As I was prepping to come on the race, I remember every person saying at least once:
“Wow, you’re going to experience so much. You are going to come back a new person.”
I knew that was true and I still do. It’s what I was most excited for. I value learning and growing into always becoming the best version of myself that I know the Lord wants me to be.
Apparently, something the Lord wanted to change in me was the thing I didn’t know I sucked at:
e m o t i o n s
I’m really good at the good ones. Happiness, joy, peace. love.
But sadness? Pain?
Never. I’ve experienced that once in my life and I never planned to return. Who likes to feel that?? Not me.
But the Lord said, “you are going to feel”
YUCK.
So, a little back story:
I come from a very big family. Mexican-Americans.
Tough. Loud. Hilarious. But mostly tough. Especially the women.
I get it.
They experienced a lot growing up.
They’ve seen abuse in one home or another. Or in their neighborhoods.
They were born and raised in the States, but moved around a lot.
They worked for everything they have. Husband or not.
Absent father or not.
There was no space to cry, and if you did, my grandma (MamaLupe) would give them a reason to cry. (A spanking)
Growing up I also established that crying was a sign of weakness. If I cried, it better have been because something horrible happened. Like I needed to go to the hospital or someone died.
No one ever explicitly said, “crying is bad.” But you get the hint when you cry and someone questions why you’re crying in a way that is not asking how you’re feeling, rather in a way that sends the message that, “this is weird. Don’t do that. We don’t do that here”
I’m not saying anyone was mean, it was just different.
Many people grow up like this to some extent. Some of you reading, I am sure.
I’m a strong, independent woman because of this.
It made me think with my head more.
I became more logical as a child.
Always seeking wisdom.
Never letting my emotions get the best of me.
And making sure no one ever took advantage of me.
Especially a man.
Those of you that know me on a more personal level, know I don’t cry that easily.
And to be honest, I probably thought at one point “why are you crying?” If you were next to me, in tears. I apologize because I simply never learned what to do with my own emotions, let alone someone else’s.
But, do you want to know when I would cry?
In movies. To soundtracks. Music. Art.
Ever since I was little, my mom would call me a “chillona” (cry baby) when it came to movies.
And it was true.
I even cried in Click! Like come one, that’s not even a sad movie!
There’s actually a scientific reason, though:
I was listening to a podcast about Embodiment one day and my whole world made sense. (I’ll link the podcast below – it’s brilliant. Listen to it.)
What I learned is that this is an actual way that some people who grew up in environments like I did, release emotions. And that I simply have a dis-regulation of affect.
The psychologist described that as, “people who experience an inability to feel their emotions and do something constructive with them, or people who aren’t given permission relationally and struggle getting in touch with the emotions that come up really strong.”
For me, it was that I was indirectly not given permission to feel sadness if it wan’t a good reason. Or at least that’s how I interpreted it.
You see, in movies, you enter into a different world. It is false reality. It is also not my own. This means that if I am crying, it is for whatever reason the story line is allowing or creating.
I now have a reason to cry for something that is not for myself.
So I cry quickly and hard.
I don’t fear someone asking me why I am crying, because it’s there on the screen, not something I have to unpack within myself and face.
I heard in the same podcast that it’s hard for people to enter into the hard emotions because they’re afraid that if they let themselves start feeling, that it will never stop.
That the tears will go on forever. That the funk won’t go away.
I used to fear that. I still do sometimes.
But, this isn’t what the Lord wants for me.
He wants me to feel. To embody all that I am. We are humans. Complex.
Crying isn’t a bad thing.
It’s actually healthy.
The tears will stop.
This is not forever.
It is also ok to still think more with your head than your heart.
And its ok to feel and name sad, angry emotions if I have them.
I carry joy, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel for and with people.
Finally, it is especially ok to feel for myself.
(Read part 2 to read what God finally did through my emotions)
Embodiment – The Liturgists
http://www.theliturgists.com/podcast/2018/3/8/embodiment
