Month Eleven
Here I am. Did I ever actually think I would reach this point? That at the end of all this, I would find myself staring this year in the face, ready to walk away from it because, well…it is over.
I have no choice.
I have no choice BUT to wave goodbye,
I cannot grasp these kite strings any longer
Winds of change have picked up and they are getting stronger
Every single day.
Change
Change
Change
Things are shifting, moving, swaying, dancing, disappearing, growing, becoming, budding, disintegrating…
And I am being left in the dust or maybe I WANT to be left in the dust to mope and say, “Look at me, I am so dusty. Look what life has done to me!”
Because the reality of it is
is that I am being pushed and swayed
and moved
and I am becoming and growing and budding
…and disintegrating at the thought of goodbye.
I am strutted.along.as.well.
But we are all being swept away in different directions.
I have felt a growing urgency in me the last few weeks.
I decided to go on this roller coaster
but right before the last massive drop,
As I am viewing the sudden loss of any firm path but the one that is heading straight to the ground trying to defy gravity,
Suddenly I am no longer ready. In fact I purposely kept this last drop from my mind not wanting to face it. And how do I get OFF?
My people walk by me and I am viewing memories, stories, testimonies, and future laughter and love and heartache. Existing in one moment in my mind. I will never be so privy to every soul’s thoughts revelations feelings as I have been, ever.again.
Yesterday, I sat on the back porch of our dorms.
Nicaragua.
I am existing with the entire squad, all four teams together, on a beautiful farm with smiling workers and plenty of different love filled ministries. The sky is large, and the clouds are free to be without buildings and pollution obstructing their paths or my views. Each day has a perfect sunrise [or so I hear, that is not a time of day I normally witness] and a most SPECTACULAR sunset. And there are fireflies, twinkling in the fields making every night dreamier than ever, leaving me starry-eyed. mesmerized.
Yesterday.
I sat on what I have dubbed “the back porch” [it wraps around the entire dorms]. This back porch is hidden from the meal tables far off, and the pavilion, and the sports fields. This back porch exists with wildflowers, sunsets, fireflies, mountains, groves of trees, horses, and the great beyond. This evening, for just a moment, I alone watched this backporch sunset. So of course I claimed it as my own.
SPECTACULAR I tell you, a sheet of textured dark clouds hovered over the mountains, and in the blue space between, the sun settled and birthed a chaotic beauty. Rain fell in the distance to the right of the sun, and glowed in yellow and orange as the sun rays hit it and engulfed it in light. I have never seen the northern lights, but this orange and yellow glow existing apart from the sun looked like a being alive. Something was growing in the distance.
You know when a firework show is taking place, and it begins with a few measly fireworks, till suddenly the sky is exploding in color and sound…the grand finale! Then there is a very specific moment where the party in the sky begins to dwindle, until there are just the last few stragglers….like rogue fireworks refusing to stop with everyone else.
I realized last night there is a certain unnamed feeling dancing through me for only a small while whenever I truly stop to watch the sunset. When the spectacular color has reached its peak, now practically breathing life and fire through the clouds above me
And is JUST about to start dwindling away, losing color,
Or is JUST getting over the last hump into the massive drop below
Is No longer filling the sky and only
Those rebel fireworks remain
I feel a sudden moment of anxiety, an urgent feeling that rushes through me saying “I am about to lose everything”
IT doesn’t take long to go away because though it seems I forget every night, the sky is ever magnificent still when the color fades away.
When the color is gone, and the sun has sunk below, the clouds turn grey and great
Ominous
The silhouettes become dramatic
Shadows take over
The skyline is accentuated as it deserves recognition
And the fireflies come out
And then the stars
The sea of far off fire beings
And before all this, I forget the night sky is most magnificent in quite a different sort of beauty
I become greedy, trying to keep color and skyline and stars in my grasp.
But you have to say goodbye to beautiful things, in order for a different beauty to come in.
I cannot have color and sunshine and stars and fireflies all the time.
One ends and it is sad, but the sky and life continues to change into something beautiful still
Into something that continues to leave me surprised and in awe
I guess this is my farewell.
I am saying goodbye to this magnificent sunset that I truly wish I could keep..
But I have to.
Or else I will never see the stars.
