This journey is not for me. I am called to serve God, but not like this. I prayed for God to take me outside of my comfort zone and to challenge me, but I don’t think I am able to do so at this point. The Race is not for me.
This is how I felt today. These are the feelings I woke up to and spent all day trying to make sense of. For the majority of the day I was ready to hop on a plane tomorrow morning and fly home. Even though other than family, right now there is nothing at home for me. I have come to the realization, after much thought, prayer, frustration and tears that up until now I have identified myself solely by my family. Without them, I am not sure who I am. God has stripped the comfort of my family away from me during this season of my life so I can find my identity in Him, my true identity. I am not who I am based on things or people in my life, and because of facing that reality I have become broken and numb.
Today I almost made the selfish choice to leave the race. I was going to take the easy way out. Where would that have gotten me?
Trust me, you may hear glorified stories or see amazing pictures of World Racer’s journeys…but unless you actually experience the race, there is no doing justice to how hard it can really be. From constantly eating food that doesn’t sit well, to using squatty potties to go to the bathroom, always wondering if there will be toilet paper available, bucket showers with water that has bugs in it or showering in freezing cold water, sleeping on the floor with your sleeping pad with a hole in it to sleeping in a bed made of plywood and a thin layer of cotton batting… I feel like I could go on forever, but you get the hint. Of course the Race is not terrible because of those things, but don’t ever think that I have once felt comfortable so far on this journey; as great as the experience has been. This may just be my opinion, but I am being completely honest.
After what seemed to be a very long day of laying around with my mind going constantly, I was able to rest in the fact that once I was able to quiet myself before God, He spoke to me that our adventure to the mountains which we are going on tomorrow (which I was dreading) will be a turning point for me on the Race, and to not miss out on that opportunity based on the selfishness of being uncomfortable.
When I felt I lost heart for the race and there was not even a cinder to relight that fire, was when God did what I thought was the impossible at this point. He filled me with a yearning to continue. I was dead set on going home today, but I am not leaving the Race. It is not my time to go home.
