Worship. For most of my life I’ve thought that to be an adequate worship leader, one needed a beautiful voice and a legit talent with a musical instrument. So lately I’ve been pretty confused about why the heck I’m being encouraged to step into this role of leading worship. I mean, me?! Really?!
Just for fun, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
When it comes to vocal performances, I think I’ve had at least one significant moment per chapter of my life.
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Pre-school/kindergarten. My grandmother used to watch me a lot when I was younger, and a result of this is countless videotapes of me singing my little heart out for her. Though my speech impediment at times takes away from the emotional depth of the songs, I believe that my unfaltering enthusiasm makes all the difference. Best work? A tie between “Achey Breaky Heart” and “How Much is that Doggy in the Window.”
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Elementary school. Ah, the days of choir. Now I’m not sure about my voice, but I can tell you that I probably should have been on the cover of a style magazine with our sweet maroon and khaki uniforms. I’m also proud of the fact that I can still tell you the names of all fifty states thanks to the “Fifty Nifty United States” song. Most memorable performance? My only solo (I think), 4th grade, verse 2, “The Cat Came Back.” I’m still slightly confused/concerned about why we were singing a song about trying to kill a cat in elementary school, particularly when the last verse was written by a classmate and included the cat being “blown away” by a 12 gauge.
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Middle school. This is when I became sure that one day I would be a rockstar. As a part of Patriot Power Team, I was traveling around to local schools putting on skits and singing songs about the importance of being drug free. Not only did we rewrite BSB’s “Larger than Life” to convey why you shouldn’t do drugs, but there was a corresponding dance, I had a solo, AND I got to run around with a cordless mic. CHA-CHING! Big time, I’m telling you.
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High school. One year I convinced my parents to buy me an acoustic guitar and get me lessons, and I loved it…for about six months. Then I was encouraged to lead worship one night at youth group, and to say that I crashed and burned would be an understatement. Okay, you’re right, I’m being dramatic. But the set still ended with me in front of all my peers, sitting cross legged in the floor, doing my best to hit the right chords, while having given up on the singing side of things all together. I was humiliated, and in that moment I gave up any and all dreams of being a serious singer or guitar player.
- College. Is rap included in the area of singing? If so, then let it be noted that Gangster Jill made an appearance sophomore year when I rapped Left-Eye’s part of “Waterfalls” in front of Transylvania’s Greek community. If not, then I’ll have to go with a random performance senior year at a Women’s History Month Open Mic Night on campus, where I performed a very serious and moving song with my friend DP accompanying on piano. This little gem made its way to Youtube where it has racked up over 2,000 hits (thanks Mom for watching it three times a day over the last two years). Grab a tissue and click here to discover why (my mom thinks) I’m kind of a big deal.
Yep, that's me making the crowd go wild, TLC style
So given the evidence, I think we can all agree that based on my previous definition of a worship leader, I just don’t fit the jacket. But worship has been a huge part of my journey on the race, and I’ve come to realize that maybe, just maybe, I’ve had the definition all wrong.
I remember in high school that I always really enjoyed worship. But when I started going to deeper and more intimate places with the Lord post-college, worship became one of my greatest passions. I cherished the moments at church when I could just get lost in singing praises. Being a part of a huge congregation meant that I could sing as loud as I wanted or fall to my knees if I felt led without anyone noticing. It was my special time with God, and it was where I felt renewed.
Then came the race. At first, I was blessed to have a church to attend each week where they would worship, and usually in English. But the numbers were always small and I found myself contained in a box, too afraid of what all these strangers would think if I sang off key or looked a little strange.
India came, and with that was the blessing of empty rooftops. I was desperate for worship where I could just let loose and be real with God. So I started to sneak off with my teammate’s guitar at nights, fumbling through chords as I tried to recall them from my past. Once I got the hang of it again, worship became my sanctuary, where I could sing out over the city the words that were on my heart to God. I loved it, and it was mine. My time. My special songs. My worship.
