Hey all! I'm in Honduras with lots of stories to tell, but God is putting a message on my heart heavily right now and so I want to share this with y'all first. I've been working on, praying about, and composing this blog for several weeks now. Please let God speak to your heart as you read it. And stay posted for more news from Honduras soon! Love you all!
WHO AM I? That is the question that racked my brain and quaked my world during our four days of debrief. We had come out of month two, gathering as a squad at a hotel in Honduras for what was meant to be a time of rest and refreshment. Instead, I felt storm-tossed and confused, as though I had taken a leap forward only to fall three steps back. I was once again questioning my identity and even something deeper… my worth.
I’ve always been the good kid. I can’t remember an instance in my entire life when I’ve been accused of rebelling or going off the deep-end. I have an endless list of “I never’s" that begins with “no tattoos or piercings” and ends with “never been drunk or high or slept around”. And since I grew up in a community that valued all those things,it was easy enough to find my worth in how I was perceived by the people around me.
Like I said, I’ve had this blog in the back of my mind for several weeks now, but haven’t yet been able to put it on paper. In fact, I’ve been brainstorming on it ever since I got the wild idea to put bright purple dye into my hair, something I had never dreamed of doing in my “former life”. Why? Because I knew it would rock the boat, and the driving force in my life has always been to please others. But God was rocking more than my boat. He was rocking my world, inviting me to jump in over my head and leave the safety of my shell once and for all.
Let me divert your attention for a moment to look at my shell. I’ve lived in it my entire life, so I wouldn’t be surprised if many of you recognize what I describe from having watched me, grown up with me, and lived with me. MY SHELL is fear of the spotlight, fear that I will stand out or draw attention to myself in a way that would threaten the favor I receive from others. MY SHELL is smiling and saying “I’m good” when I am DYING on the inside. MY SHELL is sitting quietly in the background, apologizing if I ever make a mistake or offend anyone, avoiding arguments and conflict at all cost, making sure that everything I do is as close to perfection as possible.
Month one of the Race, I climbed out of my shell, and then climbed back into it. Month two, I climbed out of my shell and stayed out, though I kept it nearby just in case things got too scary. Just knowing it was still there was comforting. Month three, by the grace of God, I am going to take a sledge-hammer and shatter my shell so that I can never climb back into it again!
This is what God has been doing in me. He is inviting me to take a bold step in proclaiming that I AM FREE! To renounce fear by facing it head-on, denying it the power of holding me captive in the dark and hidden recesses of my heart and mind. In that process, He was bringing up things from the past and revealing to me the obsessive intensity of my people-pleasing, performance-driven mentality.
I believe that part of this process was for you. I have hesitated to compose this blog because I desperately want you to receive these words that God has put on my heart. So many of you, like I have been, are caught up in a Christian lifestyle that is focused on, even obsessed with external appearances… i.e. people-pleasing. How can I convey this message to you in the full weightiness with which the Lord is placing it on my heart?
The process that God has been bringing me through (leading to the idea of getting my hair highlighted as a symbol of His work) has brought up a lot of realizations about my past. I am rediscovering the truth that if we value external appearance and performance over heart-attitude we are causing injury to the body of Christ and acting against the heart of Christ. Demanding that we live by law is to enslave those that Christ has set free (Gal. 2:4)! I have seen an attitude of legalism deeply wound my friends and family members by causing them to feel that their value is determined by their compliance with the rules, rather than their worth in Christ alone.
In 2 Corinthians 5:16, Paul says, “So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view.” In contrast, I feel like my life has been consumed with evaluation from a human point of view. Want a peek into my head? This is so often my thought process:
What if you think that purple hair demonstrates rebellion and I’ve gone off the deep-end or am being extremely immature? What if you disapprove of me when I dance undignified during worship at church because I am so filled with joy at the Spirit’s presence? Or even worse, what if you think I am trying to draw attention to myself? What if you don’t like the sound of my voice when I praise Jesus or think that I am singing too loud? What if you dislike my outfit and think it is inappropriate? What if one of these things, or any number of others, cause you to question my heart and my relationship with Jesus?
Like myself, I believe that many of you live in crippling fear of what your community, your church, and your leaders think of you. You are consumed with their analysis of your spiritual status. You have neglected your heart and relationship with God as secondary to keeping the people around you happy. You are more focused on what you look like when you are at church then on what God is doing in your heart while you are there! My dear friends, THIS REALITY BREAKS MY HEART! God is inviting you into freedom like you have never known. I considered before I dyed my hair that some of you might find fault with it. And then I read 2 Corinthians 6:6, “We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love.” Not by the clothes we wear, the color of our hair, or the amount of make-up or jewelry we have on.
WHO ARE YOU? When it is just you and your Father, removed from the expectations, the demands, and the desires of anyone else, who are you in that moment? That person is who He is freeing you to be at every moment of every day. That person is who He created you to be in the beginning.
That person is defined by grace.
