The countdown is officialy in the teens now. 18 days!
This whole build up has been very very intense. Im tired, stressed and overwhelmed. Emotionally I feel like Ive been losing the reigns on myself and that im quite literally going to explode. My anxiety attacks have come back and my heart hurts. Relationships in my life are falling apart, beginning, growing stronger and some are beginning to fade.
All I can remember is my lovely squad leader Eric who continued to remind me that the enemy is going to try to come in heavy during this time between training camp and launch. Which was nothing but FACTS!
BUT… also, in all this I feel so much stronger! I continually feel so supported from my teammates. I feel stronger in sharing my faith. I feel stronger in my community at home when we have been making more intentional spaces to focus on God. I feel stronger in prayer, because I have learned how to pray bolder against things that arent of God in my thoughts and emotions.
And all of this gives me peace. My prayer life has grown in a way that keeps me level in the midst of all the things above. God gives me the peace against my depression (which is something im not claiming anymore). He has given me the peace over my identity (which I know I have in Him). He gives me peace against my anxiety (which I know I can pray against because He tells us we should be anxious for nothing, which reminds me that its not of Him). He gives me peace knowing that He is the only reason im still here( when I was suicidal last year). The closer I get to Him the more I can feel His presence and when I need it more. And I know sometimes it sounds crazy “feeling” God right. Feeling something you cant see. But he is so real!! And feeling is the perfect way to explain it.
The most recent example of this was yesterday. I was offered the opportunity to speak at a church about my mission trip and I was freaking out. I woke up so stressed and was so irritable. My heart was beating so fast and my arms felt like they were on fire. When we got to the church we sat down in the back and my mom was asking me questions but I couldn’t even really respond. I was so focused on my breathing and not letting a tear fall from my face. Literally all of my energy was focused on keeping it together but all I wanted to do was leave. Just get up and run out of there. My hands were clenched in a fist so tight and when we stood up for worship I felt like I was gonna faint. I was praying the entire time but nothing in the way my body felt changed.
As I was walking up to the stage, down the middle isle, I literally felt myself start to calm down. So much so that when I started talking the words were flowing out of my mouth without even a second thought. To the point that when I stepped off the stage I thought “oh wow, what just happened… its over..?”.
Then at the beginning of the second service the anxiety started all over again. And then AGAIN, when I got on stage my mind and body fell still, and I spoke with ease. When I was up there I instantly stopped shaking and was at peace.
Feeling this literal shift in my body two times in a row is how I Feel God. This is God. Undeniable. Peace and Stillness. This is just ANOTHER FREAKIN REASON as to how I know he is real. Real In Us! He is without a doubt the best thing that is happening to me in my life, and I will follow where He is taking me to the ends of the earth.
Cause everyone needs this
And I wanna do my part in telling them!!