But what I didn’t know was that a teammate had become privy to my little sessions, and before I knew it he was speaking life into it, asking me to play before others. Panic. I was reluctant at first, but every once in a while I would let people hear. I remember at the end of the month, our squad had come together and people were playing volleyball and goofing around, and I sat down with the guitar beside the fire and played a song or two. No one was really paying much attention, but even still the moment I got done the enemy immediately attacked me with feelings of embarrassment, insufficiency, distress, and shame.
So I retreated back into my worship hole, only occasionally letting my team in with me. But then came our month four debrief, where at squad worship one night, there was an invitation for anyone who wanted to play a song to come forward. And of course, don’t you know God prompted my heart with a particular song. You know those moments I’m talking about, right? When God asks you to do something that you really don’t want to do, but the moment is there and your heart is racing and you’re starting to sweat and He’s going all Nike pro on you like “Just do it!” So I did. And a little chunk of the enemy’s hold over my worship fell to the ground. But I still wasn’t ready to declare any kind of worship leader title over myself – I mean it was just one song.
Then came Kenya. Looking back on it now, that was the big moment for me when the strongholds about worship finally started to really break. In church one Sunday, I experienced personal freedom in worship in a new way (There is freedom in this place…). And then the first week there, I was scheduled to bring the message at a crusade, and God asked me to actually sing/play the song that I was planning on talking about in front of hundreds of people I didn’t know (Don't worry – we have license to make noise).
But the biggest moment came that same day at a prayer meeting before the crusade. The pastor in charge asked for everyone to go around the circle and share a word from the Lord, and I found my verse and what does God ask me to do? Sing it. My immediate reaction? Are you crazy?! I’m not a singer! I just read this verse for the first time five minutes ago! I don’t even have a tune! I don’t know if I’ll hit the notes! I don’t have an instrument so it’ll just be my voice! I just met these people! No way! Absolutely not!!
But as it got closer and closer to my turn, that whole heart racing, sweating, think you’re going to puke thing started happening again, and I knew I had to try. So I closed my eyes, and I just belted it, shaking the whole entire time. Afterward I wouldn’t look anybody in the eyes, but on a personal level, something had happened inside of my heart. In that moment I felt a release from deep within me, and I knew that my worship, whether it was meant to be shared or not, was powerful.
Worship with my team in the ocean
I’ll admit that I still had hesitancy toward “leading worship,” because I just couldn’t seem to let go of the fact that I’m not a talented singer or guitar player. But my team continued to encourage me until one day, I found myself at month eight debrief being asked to lead worship all by myself in front of not just my own squad, but another squad of peers out on the field that I didn’t even know.
I was so nervous leading up to the meeting. I kept going over and over the songs, trying to figure out the best key to play them in so that I could hit all the notes. But I just kept getting it all wrong. I had told my teammate Savannah that I couldn’t wait to get home, where I could sit facing the woods in my backyard, just me and my guitar, singing as loud as I could and not having to worry about anyone or anything but God and my heart. And she told me that I needed to stop wishing and waiting to get home for that, and just let them into that passionate place of worship now.
So there I sat, just me and my guitar in front of 80 people, the majority of whom were complete strangers. And the best I could do was close my eyes, and just let it be a time for me and Him. And you know, I think that was enough. I don’t remember much about the worship set – I’m pretty sure that I missed a few chords and didn’t hit all the notes. But it didn’t matter. Because I gave it my heart, letting my worship flood out as His love flooded in.
Photo from that night thanks to my proud moms/biggest fans – my team
I finally realized that night that a worship leader isn’t just someone who’s been trained to sing and play. It’s most importantly someone who is willing to let their heart lead the way into Holy places with the Lord.
Leading others in worship is still very new to me, and I don’t know yet if it is something that will continue after the race, but I can say that I’ve fallen even deeper in love with worship than before. I’m trying not to let my insecurities or my past have any control over my devotion to my Father. I’m letting the chains hit the floor and declaring that I am free to strum my guitar, dance like a fool, and SING OUT LOUD to my Creator. I won’t hold back any longer.
And I hope that you won’t, either. Brother and sisters, sing loud! Dance around! Shout it out! Let your heart start a riot! Because that is what worship and praise is all about. All He is after is your heart.
Photos taken by Golf, one of our partners in ministry in Thailand
“…be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts.” -Ephesians 5:18-19
