This is our hostel, next to the fire
And this blog post is a midnight-can’t-sleep process of the emotions of that day
They say it was traumatic
And I beg to disagree
I am not burned, scratched, nor am I scarred
I didn’t trip and I didn’t fall
Though
I had thought there was a war, a riot, deaths in the streets.
The world outside our window
An eerie red glow
Yelling filled the air.
And not drank-too-much-at-midnight-and-now-I-can’t-make-my-way-home yells; but screams filled with panic.
Why did it seem
the entire city was awake
at two in the morning
Thursday the 31st of May.
Scurrying outside the door
I tiptoed
Smoke
Smoke
Smoke
A man
In the distance
Blocking our exit
A man filled with anger and hate?
No. Just a man
Just as worried for his life
As I
But
It wasn’t traumatic
I am alive
The hostel—
Still standing
And
I had been wrong—
My frightened half awake
Half asleep self: There was no war.
There was only ten minutes
Ten minutes before I knew about Fire
Why do I fight back tears when we talk about it
I hate myself for it
It wasn’t a war
Not a war of men and guns anyway
But of fire against man
Against home and business
Against livelihood
And life
Fire•
Gives warmth.
I felt the warmth like an oven door, open,
Face peering in
Eyelashes on the verge of melting
Fire•
Brings light.
I saw the eerie red glow
Like a scene from a horror movie
Outside the window next to my bed
That immersed the Frantic
Flashing by as they run
From what? Or to whom?
We wondered,
Ducking for cover
Cannot be seen
Fire•
Heats our food.
Camp fires on a dreamy mountain summer night
In the mountains of Myanmar
On a summer night
Fire blazes bigger brighter taller
More ferocious
Than I’d ever been acquainted with
A monster beautiful and terrible
On the last day of May
Fire•
Mesmerizing
Hypnotizing
Exists with passion
Can bring life.
Half asleep
Walking towards it
Only so close
Very close now
A question beneath the surface of my mind
Spinning
It won’t settle
Still walking
the question,
It surfaces
WHY am I walking towards it?
Fire•
Burns….
Panic and despair
on the faces of Myanmar.
In a trance
May I help you
Can I help
Let me help
Urgency sinks in
Running now
To the others
Hurry
A monster is only a few feet away, hurry
Two deaths
Three burned
Two buildings demolished
And another just a skeleton now
Andddddddd
A memory
The week before…
Walking through that shop
The one that is only a skeleton
The one with its insides charred
Something, someOne had told me to
look up
from my perusing
Look up at that wall
Every inch covered in shelves
Every shelf cluttered with items
Look
Observe and remember
I looked and looked
I observed and remembered
I admonished myself: I need to observe and remember more. Shame on me
A week later
Staring up at the wall
Shelves hardly still intact
Items melted melded and molded
I stared
I observed
I remembered
They say it was traumatic
Not to rhyme
But I think that’s being dramatic
Irony
My student always told me I look like fire
The night before the fire
A remark I made
The sunset—it looked like the sky was on fire
And Alexis
A mere comment
her ankle Hurt, but
if there was a fire
she could make it out
The wall I stared at for so long
Remembering it,
Mourning it
BEFORE it was gone
taken by fire
Hevel hevel all is hevel
All is but a mist
Fleeting
Yet God’s hand in all things.
Two whole weeks pass
Travel days
Four countries in twenty four hours
Teams come together
Catching up with thirty others
But
Shouting outside my window at night
A car runs over a glass bottle
The popping noise makes me jump
We are jumpy
In a restaurant, a waiter walks by with a dish on fire ENGULFED in flames
I notice it more than usual
It can’t have been traumatic.
Because
I wasn’t afraid apart from the first ten minutes of that day.
When I wasn’t confused anymore
I wasn’t afraid anymore
It feels like it only exists in a strange nightmare
Some long ago fuzzy sleep deprived day
We passed the test
We work well in emergencies
And I laugh at some of the things we did
And I commend us for everything
We are Team BARE
A pretty bad ass team
Yet
When I hardly remember it happened
I stop to think
Or I see something
And I go in a trance.
Why is my mind so attuned to fire
I can sense it now
Lastly,
The note a teammate gave me
At the start of the month
On a sunshiny May day.
one word on it,
God had told her,
For Jess, for the month of May.
In Myanmar
Carrying it
Everywhere I go.
Contemplating it..
Up until that last day
The last day of May:
COURAGE
God is so good
The fire
It blazed through three buildings
stopping a few feet from our hostel
God is so good
God is so good
He awoke us in the dead of night
Urged us out of bed
He talked to us
He held our hand
Upon our arrival in Myanmar
For unknown reasons
We had the upstairs rooms
Then were kicked down to the basement of the hostel
we had fought to stay upstairs
In the room
That eventually became the room
With a burnt corner of the roof
God is so good
God is so good
God is so incredibly good. To. Me.
