rushing back to my mind.
Galatians 5:25 says, “Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”
In every part!That doesn’t sound half-hearted or “when I feel like it”. That sounds like desperation, like my next breath is dependent on it, as if it were the inspiration for every single word I speak. That sounds like He is supposed to be the One navigating me through my day, not my own conception and understanding of the events and people and circumstances around me.
Ephesians 5:17 tells us,“Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.”
Man, it is so easy to run off our own ideas, our own strength, and our own intuition. It’s what we do naturally: it’s what we’ve always done. But God is showing me that He has so much more.
I want to share just one example that falls very close to home in my life right now. Every night before bed, my team meets for team time. The central focus is on sharing feedback with one another, both positive and constructive, calling out each other’s gifts and also calling each other to greater things. I have been realizing that there are two options for how I approach feedback. Option one: show up unprepared and exhausted, rack my brain to think back over the day and then throw out something off the top of my head. The words I share may be nice and encouraging, but I feel like there is more that I could offer… Option two: I can intentionally seek the Lord in prayer for my teammates, honestly reflect on who they are and what God is doing in and through them, and ask Him for specific words and truth to speak into their lives, to call out the gifts in them and call them to greater things! Ironically, as I contemplated this I realized that our team name, “Meizon”, is the Greek word for “greater” – a greater used not to describe quantity, but quality. Jesus said in John 14:12, “Anyone who believes in Me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works.” When we first settled on the name it didn’t mean a whole lot to me, but I am coming to see it more and more as a prophetic name over our team as it is playing out in the things that God is calling us into!
During our first week here, He began answering my prayers as I asked for insight and truth to speak into my brothers and sisters. As I spent one morning journaling for my team, He placed specific things on my heart for every one of them that I was able to share that night. I was blown away by their responses and confirmation that I had heard God’s voice.
God is bringing me into a place of richness and joy and blessing this month that is blowing my mind! I am so overjoyed to be here, to be serving Him, to be placed on this team, and to have the privilege of seeking Him and finding Him. There are moments where I feel so blessed and overwhelmed by all He has done in me and the ways He is working and changing me that I feel like I will weep with joy! And yet in all of this, I am continually reminded that my wisdom is weak. My love is short-lived. My insight is blind. My entire strength and hope is that I have access to the voice of the Spirit, the Word of Jesus, and the throne of the Father. He continues to renew me day by day and speak into the uncertainty and questions and noise of my life in a voice that is mesmerizing and full of grace and truth.
So my encouragement and plea to you, my dear friends, is this: stop trying to control and sort out and bring balance to and make sense of your life. Instead, come to your Shepherd! Come as you are, come where you are, with honesty and humility and brokenness. Listen to His voice and let His voice calm the chaos in your heart and the questions in your mind. Let His voice be the light to your feet and the lamp to your path.
Come to Him desperate. And I promise you that He will make sense of the chaos and give you the light that leads to life! (John 8:12)
