Welcome back, folks! In this blog, I want to share with you my personal, emotional, and spiritual journey through Training Camp. It was a wild ride, and I’m still processing bits and pieces of it, but I want to share it with you. This post is pretty long, but stick with me until the end – it’s WORTH IT!
Training Camp was not at all what I expected. That isn’t because I had a picture in my head of what it should be like; I knew it was nothing I could prepare for. Training Camp was different from what I expected because I was different than I expected.
Two things you should know about me: I’m a perfectionist. And I’m a natural leader.
Going into Training Camp, I had a picture of who I wanted to be seen as by my squad and my leadership team. That picture looked like an empowered young woman with a good head on her shoulders, wise and ready to lead; a woman who cares deeply for others, loves Jesus radically, and is ready to change the world. I wanted to be a picture-perfect World Racer, a “no-brainer” option to be put into leadership.
I forgot that I had been asking God for weeks to humble me at Training Camp. And humble me, He did.
Training Camp was 10 days long, and the first 7 days were hard. Not because of the strange food, sleeping conditions, or physical activity. The first 7 days were hard because I was full of doubt and uncertainty. I felt inadequate. I felt scared. I doubted my ability to be who Adventures wanted me to be. I doubted that I had a real relationship with Jesus. I honestly felt like a fraud. I struggled constantly with fear and doubt. My times of worship were spent mostly on my knees, crying out for help from a God I wasn’t sure would listen. I was wrestling with doubts and lies and inner turmoil… all while still trying to maintain the image of myself that I wanted my squadmates and leadership team to see. It was isolating and lonely; I was discouraged and afraid.
The first full day we were there, I learned something about myself. It’s a metaphor, like all my favorite nuggets are. In my life, I’ve found that people care deeply about how they are perceived in their own home. When guests come over, we apologize for the messes in our house; we make excuses for why it isn’t spotlessly clean. If you are anything like my family, you have a place in your house for the mess to hide. Maybe it’s a closet or the attic. When I was a little kid, that place was under my bed. In my family, it’s “the back of the house.” When company comes over, or we are doing a general clean-up, things that are unwanted in living areas get moved into “the back of the house.” It rarely, if ever, gets cleaned, so no guests are allowed back there, or even allowed to sneak a peek. We may tell people that it exists, or even tell them what kinds of things are in there, but no one is allowed in. It’s a place of deep shame, because it’s proof that our house isn’t spotlessly clean like we think everyone expects.
I have a “back of the house” for my life. All of my mess and brokenness and sin and struggles that make me imperfect get shoved into that hidden place, away from where guests can see. It’s a place of shame, and I don’t like to talk about it. I may tell people I have a hidden place, or even tell them what kinds of things I hide there, but I never let anyone in to help clean. That’s a big no-no. Well, guess what? During Training Camp, God asked to be let into that place.
If you read “Who Am I Really?,” you learned that I struggle with believing the lie that God doesn’t love me if I’m not perfect. So as He asked me to let Him into the hidden place where I keep all of my mess, all I could think and feel was fear. I discovered I have a strong fear of rejection, and an addiction to affirmation. I discovered that I’m afraid to trust God – with anything. If I show Him my brokenness, He won’t love me. If He knew the things and people I loved or wanted, He would take them away. How did I end up so full of fear and lies and doubts??
So I wrestled, non-stop, for the first 7 days of Training Camp. We learned a lesson on milestones and how important it is to be present and engaged with what God is doing right now instead of rushing to completion and the next best thing. So I sat in my fear and my doubt and I wrestled.
All the while, my squadmates were being put in leadership positions. All the while, I knew I wasn’t who I wanted to be. All the while, I felt like a fraud. All the while, I felt isolated, because if anyone knew what I was struggling with, they might send me home because I’m not what they want. And if I’m sent home, I’m a disgrace.
How heavy is that??
God didn’t leave me hanging during my time of wrestling. He sent multiple people to give me words of affirmation and speak Truth into my lies. He taught me how I uniquely connect with Him. He affirmed me through worship lyrics, speakers, healing, and visions. He helped me slowly open up to the people around me about what I was wrestling with. But there was still something for me to do; I was holding on to the door to that hidden place so tightly, and in reality what I was holding on to was control over my own life. I wasn’t fully submitted to His authority and Lordship. I was holding on too tightly to my own life to pick up the one He wanted for me.
Day 8 changed everything.
Day 8 changed my testimony.
Day 8 changed my life.
Not the day itself, but the decision I made.
Day 8, during squad time, we were handed a squad covenant. This single piece of paper with a commitment we were making to God, each other, and ourselves. It was heavy. I wrestled with it a lot. I sat down with my squad mentor and told her the truth: I’m scared to say “yes” to this. I told her about my perfectionism and my fear of rejection. She soothed my fears with grace and compassion. I went back to my spot on the floor, got on my knees, and wept. “God, what are you doing??” I demanded to know why the past 7 days had happened to me. I was hurt and frustrated. God gently gave me this realization:
I realized that I had been using my label and lifestyle of Christianity to fuel my perfectionism. I wasn’t in it for Jesus, I was in it for me.
In that moment, face-down on the training center floor, I made a decision. My life isn’t about me anymore, it’s about Jesus.
I rededicated my life to Jesus!!
After saying “amen” and taking communion, I was GIDDY. I sat down with Fran and exclaimed, “I SAID YES!!!!” As she laughed at me, I explained to her that I felt the same way people feel after skydiving: the amount of fear you feel before you jump is directly proportional to the amount of relief you feel when you are back on solid ground. And my friends, after saying “yes” to Jesus, I was on solid ground! I joyfully signed the squad covenant, giggling and crying the whole time.
Hallelujah, He is good! How incredible is it that we have a God who does not give up on us, uses us in His Kingdom and for His people even if we are using Him for selfish reasons, and is faithful to us to the end when we really really really don’t deserve it??? Hallelujah, He is good!!!
My last three days of Training Camp, I was on top of the world. I finally understood the meaning of being a “new creation.” As a lifelong believer and churchgoer, it never felt like I had been saved from anything by knowing Jesus. Little did I know I needed saving from myself! Thank You, Jesus!! Man, He’s good.
On the last day of Training Camp (after the C-sterhood KILLED IT in the squad wars dance battle) I chose to be BAPTIZED!!! Here’s a video of that incredible experience:
Coming out of the water to the SCREAMING of my squadmates and all of the other people present, I got a sweet, sweet taste of Heaven. It was deafening, but it was joyful and celebratory. I knew that I had been welcomed into the fold of God and there isn’t anything that can get me out.
After all the baptisms were finished and we had worshiped together around the pool, the Racers who had been baptized stepped back into the pool and we were prayed over. It was a beautiful picture of unity in the body of Christ – red, blue, and green, all laying hands on one another and praying over one another. Mmm-mm! Your Kingdom come, Lord Jesus!
So when people ask me, “How was Training Camp??,” I think you understand now why it’s hard to explain! Training Camp was incredible. It was hard, but it was so so so so so so so good. I think it’s a good example of what I have to look forward to in the year to come!
To God be the glory FOREVER!!!!! Amen!
