Dear Jessie,
Don’t forget the ten days that changed your life. Don’t forget walking into Training Camp, anxious about the 30+ people you would meet and the fact that you had no control or understanding of what the next few days would hold. Remember the decision you made on the second night, crammed into a two person tent with six other girls, that this time things were going to be different. Think about the overwhelming sense of belonging you felt to be in community with like minded people from all different backgrounds. Forget the weight of the shame you walked in with, but don’t forget the story of how it got there. Lord deserves the glory for that! Don’t forget the freedom, but remember the journey and feel guilty.
Jessie, remember when you would use guilt and shame interchangeably? Shame was the outer trait you put on with your clothes everyday. This is what you had to smile and try to hide from everyone around you in hopes no one would ever see. Guilt was the internal one that never got taken off but, was surprisingly harder to hide. Wasn’t it so strange coming home and realizing how many people recognized the walls you had up and thoughts you kept hidden? You weren’t as good an actress as you thought. Its almost as if you have to get to know your old self when you are walking in newness with Christ. I know you are grieving the time lost when trapped in shame. You wish you could have a do over with relationships, opportunities and seasons knowing what you know now. And yes, you should feel guilty. Guilt is an internal realization that we did or something done was wrong. You didn’t always embrace the things in front of you, make the best choices or fully believe in the grace of Father. So feel guilty, realize it was wrong so that you don’t ever want to go back there. Shame means feeling flawed and unworthy of love which you are not! Christ’s sacrifice proves that every single day. John Piper said, “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you {wished} would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” Praise God you now realize everything you may have lost. That means you still have time to make the most of the life you have. Don’t ever go back to shame, but don’t cease feeling guilty.
I know people have always been hard for you. You are an intimate, deep conversation with a small number of people kind of person. Strangers and groups intimidate you, but people who got closer were even harder. You had to be more careful what you said, keep track of who knew what and how close you would allow people to get. “I am an internal processor, I need time alone or Jessie is like a onion.” You’ve heard and used all of them and even though they might be true, you also used them to reinforce your walls more than once. Then you met a group of people who knew nothing about you, whose only goal was running the race well along side you and who shared your heart for loving the broken and the lost of the nations. These precious people cried with you, rejoiced with you and simply sat with you in the healing. During this journey over the 10 days, remember how that made you see your own, wonderful community through new eyes. All the people who couldn’t love you that way because you wouldn’t let them? Grieve the loss of relationships and the people you didn’t get the chance to love on. Feel guilty. Let that guilt drive you to break down the walls of hearts around the world in a way that only someone who sat fortified for years can. Feel guilty that every day people around the world are dying without ever hearing the name of Jesus. Do something about it! Let that guilt be heard in your everyday conversation whether that be sharing the grace of the cross or in opening the eyes of the Church to the urgency of our task and our commandment to make disciples. But also allow it to help you love people differently and let them love you as well. Share things, ask for help, take risks so that people can see what it looks like to step out in faith because faith is what leads us to Christ. Yes you will get it wrong, you may get hurt and people will fail you, but they will also love you, accept you and teach you about the character of Jesus.
Keep in mind that God never claimed to be safe, but He did prove to be good. Living a life that is spurred by righteous guilt is not an easy one. Allow the new prayer of your heart to be that what hurts the Father also hurts you. Let it become so overwhelming that you cannot sit idly by. “‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.’ You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” (2 Chronicles 20:15b&17) Life should be a fight and we should be seeking spiritual warfare. If its not, continue to ask the Lord to make you feel guilty until you are no longer satisfied with the day to day. The Lord will do the fighting, but we must take up our positions. Now that you have traded your disguise of shame for an armor (Ephesians 6:11), prepare for battle!
Love, Me
