Y’all, for over a week now I have been trying to figure out how to close out this blog that has been helping me process and document the last two years, and it’s been hard. I haven’t a clue how to eloquently sum up what this journey has been for me.
How to tie a bow on something so scattered and huge and life-changing and ongoing. I don’t know exactly what to say about transitioning home except this season of transition might be a long one.
I don’t know how to explain the process that is happening in my mind, but I can give you a peek inside. During final debrief, we were encouraged to write a letter to our month-one-selves…here’s a bit of mine and a bit of what my year has entailed:
“Jessie Marie, this season is about to be so much sweeter and harder than you are expecting. You are going to love and admire and laugh with and lean on and cherish these people more than you might think is possible. You are going to hurt them. Apologize and ask for forgiveness. They are going to hurt you. Tell them and forgive them.
You are going to see a lot of hard things, and you are going to want to seem steady. Unshaken. Jessie, the Lord is your rock – let yourself break on him. Let yourself shake, be sad, be angry and hurt and confused. And lean on him through it all. Let your Father be steady for you.
You are going to want to hide. You will want to hide so much. You will want to hide your tears, your anger, your insecurities. Please save yourself the extra heartache and open up soon. Your teamies are so wonderful. They are gracious and kind, and even when they don’t understand, they want to. Let them in. and when they want to speak into your heartache and your shortcomings, you will want to shut down. Be honest about that. Ask them for time, take your space. And then humble your heart and invite them to speak – invite them to share their perspective and their wisdom.
Here’s another thing: you are going to be asked to do things that intimidate you. That scare you and awaken all your insecurities and make you feel too small. Do them. Do the hard things. Truthfully, you are not capable on your own. There will be things just out of your reach; in those moments, reach for Holy Spirit and he will bridge the gap. Say the hard things, too. You’re learning how to speak boldly and gently at the same time, and you’re not always gonna get it right. You will fail. But if you never speak, you will never learn how to do it well.
But know that when you fail, you are not a failure. Jessie, you are defined by so much more than your mistakes, and you are seen and known for far more than all the ways you fall short. Learn to see yourself through gracious eyes.
That is something else you will learn so much about. Grace. The lessons will be hard. They will be painful. And golly, they will be worth it. Grace for people back home. Grace for people right beside you. And certainly grace for yourself. You will face the ugliest parts of yourself and the hardest parts of your story…but if you allow yourself to walk in the grace that Father pours out over you, he will show you just how beautiful those parts can become, just how beautiful he says you are.
And Jessie? You will find yourself doubting that you are beautiful. You will get lice, your hair will be gross, your clothes will fit weirdly, you’ll struggle with acne, and your health will get kinda messy at times. Even so, you are beautiful. Lovely. Captivating to your Creator and so darn cherished by your Father.
And hey, ya wanna know something fun? Trevor cherishes you, too. I know it hurts saying so many goodbyes. Being far away from him and knowing you are going even farther. Not talking to him nearly enough and living such separate lives. It hurts. It’s hard. And I know that you know this, but it will become even truer this year – it is so worth it. You two are going to have a lot of hard conversations, cry a lot of tears, and learn so much about yourselves and each other. You are going to laugh, apologize, confront, and forgive. You will learn how to understand each other more which will help you love each other better. And you are going to get discouraged sometimes. Being so far away from your person in more ways than miles.
And you will pray. A lot. Jessie, you and Trevor have the sweetest opportunity to deepen this connection through prayer even more, and it will be so good. Press into this. Press in as you cry out to Father because of, for, and with each other. Pray big prayers. Hard prayers. Desperate prayers. Fun prayers. Broken prayers. Gracious prayers. Prayers for each other, for your relationship, for the people you both have right in front of you in this season.
Jessie, this year is going to be abundance.
Receive it.
Witness the miracles.
Feel deeply.
Walk confidently in your God-given authority.
Serve humbly.
Listen carefully.
Love sacrificially.
And know that you are loved unconditionally.”
Okay. One more thing to all of you…thank you. Thank you for supporting me in this season. Thank you for your financial contributions that made this trip possible. Thank you for covering this year in prayer. Thank you for sending me encouraging messages along the way. Thank you for loving each other really well, and for loving my loved ones while I was gone. Thank you for painting such a beautiful picture of the body of Christ coming together, building each other up, motivating one another, and loving each other with the love of Christ. Thank you thank you thank you, I am endlessly grateful.
Y’all, God is so good.
Psalm 150
Praise the Lord.
Praise God in his sanctuary;
praise him in his mighty heavens.
Praise him for his acts of power;
praise him for his surpassing greatness.
Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
praise him with the harp and lyre,
praise him with timbrel and dancing,
praise him with the strings and pipe,
praise him with the clash of cymbals,
praise him with resounding cymbals.
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
