Every now and then I wonder how exactly God speaks to me. I know He does because I talk to Him often and He talks back. It is quite hard to define it though, what our conversation looks like.
Too often it looks like a crazy girl talking up at the sky having a one-way conversation…and it may be true, I may be talking God’s ear off and not listening one bit.
Other times it looks like a crazy girl talking up at the sky [probably standing on top of something: a rooftop, a wall, a tree, a table, rocks]; and this time she is also answering some invisible someone. I like this view. That means she’s doing it right and having a healthy conversation with her Father, who also happens to be the King of the Universe.
But that’s just what it looks like on the outside. What does it look like for this God…to speak to ME internally?
Epiphanies, revelations, metaphors. Is there ever a loud reverberating voice? No. Not even a soft whisper. All I know is, one second I’m asking dumb questions to the sky, and the next I have answers I didn’t have before.
well, that’s not all I know.
I also know that God speaks to His children in a unique way, for with each is a unique relationship between Father and child. And that there exists an unclassified type of communication, somewhere between the sound of a voice, typed words, visions, stories, planted thoughts, and colors —and that’s where my conversations with God live.
Okay so there’s that.
I left Cambodia quite melancholy. Don’t feel bad for me, melancholy is one of the most romantic feelings one could feel. I was filled with such joy for having had an exciting month of tuk-tuk rides, cafe visits with daily Thai teas, explorations, all the precious friendships we made, and the beautiful children we taught. I was happy to have loved as much as I did this month; yet already, I was full of regrets of all I could have done and been, what I should have said, and how much better I could have loved. My heart broke under the weight of all the very many ‘could-have-been’s. I understood and appreciated the fact that it must have been a wonderful month if I was so heartbroken to leave it. What a blessing! And all my goodbyes are cushioned with a thousand more hellos. I am on a constant path of comings and goings and am forever doing a little ‘wide range of emotions’ dance along it. I wouldn’t be surprised the day I spontaneously combust.
[cuz I’ll be ded duhhhhh so how could I be surprizzeeddd]
I kind of spiritually coasted through Cambodia. In Ghana, Jesus and I had so many rooftop dates. I spent half of each day talking to my Jesus. But not in Cambodia.
Leaving this month, we took a very many hour bus ride from Siem Reap, Cambodia to Chiang Mai, Thailand. We were heading to a four day gathering of four separate squads on their own routes. During this conference, we would be heading up different ministries; worshiping God together; learning from one another; hearing testimonies of God working in our lives. The five ministries to choose from: evangelism, hospitality, worship, intercession, and storytelling[blogging, sharing your story or the stories of those you meet and the glory of God through it all]
Everyone’s favorite question leading up to this Awakening was, “Which ministry are you choosing???” My first initial thought was Intercession—because I love praying and that seemed the least intimidating to me. Mostly because it seemed the least intimidating to me…
So on the bus ride heading towards all of these things, I contemplated what I wanted to learn and grow in this next month…”I don’t know, God…everything?”
I was getting a little jealous of others who God had decided to enlighten about what path He was leading them toward in life.
Now they have ALL the answers about what they need to grow in, where exactly their skills lie. 😉
No it is not as easy as that, though sometimes it almost CAN be. It seems God might have to tell us eighteen different times in order for us to think maybe God means it..
These friends had to be told countless times. But they put the messages together and figured it out, “Kay God, I hear You”
Maybe God tells me things and I don’t have the ability to put the messages together to make sense? Actually, I was just being silly, but in a way this is true. Not that I don’t have the ability, but I do not exercise my common sense. It’s as if I need Him to throw me a boulder upon my head that when I turn it over [after I’ve awoken from my coma and wiped the blood that spilled over my eyes] will have all the exact answers carved into it…..
Sorry God for accidental expectations I place upon You, expectations on how I apparently think it best You should rule Your universe.
Because ya, I realize He has often times answered my questions and I’m still walking in circles in the rain yelling “WHERE AM I TO GO?” When there’s a literal [but metaphorical] house right next to me with an open door and fireplace, and probably s’mores too if I actually walked in 😉 [bad scenario because I actually love the rain and would have run out of any house—s’mores or no s’mores to purposefully run circles in the rain in some sort of “it’s already raining” rain dance in any scenario real or not real.
Tracking? Me neither
So, fifty hour bus ride, contemplating God and the passions He has been so kind as to NOT have bestowed upon me…..
and heading toward The Awakening in Chiang Mai, Thailand. That’s whennnnnn
God gave me an epiphany. I DO HAVE PASSIONS: things I love to do, things that make my heart skip and things that make me want to sing and dance and spin with joy.
YET
I was sad because I essentially saw myself taking those things He has given me—hobbies talents gifts likes and loves—and I was putting them on a top shelf to keep them safe and hidden. But the top shelf is the dustiest. And I always forget to look up there.
I saw myself burying it in the ground like the servant in that one parable. The one where they were supposed to use their talents and not bury it but one DID bury it and then the talents amounted to nothing.
…
Writing, loving others, books, art, nature
These are a few of my favorite things
And I am allowed to go all out with them
Specifically God yelled “WRITING” at me.
And also I apologize for exaggerating and saying He yelled
My mother HATES when I say she yelled when she really just very loudly very very loudly talked at me.
So God loudly talked at me.
1. I claim to love writing—but I won’t claim it too hard because I don’t want to fail at it and have others witness my fall.
2. I really did not count so many of these things as skills and passions because I subconsciously assumed passions and gifts are going to be what I EXCELL at, which essentially is nothing except for drinking chocolate milk because guess what I will never be so good at anything if I don’t try to grow in them! And I never try to grow in them because I am too embarrassed to suck at the things I claim I like….
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE if I can secretly train in all things without a single soul knowing and then one day be like, “ I actually really love to do this” and then I do it and everyone is amazed at my abilities and expertise!
3. Yah maybe I’m not an expert, but I certainly will not become one if I won’t practice!
I accepted I would be joining the Storytelling ministry during The Awakening even though I have NOT been a diligent human and did not blog much at all these last few months [or fine all of the race OKAY?!]
God has been teaching me to be a good steward of everything. All things. Even the food I eat: I realize I can hardly love others well when I am trying not to die all because I have no self control and ate ten ice creams for lunch instead of lunch and now I’m a hysterical sugar monster.
And I am learning to be a good steward in growth: actively seeking out wisdom from others, continuously asking God daily how I can grow even more in what He has shown me.
And my passions [i have written this word, I feel, so many times and now I am ready to throw it out the window] going all out not afraid to fail —but rather, PUMPED to fail because HECK YA ITLL BE FUN!
For the first time in my life, even as we were heading toward The Awakening, God opened my eyes to all that He has given to me—He gave them as gifts, not to make light of anymore, but to use with diligence and determination. Please, do the same! Take everything you’ve got and go ALL out for Jesus! It’s all beautiful to Him..like a messy finger painting, figuring out how to do all the things you love. Like squishy paint in your hands, swirling to make dreamy colors (careful not to make them poopy looking 😉
I am not sure how much sense any of this has made, and I AM also supposed to be listening to session right now..
Peace out.
