My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.
-Psalm 73:26
A couple of weeks ago, I was finishing up my time in Cambodia. It had been a good month of ministry, but also a “hard” month in many ways, with heat, bugs, and dirt galore. But that was okay, because we were going to spend a couple of days in the capital before flying out to month 11, and I had BIG plans for my last month on the race. If you had asked me then what month 11 on the race was going to look like, this is what I would have told you:
“Month 11 on my race is going to be the best! It’s going to be the month that I pour out every last bit I have within me. I’m going to wake up early to work out and get in my quiet time. Every day is going to be spent expending all of my energy with ministry. Even free time will be spent with the kids. I’ll have my alone time, but I’m going to be making all sorts of crazy fun memories with my team, too. It’s going to be go, go, go and give, give, give and it’s going to be everything I’ve ever hoped for!”
–Overexcited and slightly delusional Jill of the past
Let’s fast forward, shall we?
I’ll try and save you all the unnecessary details, but to sum it up quick: I got sick.
Most people make the assumption that after 11 months of traveling and being exposed to so many things, you’ve got this superhero immune system. That, my friends, is a most unfortunate myth.
This girl found herself stuck in bed for the better part of ten days, gazing longingly out the window at all the fun being had by my teammates and our contacts as they helped out with a sports camp. And if that wasn’t bad enough, it all culminated with my first ever overnight hospital stays and a diagnosis of yet another round of typhoid fever, this one a bit nastier than the last.
Quite the sad little duck I was.
I mean shoot, I had expectations! And those most certainly did NOT include missing out on the crucial first days of getting to know everybody at our ministry, sleeping all the time, missing my only opportunity for sports ministry on the race, and being unable to eat the first biscuit I’ve seen in months. 🙁
But right before I took the plunge into sickliness, I had sat at a coffee shop having a conversation with Kendall about the Philippines. We started talking about what we wanted out of the month, and as I was telling her about my plans, I had an epiphany. I remember telling her that although I had so much in mind for the month, at the end of the day I wanted it to be what the Lord wanted it to be, not what I wanted it to be.
Don’t you just love when you get tested to see if your words really match up with your life?
Being sick is NOT what I wanted for my month 11. But I got sick. If I’m being honest, there were many moments of being discouraged and frustrated and totally going all “woe is me.” But even in sickness I had a choice to make.
Now I don’t know if God “chose” for me to be sick or not, but the fact remains that it’s what I was, and thankfully I’ve read Job recently enough to remember, who are we to question God?
Whatever situation we are in, we can still choose to be thankful and praise the Lord and seek out what He has for us in it all. Because in my opinion, He ALWAYS has something for us in it all. So no, I wasn’t in my ideal situation, but I chose to believe that there was something to learn from where I was at.
Sometimes lessons are a little fuzzy to understand when you’re in the middle of the mess, so over the past week I’ve tried to reflect on all the gifts that being sick brought me that I might not have had otherwise.
It forced me to slow down, stop even, and spend some time reflecting on what this experience has meant to me. Often I’ve been so caught up in always doing and going that I’ve missed the importance of processing.
It humbled me. It reminded me that this whole thing was never about Jill, never about how great of an experience I could have, but rather all about bringing glory to God and loving His people, even if I’m not the one getting to do the loving.
It made me more thankful. Thankful for days I’ve spent healthy, and even thankful that in my sickness I still had the strength and resources to get better.
It made the days I’ve spent in ministry this month even more special. Too many months have ended with me being tired, maybe even burnt out, and taking for granted my last days with people. But I can honestly say that I’ve cherished every crazy moment with the kids here these past couple of days, and if I could I think I’d choose to hold them in my lap forever.
So in a weird way, I guess I’m kind of glad I got sick. Because who knows if I would have had these revelations otherwise? My situation wasn’t fun, and I might not have always handled it perfectly, but I found within it lessons to help me grow, time to seek my Father, and an opportunity to declare that, no matter what our circumstances look like, God is still good and we always have reason to be thankful.
That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
-Romans 8:28 (The Message)
