I came on the World Race with the intention of having my focus set on serving others and serving God. Initially I thought that if I viewed this year as a year of spiritual growth for me, than I was being selfish and had would be here for the wrong reasons. As the months progress, I am learning that a major part of this journey is personal growth.
After completing four months on the field you probably would not notice anything different about me by looking at me (other than a few scars and some weight loss). But, if you were to examine the way I think, act and react in everyday life situations you would be surprised as to the way God is changing my mindset.
As most of you know, the past four months have not been easy on me. I have often had a negative attitude about feeling sick, getting infections, being homesick and being uncomfortable. It has literally been an emotional rollercoaster. As I am reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, it is all starting to make sense to me why I felt the way I did and why I handled situations the way I did. I did not realize the power of my thoughts. Although this book is a great eye opener, Joyce Meyer is not responsible for the change in my behavior…God is.
I went into this past month in Malaysia with the same mindset as I had in previous months. It was not until the end of the month that something changed. During our second week of ministry, we headed into the jungle with our contact. There we spent our days doing manual labor where our contact was building a farm and residency from the ground up. Mostly to do with the danger of his ministry, but along with other personal reasons, not many people have volunteered their time to help with this project. So now that he had 6 young adults to help him, he was going to take advantage of every minute we were there. I had a terrible attitude going into this. I was pushed to my limit with the physical labor assigned to us, and when we weren’t working we were having deep theological conversations led by our contact. As the week drew to a close, I was mentally and physically exhausted, to the point that I was ready to give up the entire Race. My mind was so close to being set in stone about going home. It wasn’t that I wanted to go home necessarily, but I did not want to be in that jungle any longer. I was sick and tired of being pushed to my limits!
After that week, we went back into the city for a night where I took the time to seek God. I prayed and asked Him to show me what to do. I received many encouraging prayers from people back home as well. The following week I went back into the jungle with a different attitude. Instead of being negative towards the tasks at hand, I prayed. I found peace in the little things, such as butterflies (which to me are a symbol of the presence of the Holy Spirit). I realized how huge it was that I was able to be a part of such an incredible ministry! I didn’t view the hard work as slaving away or being pushed to my limits. Instead, I was motivated to help build up the kingdom (literally). My sacrifices that second week were bringing enough glory to God that I knew the effects such as tiredness were going to be well worth it. And it was so worth it.
About a week later we were living in the city with our contact’s family. We were getting ready to go meet up with someone at the market and to get dinner. As I walked outside to the car something happened. I look back now and it is almost a blur. I just remember standing down in a deep drain on the side of the road feeling as if I just knocked every tooth of out my head. I don’t know how to describe how I was feeling other than, “out of it.” Our contact’s wife reached down in the drain and pulled me out by the arms (I have no idea where the strength came from for her to do that). I touched my teeth and thankfully they were all there, but my lip on the other hand was split open pretty bad. As I sat on my knees on the kitchen floor, blood dripping from my lip, I began pray, “Jesus help me.” I remember saying Jesus’ name repeatedly. Even one of my team members picked up on the fact that the first word out of my mouth was “Jesus” and she knew that was not a likely reaction for me in such a situation. As they sat me up over the sink to wash some of the dirt and blood away, our contacts wife told me that this was something spiritual. I was confused, but as she began to explain it made more sense. At the exact moment I fell, a man in the living room had accepted Christ after hours of being caught up in a battle of spiritual warfare. My mind was in a million places at this point trying to process everything.
For the readers who have known me before the Race, do you think if I was sitting in a clinic with a busted lip, fractured front tooth, broken toe and a scraped up arm and leg, that I would be sitting there praising God in my head? I don’t think so. It even amazed me myself to witness how I was reacting. The thought going through my head as I was getting my lip stitched up was, “I am so blessed.” Wow. Yes, you are probably thinking, “this girl is crazy.” Maybe that is true, but I don’t care because I have never been in a better place in my life. Although God may be stretching me further than I would like in some situations, He is also allowing me to grow abundantly in my walk with Him. I have grown in my thoughts, my actions and especially my reactions.
I am still the same Jessie, just a much better version.
