At a night of worship at my church a couple of months ago (I know I know, I really need to work on communicating in a timely fashion), I had some visions. But for the fun of it, I'd like to think of them as my little games of pictionary with God.
Picture one. I'm Peter, and Jesus is calling me to walk on water. And I step out of the boat, and I'm doing it! But then I look to my left and then to my right, and there are huge waves about to pound down on me. One is a relationship filled with insecurities and doubts. The other is a number. $15,500. And I start to think, I can never take on those waves. And I sink. I sink fast. Yeah, I'm drowning.
But God draws a continuation of the story. Jesus reaches down and grabs hold of me tightly. He pulls me up from the ocean waters that were overtaking me. He looks at me and just as He said to Peter, He speaks of my small faith. And He turns to the waves that had once seemed so huge and daunting, and He calms the storm. And where once I saw that relationship and those numbers, He replaces with His truth.
"Now all Glory be to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." -Ephesians 3:20
"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 Corinthians 9:8
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7
"Delgiht yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4
Picture two. Children of God preparing for battle. The World Racers all lined up ready to fight for what they know and believe in – for a God and a Christ that brings hope to a broken world. And they're all in their armor with shields in hand, and at the end of the line is me. And I'm without protection. No weapons or gear. It's just me. Vulnerable. Weak. Insufficient.
You see, one of my biggest insecurities in regards to this trip is that I am not good enough to go and proclaim the Gospel to all nations. I haven't memorized enough Bible verses. Anytime I try to recall a Bible story I get nervous that I'm using the wrong names. I just don't know as much as everyone else on this trip. I don't have all the answers to all the questions about faith. I'm just not good enough or smart enough or spiritual enough to bring others to Christ or to help battle evil in this world.
Then I start drawing more to this picture. I may not have all the knowledge, but I've got the heart. I may get more cuts and bruises than everyone else because I'm not as well prepared, but God I'm willing, and isn't that what is more important? I want to be used by God. I want to fight for righteousness. My heart is bleeding out of my chest to bring more love into the world. That's enough, right?
But then God comes back with a different picture.
"But He said to me 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in WEAKNESS'…" -2 Corinthians 12:9
"You did not choose me, but I CHOSE YOU, and appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit that will last. Then the father will give you whatever you ask in my name" -John 15:16
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." -Ephesians 6:10-17
Truth. Righteousness. Readiness. Peace. Faith. Salvation. Spirit. Now that's an armor I can step into!
Picture three. A storm. Funny, because despite all my insecurities and fears, I didn't feel like I was in a storm at the time. Indeed, life felt pretty sunshine-y, so this vision felt more like a warning of a storm on the horizon. But as the wind whipped my hair, rain smarted my face, and the darkness closed in, I had this feeling that I had someone standing beside me, whispering that He was there. Holding my hand. Keeping me strong.
And God didn't really paint anything back on this one. Not going to lie, it was a little confusing. And honestly, I got a little nervous about what kind of storm was heading my way. Not fun. You know what is even more not fun? The storm that came in the form of a battle – me vs. demons attacking me and some of my friends through various situations. It rocked me. It tore at me and my faith. It confused me and frustrated me. It made me question things that I had been so confident in only a week prior. At times, I could not hear God. I couldn't feel Him. And I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Him down. I hadn't had a strong enough faith to win a battle for Him.
In hindsight, though, I know that God was there. Even when I didn't see Him or feel Him or hear Him, I know He was there because I know that I have a God that does not abandon. I know that I have a God that I can praise through the storm, because He is great and He is good and He is beautiful even when the world is getting ugly. He is refuge and He never turns away. He is by my side. And there will be battles in this life that I will lose, because we still live in a world in which Satan prowls and devours anyone that He can. But the bigger picture holds the truth, that battles are battles but the war was won long ago. Jesus claimed victory on the cross. Take away? Satan is dumb. Jesus has won. Even still, I will continue to fight the small battles each day for that which is good and right – I will fight for my King. I will put my trust and my faith in Him.
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." –Psalm 18:2
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." –Isaiah 41:10
When I set out to write this blog (since it has been so long since my first one), I had a completely different idea of what I was going to write. I wanted to tell you all about what I've been learning the past two weeks. But for whatever reason, God laid this on my heart to type out instead. So even though it is a couple of months late, I hope it can bring comfort or encouragement or truth to someone. Who knew so much learning could come from a "family game night" with God?
