It was around 3 PM on Saturday when I officially got to training camp in White, Georgia. There were over 200 crazy people running around trying to set up their tents and the same thing kept running through my head: "Maybe I was wrong, Maybe I cant do this."
If anyone knows me, I am loud, outgoing, and pretty annoying. But in this setting, at that moment, I found myself shy and disconnected. I didn't know my place. I was unsure if I was able to do thi
s and I felt very vulnerable. As a matter of fact, maybe a little too vulnerable. You go into training camp not knowing what's going to happen 5 minutes from now. Everything is up in the air. You never know when they are going to ask you to wake up at 6 in the morning, have you pack all you things and go hiking in the middle of the woods while its freezing cold and you are half way asleep. You never know when they are going to ask you to eat fish head and peanut soup for breakfast. (YUCK!) You never know when they are going to take your bags and say that all of your luggage got lost on a plane and the only thing you have is the clothes on your back. You never know when they are going to tell you and 54 of your other squad mates to sleep on a school bus for the night.
On the outside, it looked like all of my squad mates were doing all these things without a problem. And on the inside I was wasting away slowly because I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it. I was not eating because I couldn't eat the ethnic food that was being served, and when I did eat, I would throw everything up.
I was sick for 2 days throwing up and feeling nauseous. I was telling myself that I was not skinny or strong enough to do all the physical things that everyone else was doing. And the fear that started consuming my mind started to cripple me mentally and emotionally. I had thoughts that I was going to get sick while in a different country and die. These were thoughts that plagued my mind the first half of the week at Training Camp. I felt incapable, inadequate, and worthless. I thought to myself, "Why would God put this on my heart, have faithful people donating to this ministry, and why would I be here at training camp if this isn't what I was supposed to do"
I know fear is not of God. I know that how I was perceiving myself, God didn't perceive me like tha
t. I started to share with my squad mates and leaders how I was feeling and I had people praying over me all week, asking how I was doing and speaking truth into my life. I remember going to sit on a rock and laying everything out before the Lord. Giving all my negative thoughts about myself, and irrational fears up to God. And at the moment I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of peace come over my body. Assurance that God will protect me and a reminder of What God thinks about me, and let me just say that fat, ugly, useless, worthless, inadequate, and failure were not on that list! I have a sense of the Holy spirit inside of me that I have never felt before. I have a new dependence on God that I thought I always had. I thought I always depended on God, until everything got taken away from me and I got to learn what true dependence is like. I want to thank all my supporters, friends, and family for helping me get to training camp! God taught me so much and I am so EXCITED to leave in January! Any questions please feel free to ask…
