Today I sat across from my most trusted mentor. And as we discussed my past, my present, and my future, a startling conclusion was reached. I was brimming with tears as he looked me in the eyes and said,
"Your life has been ruined."
Not quite the encouraging word you were expecting, right? Nor I. In fact, for a moment I was definitely taken aback. A smidge confused.
Uhhh…what?
But I knew there was wisdom and meaning behind the words, and as we continued talking, it only took a couple of seconds for it all to click. So many of the emotions I've been dealing with since my return to the United States were finally making a bit more sense. The frustration, the loneliness, the heartache, the guilt, the desperation, the urgency, the need, the yearning of my soul.
I believe one of the sayings associated with The World Race is "wrecked for the ordinary."
Welp, you finally got me.
I'm wrecked.
My life is ruined.
How can I help you understand? Maybe I need to back up for a moment.
If you asked me ten years ago where I'd be today, on the brink of 25, I'm pretty sure I would have painted you a pretty picture of a nice paying job, marriage to prince charming, a decent sized home with super cool furnishings, definitely an awesome dog or two, …etc. Shoot, if you had asked me the first couple of months of my race I would have probably responded the same!
But for now, all that seems to have changed.
You see, back in Thailand God and I had a little discussion on a random public bus in Bangkok that went a little something like this:
Jill: "Man, today was tiring. But I'm digging this music I'm listening to. Oh look, a McDonald's."
God: "Oh hey Jill. I don't think you should be a teacher or school psychologist."
J: "WHOA. Back that train up. Where is this coming from? Don't you know that has been my plan for like…ever?"
G: "Yeah. I know that's your plan. But I've got a better one."
J: "But it is so perfect! I will be on the same schedule as my kids and will get summers off to do short term missions and…(insert lots of attempts at explaining my common sense logic to a God beyond all of it)."
G: "Possibly. It's not a bad plan. It's just that I have a better one. I know you. I made you. Trust me."
J: "ano;vsfnfjawihfiosdanvclnvofesfjiawojfkldsngmfdnbklfd;sfie"
(In case it isn't clear, at this point, I'm having one of those freakout panic moments.)
J: "Okay, you're asking me to let go of my dreams to grab onto…what?"
G: "Missions. Non-profits."
J: "Um, okay, that's pretty dang vague. If I'm really going to let go of my plans, I need more to replace it."
G: "I just want you to let go and cling to me. You're letting go to embrace more of me. And I'll lead you down my path, toward my dream for you, day by day. Just trust me."
And so that day, with some crazy nerves, I let go of my own personal dreams and decided to follow God's heart for me.
My dreams weren't wrong or bad, I want you all to get that, because I am in no way condemning those of you who have various careers. The Kingdom can be brought in a variety of ways and is needed in every workplace out there. And I have great respect and love for my brothers and sisters who take God with them to their job day in and day out to be glorified.
It's just that through all of this, I finally realized that God had wired me for something different. It's not just the journey I've been on this far that has led me here, but it's deeper. It's etched into my very DNA, written on the deepest parts of my heart.
I recently had a conversation with a friend where I admitted that if someone told me that I had one month left to live, I would want to be spending it growing closer to the Lord and serving and loving in His name. And if that is the greatest desire of my heart, why in the world would I wait for a death sentence to carry it out? To do anything else seems a bit like wasted time.
So I'm pursuing missions and non-profits.
Hello career change.
And if we are talking in terms of what I thought would be my life in comparison to what it actually is, let us evaluate. I'm almost 25, I have no job and thus no income (although I'd like to take this time to thank Obama for the fact that I still have insurance), no home of my own other than a room at my parents still decorated via middle school, no romantic relationships that are based in reality, no pets other than a stuffed penguin named Petey. You following me here? Not exactly the American dream.
Hello total life change.
(Disclaimer: I still desire to make somewhat of a living, have my own place, get married, have kids, own a pup, and so on. But the surrounding circumstances and timing on all that has definitely changed.)
My life is ruined.
Since being back from the race…
I'm unsatisfied anytime I get sucked into a TV show, because I know that there are better and more important uses of my time.
I find my closet exhausting. I've (unintentionally) continued to embrace the whole idea of wearing the same ten outfits all the time, and though I've gone through and weeded out a lot to give away, I'm still left with a ridiculous amount of clothing that I don't really need.
I'm frustrated with the amount of food I see being wasted, especially by myself.
I sometimes walk into my home and am overwhelmed by its size, and the fact that my garage is larger than most of the homes I stayed in while I was gone.
Making any kind of large purchase stresses me out.
I hate sitting around and gossiping or sharing secrets, and in my (new) ideal world, when my friends and I got together we would pray and worship (and maybe play a game or two of corn hole or loaded questions, let's stay real).
I'm annoyed with the trinkets I've accumulated over the years. What exactly is their purpose? At this point, the mention of another gift makes me cringe.
I look at pictures of children on the streets and break down into tears.
I have conversations with homeless people and can't stop thinking about them and how they must feel.
I visit those in prison and physically feel within my chest a desperation for them to know that they are loved.
I'm just sick of things the way they are.
What the heck is wrong with me?
My life is ruined.
I've seen things, heard things, experienced things that will forever be held in my mind and imprinted on my heart. Poverty, homelessness, sickness, slavery, orphans, prisoners, widows – those aren't just words or pictures or stories or statistics to me anymore. They are real life. They have names, they have faces, and they have stolen my heart. They have forever changed my life. I am forever burdened for them. And I can't just sit around and ignore it. I'm moved to do something.
My life is ruined.
Now don't misread me here. I'm no saint, and I deserve no praise. I still battle with my flesh day in and day out. I'm no better or worse than anybody else.
But God has placed within me a conviction, coupled with His grace, mercy, and forgiveness, to lead me out of my ruined life, and into His.
For His glory, my old way of doing things, my old life, the life I'd built in the context of the American culture I've been raised to live by and through and for each day, is now ruined.
My life is ruined.
But His life for me?
Oh it is just beginning.
And it contains more joy and peace and love and excitement and adventure and truth and Kingdom than anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined on my own.
A song I started to cling to toward the end of my race says this:
Come away with me. It's never too late. It's not too late for you.
I have a plan for you. It's gonna be wild. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be full of Me.
Open up your heart, and let Me in.
So although I may have had my own life plans, those have been happily ruined, as I turn to my Father, and trust Him, knowing that He has a plan for me, and that's its going to be one crazy, beautiful, wild ride.
But I wouldn't want it any other way.
I share all this, because it leads to where I'm at now. I've been patiently waiting for more answers from God about my specific calling, and He's been testing that patience quite brilliantly. And although I still don't know everything, He has led me to my next step in seeking Him.
So with great excitement, I share that tomorrow, I will be moving down to Gainesville, Georgia to partner with Adventures in Missions once more through their new program, Center for Global Action.
I am beyond excited to get behind the scenes at AIM and serve them stateside. And on top of that, I will be entering back into an environment where I will be pushed, challenged, encouraged, and loved by my brothers and sisters in Christ as I take the time to deepen my faith, seek more intimacy with my Father, and discover His passions and dreams for me and my life.
As one chapter ends, the next begins…
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.
-Proverbs 3:5-6
Please continue to partner with me in prayer as I spend this time in discipleship, pursuing a life that desires God and His Kingdom above all else, to glorify Him, and to let His children know of His love.
