Last week I said “YES” to a new, exciting, and a little bit terrifying season of my World Race. I had known for weeks that God was preparing me to say “YES” to something, but I didn’t know what was coming.
Last month in South Africa God told me, “There will be a season of learning obedience, but I want your heart and trust first.” Over the course of the month, He beckoned me deeper and deeper into trust and intimacy with Him, and within that I fell in love with the person of Jesus. I stopped caring about myself and how I wanted to change and grow; instead, I simply pursued intimacy with Jesus. In that intimacy, I found Him to be so so gentle, kind, and trustworthy. I felt the freedom to finally start letting go of control and independence and sink into the sweet, sweet trustworthiness of Jesus.
Then, this month, God started talking to me about faith – faith as action. He told me over and over, “You trust me, now walk in faith.” He told me to take risks, step out in faith, and trust in Him not just with my head but my heart, too. He told me, “Fear has held you down. It’s time to go into battle, my flower child.”
That title – “flower child” – comes from a prophetic word my teammate, TL, spoke over me in Lesotho, month four. She told me, “You’re like the flower child of God’s army… I see you as this happy, smiling you with a massive flower crown adorning your head. You don’t need a metal crown to denote your position as princess in the throne room; you wear your Father’s handiwork with all the pride and glory it deserves.” This month in Malaysia, God has started calling me that and has called me to walk in that identity – the flower child of His army.
One evening last week our squad leader, Lynden, led us in a Psalm-writing worship session. If you didn’t know, Psalm-writing is one of the ways that God created me to worship Him. This is the Psalm I wrote, inspired by Psalm 139:23-24 and Spirit-led from there:
Search me, O God and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you
And lead me along the path of everlasting life.
God, I invite you in to search me
Search and seizure
Full exposure
Find the darkness, the selfish motives, the vain ambitions, the jealous heart, the envious desires, the lack of trust, the spirit of superiority, the insecurity
Search me, God, and find it all
Bind it up and cast it out – in the Name of Jesus!
I will be free, free indeed
Sanctified and unblemished
Holy and set apart for you
Lead me, Commander, and tell me where to go and what to do; I belong to you
I am the flower child of your army
I was made with a purpose
It’s time to throw off the fear that weighs me down and the sin that trips me up
It’s time to make bold moves, stepping out in faith and trust
Lead on, Commander, I’m yours
I am a soldier in my Father’s army
A holy, beloved daughter
A mighty warrior
Yours
All victory belongs to you, God
All victory belongs to you
I submit to your leadership;
I know there is no where I can run from your Spirit
God, I don’t know my next steps
I trust that you will give them to me and make them clear
Doors will open, paths will clear
I’m ready to walk in faith and obedience
God, I just need direction
You are faithful and trustworthy;
You never fail
Your ever-present Spirit will guide me
Open my eyes and ears to see and hear Him
Close my mouth and teach me to wait on you
I’m yours
That night, Lynden announced to us that our Logistics Coordinators, Haley and Monica, who have sacrificially spent the last 7 months of their Race planning and organizing and leading all of our international travel and debriefs, would be stepping down to enter into a season of rest. They are both incredibly hard-working and selfless servant-leaders. Read their blogs about their transition here: Haley’s Blog & Monica’s Blog. Seriously, go read them. I can wait 😉
The next day I got dinner with my friend and former teammate, Naomi, and she asked me if I would consider alumni squad leading (which is when former Racers go back onto the field and lead a squad of first-time Racers) after the Race. I told her that there was a time when all I wanted was a leadership title. I wanted to be a team leader and then I wanted to be a squad leader. But God gently told me in Lesotho that He wants me to be content without a leadership title. So now – thanks to the gentle, kind work of Jesus in me – I no longer covet a leadership title. I am completely content without a title because I know that who I am naturally holds influence because of my relationship with Jesus, and I am learning to claim and control the influence and authority I carry.
That night – after Lynden’s announcement about Logistics changing leadership and me writing that Psalm and telling Naomi I no longer covet a leadership position – I got a call from our Squad Administrator, Hailey, back in the States.
