One of the most popular questions I get these days is, “Are you ready for the Race??” I usually laugh and reply, “I don’t even know what ‘ready’ looks like.”
But if I’m being honest, I have an idea what “ready” looks like, and I know for sure that I’m not ready for the World Race.
I’m not ready to live out of a backpack for a year.
I’m not ready to sleep on the ground every night.
I’m not ready to be bitten by more mosquitoes than I’ve ever seen in my life.
I’m not ready to give up taking hot baths.
I’m not ready to give up luxuries like a bed, A.C., and cold water.
I’m not ready to not have my laundry done exactly how I like it.
I’m not ready to live in 24/7 intentional and challenging community.
I’m not ready to depend wholeheartedly on God and my squadmates.
I’m not ready for the next-level vulnerability the Holy Spirit is going to lead us into.
I’m not ready to live in places I’m not familiar with.
I’m not ready to be immersed in culture unlike my own.
I’m not ready to live where no one speaks my language except my team and maybe our host.
I’m not ready to be completely “unplugged” from technology and social media.
I’m not ready to leave behind my friends and family to the uncertainties a year can bring to all of us.
I’m not ready to miss out on a year of their lives.
I’m not ready for my mom and my closest friends to be too far away to call when I’m stressed, upset, or anxious.
I’m not ready to spend every day serving in ministry that isn’t guaranteed to be enjoyable or pleasant.
I’m not ready for the place of deep brokenness God will lead me to before guiding me into full dependency on Him.
I’m not ready for the inevitable anxiety attacks and nights full of lies from the Enemy.
I’m not ready to be homeless for a year.
I’m not ready to be unemployed.
I’m not ready to face the injustices all over the world when I already feel powerless in the face of injustices here.
I’m not ready to get sick – really sick – in a foreign country.
I’m not ready to use third-world bathrooms – especially when sick.
I’m not ready for uncertainty that the water I drink and the food I eat will be safe to consume.
I’m not ready to be exposed to my privilege, pride, complacency, and laziness.
I’m not ready to come back to the States after a year away.
I’m not ready to be dependent.
I’m not ready to be humbled.
I’m not ready to hurt.
I’m not ready to be fully known.
I’m not ready to trust.
I’m not ready to be changed.
I’m not ready for the World Race.
I have all my gear (I think), I’m 83.11% funded, and I can hike 3 miles in 50 minutes with a backpack full of stuff on my back, but I’m not ready for what’s really in store for me on the World Race. I’ve been asking my supporters to pray that the Holy Spirit prepares me for what the Lord has planned for me, because this I know above all of my unpreparedness:
I cannot make myself ready by my own strength.
This year will be a huge training ground for trusting God with every part of me and learning to let go of fear, anxiety, and control. I’m honestly terrified. I want to resist it. But I also want to dive headfirst into it because I know it will be so good. But I’m so scared. The Spirit of God living inside me is preparing me, but there will always be an element of uncertainty (that’s what makes it faith). Most of the time I’m in denial that the Race is even going to happen. Training Camp is in 40 days and I have a feeling it’s going to rock my world in crazy ways; I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
When I sat down to write this blog, I was feeling anxious and afraid. As I revisit my list of “I’m not ready’s” before hitting the ‘publish’ button, I feel a peace and an expectationless expectancy as God laughs at me. I’m excited to copy and paste this list into a blog at the end of my 11 months of mission work and place in bold print next to each fear how God taught me and ministered to me through that fear. WOOO it’s gonna be a good year! 😀
To God be the glory forever.
Jess
