Hey folks, sorry it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. We finished up in Thailand on May 30, right at the end of Parent Vision Trip. A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I haven’t really known how to fully convey everything in a blog and the things kept piling up higher and higher and higher and now there’s so much to share and some things I don’t want to relive through writing, but I want to be both fair and authentic with y’all and share it all anyway. You guys, my supporters, are the reason I am out here “doing the thing,” and I want to include you in what I’m experiencing. So here we goooo!
The first week of our time in Thailand was really good. My team was working with an incredible organization called the Free Burma Rangers (look them up!) and we got to bless them through office work, planning children’s programs, and a myriad of other tasks. We also led worship and devos for them and attended their house church. Fitness is really important to them, so we worked out with them every other morning! It was an honor to be welcomed into their family, shake hands with Dave Eubanks (look him up!), and bring lift to their organization. It was really sweet to see how each of our team members got to use their specific gifts and talents in a place where FBR had needs – for instance, I created an ESL and math curriculum for Burmese patients who come to Thailand for medical care and I edited and formatted a 53-page volunteer manual. That first week was really good.
The second week got hard. We were still doing the same things ministry-wise, but it was like there was an IV drip of spiritual oppression streamlining into my soul. I didn’t notice it at first, but when I did notice it, it was already so heavy that I didn’t know how to handle it. I was accepting and believing as truth so many lies about myself. I was weighed down under the belief that I am not enough, no one wants to be my friend, I am a bad friend, I am rejected, I am unwanted, I have nothing to contribute to anyone, and I have no value or worth. Spirits of rejection and unwantedness laid heavily on me; it was all I could feel from any interaction. Was I just ignored? I’m unwanted. Did someone say a harsh word to me? I am rejected. Did I just say a harsh word to someone else? I am a bad friend.
On and on and on it went. As much as I tried to fight the lies with truth, there was so much evidence to prove that the lies were true that I stopped fighting and I let the lies crush my mind, body, and soul. One night, I was crying myself to sleep, my mind full of accusations and harsh words and lies, and my teammate, Ally, in the bunk above me, sent me a text (it was dark and everyone was going to sleep), “Are you okay?” and I replied, “No.” She immediately got down from her bed and started praying for me, as did Mary Beth, and Tessa as well when she got back in the room from a phone call. I think we probably stayed there for an hour; I was sobbing hysterically, completely inconsolable, and they sat with me and held me and spoke truth over me and prayed for deliverance for me. Though that was my biggest breakdown of Thailand, it certainly wasn’t the last and it’s how I felt all the time, even if I put on a brave face the rest of the time.
That week was also difficult because I was very very anxious about my parents’ travel to Thailand; they flew “standby,” so no flight was ever guaranteed. As PVT grew closer and closer and my parents weren’t buying tickets to guarantee flights and then they missed flights and were rerouted all over the United States and the days were ticking down, I had more than one breakdown of anxiety and frustration and fear. I prayed so much for God’s will to be done, and ultimately it was, but I was a bucket and a barrel of anxiety until they landed in Thailand at 10:30pm the night before PVT.
PVT was a beautiful mess, if I had to put it into two words. A beautiful mess. I had really high hopes for PVT; I wanted it to be a week full of fun and laughter and good times with my parents. But when my parents arrived, I was not okay. I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown the entire week; I don’t think there was a single moment in which I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to be a strong, new, transformed Jessica for my parents, but instead I was a pathetic, weepy, quiet, and sad Jessica who didn’t know how to have fun. A lot of our time together was silent while other families around us laughed and conversed and made new friends. I loved having my parents with me, but I felt like I was ruining everything for them and for us. One day, instead of going out to the zoo or botanical gardens like other families, my parents and I curled up on a couch together and I broke down completely in front of them; I told them all about the lies I was believing and the spiritual oppression I was feeling. I cried and cried and cried. I’m crying now as I write this.
But there was so much healing in that conversation. My parents were able to love me – truly, completely, unconditionally love me – in a place of utter brokenness. In a place where I had absolutely nothing to give them; I had no way to earn their love. And yet they told me, “We are not here for Thailand or the Race or other parents; we are here for you because we love you and we don’t have to do anything for this to be worth it, because being with you is enough and all that we wanted from this trip. Being with you is enough. God sent us here this week because He knew that you needed us.” Little did they know that those statements tore down walls the Enemy had been building up my whole life. Just like that, the walls came down.
Growing up, I came to believe that I had to be perfect in order to be loved. And that absolutely applied to my relationship with my parents; I thought that they would only love me if I was perfect. I’ve spent most of my life hiding my flaws from them and working hard to be perfect so that they would never disapprove of me.
But that moment… curled up with my parents in a hostel in Thailand, weeping and being completely raw and exposed to them, hearing that I don’t have to do anything at all to be loved by them and that I am enough… that moment tore down wall after wall after wall. The rest of the week was still hard; I still cried a lot and the spiritual oppression was still heavy, but I knew my relationship with my parents was untouchable.
The entire month (well, two weeks, really) of Thailand leading up to PVT, I prayed every single day for my parents and their preparation for PVT and for God’s will to be done at PVT. When PVT arrived and it wasn’t anything like what I had wanted, I was massively disappointed, but afterwards I realized that I hadn’t asked for my will to be done, but God’s! And His will was done; I believe my family’s PVT experience was exactly what God wanted it to be.
And wow – I’m crying again – He is so so kind and gracious; our last 36 hours was nothing short of wonderful. On the last night of planned events we sat in the back of a closed coffee shop together, reading letters to one another and crying about how much we loved each other; it was a beautiful mess. The next morning, we went to an elephant sanctuary and fed and bathed and played with real life elephants up close and personal! We took naps and then went out to dinner and had a blast laughing and chatting together. Then we spent hours and hours in the night market, shopping and searching for last minute items, eating mango sticky rice, and laughing more than we have in YEARS during a Thai fish pedicure! The next day we said goodbye and then – surprise! – got a couple more hours together in the afternoon, visiting our favorite smoothie lady. Wowie wow, I would relive PVT over and over and over again – including the ridiculous amount of emotional breakdowns I had and all the tears I shed – to relive those last two days. They made the whole week worth it; God is so so kind and gracious.
I know my mom included these pictures in her blog, but I love them, so here they are again hehe.
Mom & Dad, thank you for coming all the way to Thailand to love me well when I was a mess. I’m so thankful for you and so thankful for our time together. You guys are the best and I love you!
Thankfully we got outta Thailand right after PVT ended. We traveled on an overnight bus to Bangkok, had a wild taxi adventure to get to our second bus at which point a man we call “Burgundy Shorts” became our BFF, and traveled in style and comfort to the Cambodian border – which, get this, was supposed to be a daunting and treacherous experience but some nice men in green shirts held our hands through the process, got our visas for us, and let us sit in air conditioning for at least 75% of it WOW WHAT A GIFT!! Upon driving into the Cambodian countryside after crossing the border, I felt an indescribable unarguable PEACE come upon me. The spiritual oppression of Thailand quite tangibly lifted from my spirit and I experienced pure, unadulterated freedom from it. Just by crossing a border. Guys, spiritual oppression is no joke and is honestly quite nuts.
Straight away in Cambodia we had debrief and some exciting things happened there, but that will be a blog for another time… 😉
Thank you all for your endless love and support!
Xoxo Jessica
