a unfiltered blog about: doubt
Doubt is something that is a huge factor in the process of faith, yet rarely talked about in the church. Speaking on it can have a negative perception attached to it. Like weakness. Though nothing is wrong with that I’m learning. I struggle with doubt and it’s a big factor in my walk with God. I don’t think anything is wrong with doubt, but there is a line. That line is when you have put God in a box. Where the question goes to a statement of, “Will He?” to “Can He?”
I had definitely crossed that line.
So…. Story time (its lengthy)
At training camp on Saturday night there was a teaching session on the Holy Spirit. The speaker was Deon Vanstaden. He opened up with a story about how his wife had struggled with severe migraines her whole life. He then tells us how one day in the ER he prayed her migraines would go away, and by the grace of God they did. She is now 20years migraine free! He continues by asking the entire room if anyone struggles with recurrent migraines. A few other people and I raise our hands. He then asked if anyone had a migraine right now. I then, alone, raise my hand and he asks me to come up so he can pray for me.
The list is too long of crazy things that went through my head when I was walking up there. I was freaking out!!! So scared and fearful of how awkward this was going to be in-front of 120 sum people when nothing was different. Because yes, you guessed it, I was doubtful anything would happen.
So, I go on up there right…then Deon asks me the state of my headache. He then prayers the most simple prayer of healing over me, and that I would be free from migraines from this day forward. To my surprise…my migraine was gone. Just like that. There was no rush of wind or me fainting to the ground. I didn’t catch the “Holy Ghost”. I just closed my eyes… he prayed… I was healed. I was obviously a bit shook, and it took me a minute to understand what had just happened. So much so when he first asked me how I felt I couldn’t really answer. Once I had processed everything I just broke down, and was on my knees for the rest of the night.
The next day I was on cloud 9. Just so amazed by Gods power. Cause like, WHAT THE HECK right!!! I was not exposed to that kind of teaching where healings and speaking in tongues were of our time so this was a BIG moment for me. God showing me He can, and He is able. Cause like DUHH He’s God right!! But its so easy to put God into this Practical Box of logic and our understanding. Which is what I had done, but He surely broke through that:)
But in a way the story is just beginning… so please keep reading because I feel like this is important
So fast forward to Tuesday
I got a migraine. A pretty bad migraine. I was nauseous all day. I was trying to justify it in my head because I wasn’t eating much due to my diet preferences. I kept breaking down all day because I was sad, frustrated and confused. Questioning God cause that doubt was coming in heavy, and it was affecting my mood. I kept wondering, “why God…. I thought they were gone, we prayed they would be gone like Deon’s wife”. Every day since at least 6 people a day would come up to me and ask me if I had a headache in amazement. But not a single person asked me the day I had a migraine which I was so grateful for. I didn’t want to tell anyone but I was hurting. Emotionally and physically.
I tried to continue to pray against my doubt. To remind myself that no matter if I’m not healed from my migraines forever that it was a miracle what happened that night, and that nothing can take that away. But throughout the week i continued to struggle in my doubt, and i continued to revert into myself. I then felt led to share with some of my squad mates during our night of prayer and worship and they were so encouraging. Sometimes we can tell ourselves so much, but community and having a circle of people agreeing in something with you to God, in genuine prayer, is something so amazing. Was this night my quick fix… No.
The doubt continued to push in about that night even when I got home. Even when I tried writing this blog last week. I struggled. No words were coming together. I heard God was telling me that I cant write something I don’t believe. Which really shook me. I felt disrespectful to God. Like He showed Himself in a very undeniable way and I still doubt. Doubt if it really happened… Questioned if I was crazy… Questioning all the teaching from both sides of the theological spectrum that I had heard and was comparing to one another. Questioning the abuse of healings that had turned me into a skeptic.
Then a very strong memory came into my mind. When I was in high school I heard the audible voice of God. I remember exactly everything about that night. I was laying at the edge of my bed and heard Believe, Believe, Believe. It felt like someone was saying it directly into my right ear. Like their lips weren’t even an inch away. So loud it woke me up from my sleep. I was so scared I inspected the entire house, and legitimately at first thought my brother was pranking me. Nothing specific was going on in my life when I heard that so I wondered why God chose those words. But He knew lol. Like he always does. He knew this is a reminder I need because its how I struggle.
That memory has been pressed in my mind so much the past 2 weeks. I think its God reminding me that he has shown me his power before, as he did at training camp and as he may continue to do again.
So yes, you may think I’m crazy for going through these things and still having a little doubt and so do I. But its the truth, and once I decided for this blog to be about my doubt its seemed to just flow out of me. I don’t want to live in this but I know I can grow from it. For the time being I’m gonna continue to be like that man in Mark chapter 9. The man is asking Jesus to remove a spirit from his son and says to him in verse 22,
“But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!” And Jesus said to him, “ ‘If You can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.”
I do believe; help my unbelief
I do believe Jesus; help my unbelief
I DO BELIEVE JESUS; HELP MY UNBELIEF
So doubt can also be a road to growth. To change. To being free.
To being free in the Trinity.
If anyone has any words of wisdom I’m all ears. There is sooo much more to this story and soooo much more I want to say but I tried to keep it short as best as possible lol. So if anyone has any questions or just wants to talk please shoot me a comment, message, email text or even a call.
Love you all and thanks for reading till the end.
This is me
