Have you ever felt like you had so much crap in your head that you couldn’t hear God? I have. In fact, I still do sometimes. I thought that coming on The World Race meant that I was beginning a trek up this huge mountain of spirituality, where each step I took would bring me to a new spiritual high that I have never reached before. I was wrong. Being here, serving, being surrounded by people who love Jesus, constantly talking about God- these things don’t just automatically bring you to a new level in your relationship with God. It still takes work. Ha…Crazy, right? I have struggled with thinking this way my whole life, thinking that everything will just come to me, but now I am in the position where I can’t turn to my old comforts to hide. I could just turn to movies or coloring or some other distraction to waste my time here. I could adapt to this new life and find new comforts. There is always something I can do with my time instead of talking to God or reading my bible, but it is not as easy to escape here as it seems to be at home. It hangs over my head more, which I am so thankful for. I can see the lack of growth in my actions and thoughts.
Don’t get me wrong, my relationship with God is good, but it could be better. Much better. I have had so many opportunities to work on it, but because of all the crap in my head I decided it was better to just put it on the back burner and try to tidy up the disaster of a mess in my heart and mind first. Once again, I was wrong! I didn’t even realize I was doing this until about two or three weeks ago.
Before, when people would sit down with me and ask me how I was feeling since starting the race, I couldn’t explain. I felt like I had no emotion. I was feeling nothing. I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed with the holy spirit, I wasn’t feeling home sick, I wasn’t feeling irritated with community, or anything else that I expected to be feeling once I got out here. I felt nothing! I would just zone out during prayer, thinking about blogging, finances, blah blah blahhh. I would think about all the distractions I had in my head that were keeping me from feeling and growing. I would pray but it was so hard for me to hear what God was saying! I had a vision of me in a pool of dirty water, filled with all of the same crap that was floating around in my brain. So much garbage everywhere! God was in there too, but I couldn’t see Him. I would try to push away the garbage but that only let me see Him long enough to know He was still there before everything would come flooding back in. This is what was going on in my life. I knew God was there speaking to me but I couldn’t hear or see Him. I knew that something needed to change.
After praying for weeks, I finally realized that I was focusing too much on all of the distractions and not on building a relationship with God. I asked my self questions like, “Why am I holding on to these things? Why are they on my mind? Better yet, What the heck are they?! What are all of these things that I can’t let go of?” I started praying for clarity on what they were and the answers to my questions started pouring in. I realized I was holding on to worries, doubts, and other issues that I thought I had worked through but really, I just threw aside. If you have ever seen the movie ‘Inside out,’ picture these things down in the dark canyon where they throw out old memories, except for me, the stuff I threw away wasn’t disappearing. It was growing and causing problems. Once I realized this I started to feel better. I started to feel in general.
I wasn’t prepared for the way God was going to teach me the lessons I got out of this. I have never experienced Him in this way. I have never felt so thirsty to have a relationship with Him, especially with the feeling of being stuck in my cluttered mind. He reassured me that even when things get hard, He is still there and He will never give up on me no matter how many times I fall.
Though many aspects of The World Race were appealing when applying, I knew why God wanted me to come. I am here because God told me to come. He put this passion for serving in my heart. He brought The World Race to my attention through a friend. He provided the funds to get me here in a very short period of time. I am meant to be here and He wants me here. He wants me to grow. I want to do whatever it takes to make Him proud. I surrender my life.
God, I want to give you everything. All the distractions, all the burdens, and all the worries. Tare me down, rip me apart until there is nothing left but a pile of rubbish. Then build me up into who you meant for me to be without all of the crap I have stored up along the way. I pray that the lessons I am learning right now are never forgotten. Please use them to grow me and to mature me in mind and spirit.
You can have me. Lord I give you my life.
I knew there would be hard times coming into this and I know that He plans on transforming me through this experience. I am excited to be going through these things, and I can’t wait to see how God is going to change me. I love this journey. Thank you to everyone who got me here and thank you for all the prayers and encouragement through it!
