The sky is slightly overcast, big drops of rain slowly hit the windshield making an all too familiar sound. They are the big kind, the kind that come right before a mid-summer storm. My eyes are heavy as I stare out the window at the long line of traffic headed in the opposite direction. It’s humid and I’m tired but that doesn’t stop me from quietly singing the lines of one of my favorite worship songs that is playing in the background.
You called me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail…
I look around the car at the four beautiful girls sitting around me, all singing together in unison as a quiet energy not of ourselves keeps us going. Just a week ago I had no idea who these girls were. Now we were crammed together in a little car, sticky leg to sticky leg, cruising along a stretch of road somewhere on a Georgia highway, crying and laughing and singing. (Probably also smelling a lot like wet dog). It’s a beautiful thang and God is good!
Training camp was a whirlwind. I learned practical things like how to set up my tent right the first time, how to lock the valve on my sleeping pad so it actually works like it’s supposed to, and the appropriate time to use the word “ya’ll” (which is basically always). I also learned tips and tricks to help me survive in other cultures. Wipe with left hand, eat with right hand (or vice versa?), no peace signs, eat what they give you and then eat some more, girls sit on the floor… the list goes on.
It’s down to the wire as I leave in about six weeks (Woah- sneak attack!!). And every now and then I have a total freak out moment and I ask myself loads of ridiculous questions: Why am I going? Why am I leaving so many good things behind? What is my purpose? Do I have one?
It didn’t take me long to realize I can’t answer these questions on my own so I brought them to the Lord. God, why have you opened these doors? What do you have for me this year? What’s your will for my life? Can I have it all??
I’ve begged and pleaded with Him for answers. And like most fathers do when their children start nagging, He answered with his own question.
Who do you say that I am?
Gulp. (I should probably know this if I’m going to proclaim His name to the nations, right?)
It’s the same question Jesus asks Simon Peter as he is gathered with his disciples in Casarea Philippi (ancient Rome) in Matthew 16. Jesus is facing opposition in his ministry as the religious leaders of the time are falsely teaching the gentiles that he is not in fact the son of God. They are discussing this when Jesus looks at Simon Peter and boldly asks:
“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”
Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”
Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
Matthew 16:13-19
I’m humbled to my core every time I read this verse. I’m humbled because I believe that I serve the same exact God that was in the very midst of his weary disciples that day, promising them full access to the Kingdom of Heaven. I believe that God is still as powerful today as he was yesterday, and still as powerful as He was 2013 years ago when he overcame death on a cross. I believe that He is still offering us the keys to his kingdom. I believe that he is still writing the same story he started so many years ago, and that the rock that He has built his church on can still withstand the gates of Hades. I believe in a God that is so powerful that I cannot deny His presence because the holy spirit has overtaken me and I’ve found the one thing I know is worth living for. So who do you think He is, Jess??
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You Are I Am, MercyME
I’m thankful for every experience, good and bad, at training camp that prompted me to ask these hard questions and seek out these truths. God doesn’t need us; He wants us. He’s not building his kingdom because of any works that we do, but by his grace He will use us as his church to build his kingdom on who He is. Amen!
I’ve decided that I’m not writing my own story anymore. The pages are blank and I’m willingly giving the pen back to the true author of my story. And I'm reminded once again why I go; I am a daughter of a mighty and powerful God who is in reckless pursuit of his children and wants them to be a part of His story.
..Will you join me? Who do you say He is?
“For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
Romans 8:14-17
