Confession: I’m an aspiring Plant Lady, but I’m not very good at it.
It started a few years ago when I tried to keep some herbs alive and failed miserably; they died after a week. This year, I tried to regain my Plant Lady status when I bought two succulents (the “unkillable” ones). A few weeks ago I was feeling brave, so I bought a beautiful Gerbera Daisy. Here’s a picture of her:
I did all I could to give her her best shot at life. I did research on how to best care for Gerbera Daisies, I made sure she got lots of sun (but didn’t get too hot), and I watered her the exact amount she needed.
But after a week, her flowers started drooping and turning brown. Soon, one by one, her blooms died, one after another. I was disappointed – in myself as a caretaker and in this plant that now was just dead flowers and big green leaves. Flowering plants look pointless without blooms. I was feeling defeated – my Plant Lady status was thwarted again.
However, as I was pruning the stems of the dead blooms and wilting leaves, I found something. Something completely unexpected….
….a BLOOM! A little baby bloom, not fully matured yet, but a BLOOM!!!
I had to laugh; I thought I was the biggest failure of a Plant Lady because my blooms had died, but in reality, the plant was doing what plants do and was allowing the old blooms to die to make way for new ones.
I pondered this for a while, thinking about how God cares for the plants of the Earth and how He cares for us. I thought about my diligent care for this plant and how it was paying off. My thoughts, then, carried me to the ways my life has changed over the past several months.
I thought about how this time last summer I spent hours every day studying and preparing for the GRE so I could earn a good score in order to fulfill my plans of applying and getting accepted to grad school for a degree in Speech-Language Pathology. I hoped to get engaged within that first year, married before the next. I had big, beautiful plans for my future – bright and shining plans of productivity and success.
But something shifted after I got back to school for my senior year. I wasn’t as excited about these plans as I used to be, but I held on to them, because that’s what I knew I wanted and what was expected of me. I had wise friends boldly question my plans and my motives. One even told me, “You should take a year off and do missions.” I laughed. I didn’t want that. I wanted a Master’s degree and a ring. For weeks, God continued to put people in my life that pointed me in the direction of missions…. and my bright, big, beautiful blooms began to wither.
My plans to apply to grad school turned brown… my desire to research programs, visit open houses, and fill out applications faded.
My hopes to get engaged wilted… I felt pushed by Holy Spirit to end the relationship and followed in obedience after months of selfish disobedience.
One by one, my plans died, one after another. I felt the sadness and disappointment of the people in my life who had hope in these plans (myself included), but I did my duty and pruned them to the base. They weren’t what God wanted. I wanted to live a life submitted to the Lord, and Holy Spirit was pulling me away from these things I had wanted for so long.
BUT HOLY GUACAMOLE BATMAN THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STORY!!!
Growing in the shadows of those plans were the buds of new plans – something I never expected or planned for myself. Hope arising from the dirt.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19
God knew the little baby blooms of plans that would follow as I trusted in Him and pruned away my dying plans (not intended to thrive at this time).
God knows what these baby blooms will look like fully matured, while I still wait in faith and expectationless expectancy for their arrival and maturity.
God knows that big leafy plants without blooms can seem disappointing to the world – and a year with no “progress” or “productivity” is pointless and unsuccessful and fruitless – but He sees beauty in the leaves, never ceases to nurture and care for the plant, and knows the awesome beauty soon to follow.
Today, I pruned the last of the dead stems off of my Gerbera Daisy, still sad to see them go. As I pruned them, I found a cluster of new blooms at the base of the plant, gathering around the one pictured above. Eleven of them, to be exact. Eleven new blooms springing up from the pruning of a few blooms that I was sad to see go.
In October, I won’t be going to grad school. I will be launching on a new, even more scary and exciting adventure – one that will take me to eleven countries in eleven months. I won’t be getting engaged next year, but I will be engaging in ministry all over the world for the glory of God and the building of His Kingdom.
Watching plans wither is never easy, and staring at an “empty” plant is uncomfortable and discouraging at times. But God cares for the plants of the Earth and He cares for us. Lil baby blooms are coming! The willingness to trust God and prune the withering plans (even if we so desperately want to save them, which I tried with my literal and metaphorical blooms) brings more life and hope and beauty than we could ask for or imagine; I’m learning that it’s worth the risk.
He isn’t finished caring for me, pruning me, nurturing me, leading me, and challenging me. This journey, like so many others, is a leap of faith and a catalyst for trust; I have already learned so much about God’s goodness and provision in my fear and my sadness. And until the end, it is well with my soul.
To God be the glory forever.
FUNDRAISING UPDATE: With the help of 87 financial supporters, a few fundraisers, and the mighty provision of God, I am currently 73% funded! I have raised $13,194, surpassing my first three fundraising goals ($5,000; $10,000; and $13,000). Accounting for pledged funds, I still need to raise $3,500 in order to be fully funded. I would love to be fully funded at $18,017 before my launch in October, but I know that my Father in Heaven is a great Provider and the money will come in His time and in His way. If you feel led to give financially to this journey the Lord has led me to (these lil baby blooms!!), click the “donate” button at the top of this page! Every little bit helps, and every little bit is so greatly appreciated. If you are unable to give financially, please lend me your prayers.
Prayer request: I am currently in the process of preparing for my 10-day training camp in August. This includes a physical component that I am training for (hiking 3 miles in 50 minutes with all my gear), the spiritual preparation I am asking Holy Spirit to do in me, and acquiring all of my gear. Feel free to ask me at any time how I am doing with these things (accountability! woo!) and how you can help!
Love always, Jess.
