I am overwhelmed. I word-vomited on this post. Bear with me
I’d realized, the day I pranced out of my mother’s womb like the little angel that I am, and entered into this strange world that is constantly driven by beginnings and endings, beginnings and endings one after the other in a fast moving and confusing slide show that I was forced to be a part of and NOT allowed to just lounge in theatre seats to enjoy the show, that I very much cannot catch up no matter how hard I try. And that I hate endings.
I feel like life scenes just FLY by. Well the good ones anyway.
Am I just a [cool and adventurous] girl in the wild of Africa trembling in concern/confusion/uncertainty because a freaking huge herd of rhinos—do they stampede?—runs through and around and past me; and before i know it, they have gone and, “okay BYE” they are specks in the distance covered by the dust clouds that fast-moving rhino feet create behind them? And then before I can even recover or understand WHAT just happened ANOTHER HERD of who knows WHAT animals stampede right past me, and I am spinning and wheeling and hiding and maybe trying to jump in and ride one all at once. But too bad because it’s over they are gone. That’s how I feel about it. Life.
Bye friends who grew up and maybe grew apart, bye childhood, bye school, bye spring, bye all the years that have rushed to me through me and away, goodbye souls, goodbye cat who was the seventh member of the family, goodbye acquaintances who were kindred spirits but live on different parts of this large planet— and that I have to be okay with never meeting again? Hellos and goodbyes.
Goodbye faces, and lands, trees, and smells.
Goodbye wind in this country that I pass through, it has been an honor to breathe in your life.
I am someone who will decide to ignore endings, I truly feel heartbroken when life chapters come to a close. I like to yell, “Sure, I’ll come back—I will see you again,” because to me…this specific adventure is never over.
But it IS. And I am now forcing myself to admit it. That endings are endings. I don’t know why, though, I was HAPPY living in denial.
So of late, I find I am deciding to fully bask in the aura of an ending.
Heck, I LOVE a good tragedy…
When a wonderful book has ended, and it leaves your heart a little bit cramped and possibly cracked, because the people who love each other most in the world cannot be together, have grown apart, have lost one another, have been victims of fate—and you know that THEIR hearts are more than cramped and cracked EVEN THOUGH they are most likely victims of FICTION and may not exist….
The heartbreaking melancholy, the tragic love story [whether of friends, lovers, family] is so beautiful because it points to how much love and passion exist in a person. And it is only a tragedy BECAUSE of how much love and passion exist in a person. Or else it wouldn’t be tragic.
I guess I can appreciate the grand art that life is because of all these endings. If I hadn’t loved so well, it would not have been sad to see you go. If I had not been loved as well as I was, you would not have been just as sad. Why must joy and sadness be so intertwined? It makes for a very unpredictable life. Shoot…did I accidentally steal what the movie ‘Inside Out’ was trying to teach us?
Passion and Love exist as a fiery flaming furnace within a person.
It’s messy and can be over-the-top like fireworks accidentally set off too close to the trees and electrical wires and rooftops, sparks falling on our hair. A little frightening, surprising, and BEAUTIFUL
Humans like to quench that fire in them because with it comes overwhelming emotions. The higher you soar……well, you know. Endings and beginnings—passion and love…I am acknowledging what is within me and letting the fire lick the edges of my heart as it is continuously kindled by the lives I meet and the memories I make. I may fall harder when I admit that good things must come to an end, but I can also acknowledge ALL that it ever was, and can look back at it fondly. Childhood, friends, each country I have ever been to, my dreamy team The Beloved Daughters.
Things begin, they continue, and then they.come.to.an.end. They are over. Gone, forever. But more things are coming, they are on their way! More sunrises and sunsets, fields to run through, mountains to climb, friends to make, and people to love. More parades to march in, bodies of water to jump in, and messes to make. More thunderstorms and loud fights and good laughs, and rooftops to dance on. Many more wild fireworks to light.
So, my friends and my family, my dream team beloveds, the lovely souls I have met and the faces I have looked upon, Côte d’Ivoire Ghana Cambodia Thailand
England France Israel Dominican Republic Mexico America
I’ve loved you like a thousand messy fireworks and all the sparks falling on our hair.
