While volunteering at Hermano Pedro
Hospital 4 years ago, several kids including Moyses, Gasbar, Gloria, Roberto,
and Sam Sam stole parts of my heart; however, there was one who took every
ounce of compassion and love I had to offer, Alex. Alex has been in my thoughts nearly every
other day since I last lived in Antigua. I would wonder if he was back in his village,
if people came to visit him, if someone else chose to love him, and more
importantly if he is even still alive.
Alex was not very high functioning, and he had multiple seizures each
week. Needless to say, for him to still
be alive would be a shock.
When I first talked to Dick Rutgers at that
church service, I couldn’t bring myself to ask him about Alex. At that point I was not ready for a
response. How do I prepare myself for
the answer to the question on my mind.
“Is Alex still alive?” Yes or
no…I honestly don’t know which answer I hoped to hear. More than anything I avoid the lingering
thought that I think I would rather have heard Alex had died and gone to be
with the Lord rather than know he had been lying in that bed 21 hours a day
with no one there to love him. A part of
me feels guilty for even thinking such a thing, but the reality of his life
actually causes me physical pain inside.
The question had to be asked at some
point. When I arrived at the hospital
the next day, the dreaded question surfaced quickly. Dick responded with an “Oh yeah, he is still
here! Go find him.” My heart sank and leapt in the same
moment. It was a similar feeling in the
heart cavity to that of losing your stomach on a roller coaster. My spirit was heavy, but all I could do was
find him quickly.
I quickly took off in a search for
Alex. I went up and down the rows
staring into the same faces of desperation I had seen for the first time years
earlier. Something about this place
causes you to never become apathetic to the reality that it is. Most of these kids lie in bed for 21 hours a
day with only a few hours outside in their wheelchairs. The simplicity of a visitor and tangible love
keeps them going for years to come. Each
day Alex came to my mind over the last several years, I would wrestle with the
fact that I may never see his smiling, crying, and sad face again. The reality is that while I have lived my life
fully alive over the last 4 years, he was lying in that bed.
To my surprise, I saw that beautiful
face
.
Like a “Where’s Waldo?” I found my
Alex. He was upright in his wheelchair,
a little taller but overall the same size.
He had a cast on his right hand covering an IV medicine drip fighting an
infection. More than anything I wanted
to swoop him into my arms, but the nurses would not allow him to be held due to
the IV. When I said his name, his face
lit up with that big, bright smile.
Whether or not he remembers me, I won’t ever really know. I like to believe that he remembers, but the
important thing is that he has changed my life.
Now I am here to love him for a month longer, but what does that
mean?!?!
In the two days I spent with him this week,
I found that he still eats from a bottle, yet majority of the bottle he spits
out onto his clothes. He is extremely
malnourished. Now he is about 10 years
old, but probably weighs less than 25 pounds.
He can’t walk, talk, or barely move.
The nurses will not take him to the malnutrition ward simply because he
is not losing any weight. Needless to
say, I am at a loss. I have been asking
more questions than I know what to do with… What is his purpose? Why is he here? Why am I back here? What do I do? Why do some suffer so severely and I have
such incredible opportunities? God, just tell me something.
Four years ago, I stood before the Lord
asking similar questions. Now I have
seen the world, I have seen injustice at its best, I know the Lord a bit more,
so I feel like I should have some novel answer to these questions regarding the
injustice that has been before my eyes all year. After returning to OBU from Guatemala the
first time, a professor spoke on the book of Habbakuk. Before I felt guilty for questioning the
Lord’s goodness and sovereignty. When I
heard Habbakuk’s conversation with the Lord my heart found rest, knowing if a
man in the Bible asked God these questions, then surely God expected these
instances to come up again. Needless to
say, I am a Habbakuk through and through.
Habbakuk asks, the Lord…
“How
long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not
save? Why do you make me look upon
injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?”
The Lord responds…
“Look
at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something
in your days that you would not believe if I told you.”
Habbakuk still complains…
“O
Lord, are you not from everlasting? Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you
cannot tolerate wrong. Why then do you
tolerate the treacherous? Why are you
silent while the wicked swallow up those more righteous than themselves?
I
will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what
he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint.”
The Lord responds again…
“Write
down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with
it. For the revelation awaits an
appointed time; it speaks of the end and it will not prove false. Though it linger, WAIT for it; it will
certainly come and will not delay.
For
the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord.
The
Lord is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”
Habbakuk responds…
“Lord
I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them
known; in wrath remember mercy.”
Three years ago, after wrestling with these
same issues for a year, I formulated a response. My response was as Habbakuk’s, to believe the
Lord has not lost control of the past, present, or future and to wait for the
Lord. He is in His temple waiting for
the perfect time to permanently reconcile the world back unto Himself. Now I am faced with the same questions, but
they do not only regard Alex and Guatemala. They involve the children of South Africa,
the orphans of Swaziland, the confused of Botswana, the prostitutes of
Thailand, the war-struck of Cambodia, the captives of China, the impoverished
of the Philippines, the hurricane struck of Nicaragua, the Alexs’ of Guatemala,
all those hurting in between, and the lost of America! I honestly have a difficult time implementing
this response now that all of these places and injustices rattle around in my
mind. My response to the realities that
I have seen remains the same even while wrestling with God is something I do
best. While writing this blog I was told
by a friend that I am a fighter, which can be both a good and bad quality. My
plea is that the Lord uses my wrestling to reveal more of Himself while
bringing mercy and justice to those without a voice.
As Habbakuk converses with the Lord he
recalls everything he has seen while waiting, and responds with this…
“I
heard and my heart pounded, my lips quiver at the sound; decay crept into my
bones, and my legs trembled. Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
to come on the nation invading us.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no
sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I
will be joyful in God my savior. The
Sovereign Lord is my strength, he makes my feet like the feet of a dear, he
enables me to go on the heights.”
We have all felt and seen as Habbakuk
claims in this response. We have felt
the pain of injustice deep in our bones, waited for the Lord to show up, had
great expectation with no fruit, yet chosen to curse or rejoice, wallow in pain
or embrace joy, complain in weakness or be enabled by God’s strength. This is a challenge to you and I to receive
God’s joy and strength alongside our wrestling with the injustices faced in our
daily lives and as we journey around the world.
