I read somewhere once in college that whatever you think about the most is what you worship. It has become an idol in your life. That has stuck with me ever since, because I had to ask myself, “Is God the one that rules my thoughts?” I know how distracted I naturally am as a person. And I hate it. To worship God with my entire being – heart, soul and mind is my biggest desire as His daughter.
But man I’ll tell you, this mind can wander and struggles with focusing.
One day during a worship session with my new team, we went out to the beach (the Black Sea) to sit with the Lord in silence and in awe.
Then one of our teammates had the idea to write down things on rocks that we needed to cast away into the ocean.
So we did that. Knowing that there were a lot of lies, distractions and idols we needed to surrender to the Lord.
And I want to share with you mine.
The biggest things I struggle with. The biggest distractions and lies that keep me from walking fully into who the Lord calls me to be. The foxes that ruin the vine.
Fear:
– Fear of the future. Fear that dreams wouldn’t happen. Fear of man.
You’ll notice that fear seems to be the root of all of these. The Lord has revealed to me how fearful I actually am. I never thought of myself as a fearful person, but when it comes to things that are near and dear to my heart, oh man, don’t get me started. I fear getting disappointed, failing and getting hurt.
So here’s the truth of the Lord that I speak over this with:
“I will rest in the Promises of the Lord. His Faithfulness is my confidence”
(yes that’s a song and it’s my anthem for this season)
Future:
– This one was more of an idol. I am a futuristic person to my core, and this has always been something I’ve had to surrender to the Lord. I think about the future ALOT. Too much, i’m sure. I’m not a planner, but when it comes to my own life, I want to know what’s next. The next big adventure. But during this race, the Lord directly told me to stop thinking about the future. To be fully present. To not think or look into jobs, schools, etc. That was and still is hard. But, I’ve seen the fruit and joy that being fully present to this journey has created.
So, here’s to trusting the Lord with my future. Trusting that everything will happen in it’s own timing. That I don’t need to worry. I will have provisions everywhere and anywhere He calls me to, when He calls me. My dreams are in His hands. I trust His timing.
Self-protection:
– The lie that if I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, no one will hurt me. That if I don’t care too much, or love too much, then I have the power. That I am the one who gets to play the cards. Balls in my court. This is mostly with my community. It’s easy for me to love strangers, but when I know that I have the chance at building a friendship that is ever growing, there’s fear of being abandoned. Knowing that they can leave anytime they want. This goes back to past hurts.
But, I want to love how Jesus loves. He doesn’t give His heart in pieces. His love isn’t shy. It’s unashamed. So, here’s to not hiding myself. To being okay with pain and heartbreak, because it’s a part of life. To trusting these God-given relationships. To not letting my love be insecure, but rather a reckless overflow of the love I know from my Father.
Not Enough:
– Ah, the lie that has caused me the biggest setbacks and regrets. Thinking I’m not talented enough. Not the best guitar player, best singer, best evangelist, not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, cool enough, spiritual enough, the list could go on and on.
So, here’s to believing that I AM ENOUGH. That my worth and value does not come from being the best. That my gifts and abilities are unmeasurable. That I am capable because the Lord doesn’t look at my proficiency, but rather my availability and my heart. That I am loved for exactly who I am. The perfect ratios that make up every part of me. I don’t need to be any more of “this”, and I don’t need to lessen or be any less of “that”.
During this time of bringing this to the Lord, I found this letter in my Bible that I wrote to myself on the plane flying to our very first country, Colombia. I thought it was so cool because I haven’t seen it since that day! But, it’s still relevant. And that’s okay. We have a gracious Father who understands our hearts and knows what we need. So, I prayed this prayer again over these last 2.5 months left of the race. These lasts months of continuously pointing myself back to the Father daily with my entire heart, soul and mind.
“Hi God,
I’m so sorry. Let’s backtrack. You said, “come back to me. I want to be the only one at the throne of your heart.”
When I signed up for this race, I did it to serve you. To follow you. No one else. Not man or myself. I wanted more of you. I wanted all of you. No distractions. Just me and you. Today as I am flying with my team to our first country, I want to refocus myself back to this purpose. I want you to erase the faces of any idols. Anything I have been thinking about above you. They are not my reason here. My heart is for you only.
I am coming back to my first and only love like you called and commanded me to do. I want to step into this obedience. It will be hard. Im sure a daily battle. But you are worth fighting for. Actually you do the fighting for me because I will be weak. I invite you into that. I give it all to you. Lord I thank you for the perfect teammates that you have so purposefully placed me with. More and more you reveal to me why I need them. And how cool that they need me. Jesus protect us. Protect them. Protect me. Rebuke when necessary. Convict. I love them. Remind me to love them like you do. Its going to be an amazing year of growing, sharing, revealing, healing.
You are so good. Guard my heart. I come to you again asking that this be a year fo just you and me for the world. In love, hope & healing. In community. Take those idols away. Let me rest in your presence. Thank you for this opportunity of a lifetime with you.” [Oct. 8, 2018]
Love,
Jezebelle