I and my friend, TL, were asked to step into Logistics.
*cue screaming*
I knew immediately when Hailey messaged me to ask if I was online that she would be asking me to step into Logistics. And I knew immediately when she asked us on the phone if we would be the new Logistics team that this was the “YES” that God had been preparing me for.
HOLD UP LET’S RECAP!
A month ago, in South Africa, God told me not to worry about obedience yet, but to focus on pursuing intimacy with Jesus and learning to trust.
This month, God affirmed me in trusting Him, and started beckoning me deeper into trust by calling me to act in faith (meanwhile – I didn’t mention this before – I was getting hit hard with a spirit of apathy that made me respond to anything Kingdom-of-God-related with “I don’t want to and I don’t care” – yikes!).
This month God also gave me and my whole team a month of REST where our ministry has been to be filled with Holy Spirit and pursue intimacy with Jesus.
The night of the announcement that Logistics was changing hands, completely oblivious to what was coming the next day, I wrote a Psalm declaring my full trust in wherever God called me.
I realized I had found freedom from coveting a leadership title.
Then God sent the call, “Step into Logistics.”
WOOOOOOO!! Guys, I hope you see how sweet, beautiful, and wiley God is!!
In case you didn’t know, I am incredibly, anxiously indecisive. I could probably put that down as one of my fatal flaws. And on top of that, I am still learning how to trust the Spirit of God in me and trust that I hear Him clearly when He speaks to me. Ergo, if the call to step into Logistics had come without any spiritual preparation, I would have lost my mind with anxiety and fear.
But our sweet, beautiful, wiley Father has searched me and knows me. He knows I’m indecisive and He knows I struggle to trust the Christ in me. So He prepared me for this “YES” for WEEKS!
He called me to trust in Him. He called me to pursue intimacy with Him. Out of my intimacy with Him came a Jess with a softer, more humble heart. A Jess with a secure heart that knows who she is in Christ and knows she isn’t defined by her works. A Jess that trusts in His goodness and is ready to take her place as the flower child of His army. A Jess that was ready to go as soon as He said “go.” A Jess no longer bound by fear because she trusts in the goodness and sovereignty of her Commander.
WOW He’s good!
And so I’ve stepped into a new season of my World Race. TL and I are now “JeT,” the Logistics Team for our sweet squad of 17 other women. We have spent the past five days researching, planning, booking, and preparing transportation to get our tribe to Thailand this upcoming week. I know for a fact that this season is going to teach me these things, and more:
- Trust and dependence on God and TL – a new way to experience His provision and faithfulness, and a new way to be in community and partnership and friendship
- Humility
- Letting go of control
- Trusting God with and seeing Him in the details and what may seem mundane
- Taking thoughts captive and trusting that what God says about me is true
- How to love & honor TL the way Jesus loves & honors her
- How Logistics is ministry and service to the squad and therefore the Kingdom work
- Understanding how my emotions and attitude influence those of the people around me
- Eyyyy more opportunities to be slow to speak or choose silence (see the “SLOW” section in my blog “Soak & Slow: Malaysia So Far”)
- Setting boundaries
Meet the newly minted C-Squad Logistics Team, JeT – Jess & TL
It’s the beginning of a new season, and sometimes new seasons can bring trepidation. But I know that this is what God wants for me, because I can see His fingerprints all over the process. I can trust that it’s going to be good, because “we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28).
“Flower child, it’s time to step into a new adventure!”
All glory to Him!!
xoxo Jess
P.S. Please be praying for TL & I as we shepherd 17 people from Malaysia to Thailand on May 2nd (although it will still be May 1st for you when we leave haha) – it will be our first travel day as Logistics. Please pray, also, for Monica and Haley as they transition into a season of rest; they loved Logistics, and this is a time of both grieving and celebrating for them. Send them some love by reading those blogs I included earlier 😉 They safely transported our squad between twelve countries, and they did so with grace, love, and humility. WE LOVE YOU, HANNUKAH!! Thanks for trusting JeT with your baby <3
