I was talking to my roommate tonight about how I lack homework motivation. I told her that I feel like I’m sitting on the bench, watching the game from the sidelines. I go to practice, I watch film, I run, but now I want to play. I’m ready to be in the game. I attend class, I do my homework, I write the papers, but now I want to work. I’m restless, and I am ready to graduate.
I told her about the way my heart used to race each time my name was called…”Lirios, get warmed up! You’re going in at left mid!” I would be filled with anxiety as I ran onto the field. I doubted my ability to keep up, and I feared letting the team down.
She and I laughed anxious laughs as we thought about how excited and terrified we are to enter “the real world.”
And then I thought about the World Race. I thought about how, for years, I desperately wanted to travel and serve abroad. I thought about all the times I asked God to open doors that would let me live in other countries and experience other cultures as I learned other languages and lived with other people.
Friends, at a time when I least expected – or even desired – it, he opened the door, and he opened it wide. “Lirios, get warmed up! You’re going in!”
Anxiety.
Doubt.
Fear.
But what if I’m not ready? What if I don’t want to anymore? What if people don’t support me? What will happen to my relationships when I’m gone? What will happen when I get back?
For months I was filled with heartache and struggled to truly know and experience the peace and joy of the Lord. Time and time again, I cried out to God in fear and frustration and confusion and doubt. All I wanted was to stay on the bench, bundled up in sweats and blankets, watching from the sidelines as my teammates played in the game he called me to join.
Time and time again, Father comforted me with his constance and his kindness, his grace and his peace, his Spirit and his Word. He surrounded me with individuals who waited patiently for me to release all the things I tried keeping bottled up. He gave me images of him wrapping me in his arms as I poured out my heart. He said “I know” when I told him I was scared. He wooed me with things like sunshine and storytelling and little moments full of big love.
He told me that he was with me. That he is with me. That he has been with me and he will be with me.
I still get anxious and frustrated. I doubt and I hurt and I cry. But he’s with me. He has been and he will be…and not just from the sidelines. He’s on the field, too.
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me – everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9
