On July 12th of last year, I wrote a blog called, “I’m Not Ready for the World Race.” I was one month away from training camp and I had NO idea what was coming my way. Now I’m sitting in Manila, Philippines during my last month of this 11-month journey, full of memories and experiences that I will carry the rest of my life. And so so many of those are of how the Lord was a sweet, kind, gentle provider in so many ways.
I was full of fear and anxiety when I wrote this blog more than a year ago. But now I have testimonies of how God is so much bigger than my fears.
One of the most popular questions I get these days is, “Are you ready for the Race??” I usually laugh and reply, “I don’t even know what ‘ready’ looks like.”
But if I’m being honest, I have an idea what “ready” looks like, and I know for sure that I’m not ready for the World Race.
I’m not ready to live out of a backpack for a year. I’ve found after 11 months that my backpack holds even more than I really need; I can live on very very little now. I tried to bring my American excess with me when I came, and I will be coming home from the Race with a pack about 20 pounds lighter, and probably 15 of the remaining pounds are journals and scrapbooks full of memories.
I’m not ready to sleep on the ground every night. We joke that God gave us a “bougie” Race. I have had a bed or mattress provided for me every single month. Puji Tuhan!
I’m not ready to be bitten by more mosquitoes than I’ve ever seen in my life. Ya know, I think camp was worse haha. Unless you count the hundreds of bites I got in one sitting from mites in Nicaragua from a hammock, I’ve had worse mosquito bites.
I’m not ready to give up taking hot baths. I’ve had hot, running water in seven countries. In Lesotho I boiled some water and added it to a cold bath and had a hot bath for about 5 minutes haha. But I have learned to be without luxury, without what I considered “basic needs” before. I really thought I would miss those things, but God showed me that I don’t need them to be satisfied.
I’m not ready to give up luxuries like a bed, A.C., and cold water. There are those “luxuries” again haha! God gave me a bed in every country, AC in five, and cold water in one. Being without has made me infinitely more appreciative of being with.
I’m not ready to not have my laundry done exactly how I like it. I have scrubbed my laundry in a cement laundry station and rinsed it with lake water. I have used dubious washing machines in Central America, Africa, and Southeast Asia then hung my clothes to dry. I have learned the trick to not losing your underwear to strong winds is to loop it around the line. I went a whole year without fabric softener (but yes, I will still use it AND dryer sheets when I get home!). I got my laundry washed, dried, and folded for me at a shop in Indonesia and wish those ladies would come do my laundry that way the rest of my life; it’s never smelled better!
I’m not ready to live in 24/7 intentional and challenging community. Surprise! I’m an extrovert and my favorite living arrangements have been when the hosts make us all live in the same room ha-ha-ha! The “intentional and challenging” part have been both of those things and more. I’ve both struggled and thrived in community. I’ve learned so so much about myself and others and communication styles and personality types and how to have hard conversations. Every minute has been worth it and I will miss it.
I’m not ready to depend wholeheartedly on God and my squadmates. This has been the hardest and most rewarding part of the Race: learning to trust God wholly – trust every part of Him with every part of me – and depend on the people around me to love me, see me, fight for me, be Christ to me, and do life with me. I was stubborn and prideful and independent before the Race, and this experience has broken me of so much of that, though some still lingers.
I’m not ready for the next-level vulnerability the Holy Spirit is going to lead us into. Man, I LOOOOVE vulnerability. Sit down, let me tell you all my thoughts, feelings, and struggles. I’m an external processor and I’ll let you hear it all. Let me invite you into it, too. I’ll listen as you share in return.
I’m not ready to live in places I’m not familiar with. When I wrote this, I had never lived anywhere but Midlothian (my hometown), Harrisonburg (my college town), and at camp. This year I have slept in 26 different places (not including busses and airplanes), called 11 of those “home,” and made 11 cities my home for 3-4 weeks at a time. “Unfamiliar” doesn’t stay that way very long anymore. The not-like-home-ness is what makes travel so fun and exciting! Sure, the strange bathrooms and weird smells can be uncomfortable, but you adapt quickly.
I’m not ready to be immersed in culture unlike my own. I remember that this made me nervous, but now I can’t remember why. I have experienced many cultures this year, some I just got to witness and others I fully immersed in. I am so thankful for all of these experiences, and I cherish every invitation I received to be Indian, Afrikaans, Sesotho, Thai, Bahasa, and more.
I’m not ready to live where no one speaks my language except my team and maybe our host. Central America was a fun time of using all the Spanish I thought I had forgotten (you pick it up again fast when your team needs you to translate haha) and we were blessed with many people who spoke English, too. In Africa, basically everyone over the age of 10 spoke English. In SE Asia, we’ve found many who can speak English, many who try their best, and many who don’t know any at all and that’s okay. One of my biggest lessons from this year is how blessed I am that English is my first language and how sad it is that English is my only fluent language.
I’m not ready to be completely “unplugged” from technology and social media. Well, apart from two months of intentional social media fast, deleting Instagram four months ago, and my data plan not working in Swaziland, I have been “plugged in” all year. I haven’t had the same amount of down time and definitely less desire to mindlessly scroll, but I have kept in frequent contact with family, friends, and loved ones this year. Having an international data plan saw to that quite nicely. However, that’s a very unique aspect of my experience that most other Racers don’t get.
I’m not ready to leave behind my friends and family to the uncertainties a year can bring to all of us. A lot happens in a year. There’s no mistaking it. But I know that I can trust my God to be active in the lives of all of my loved ones like He is active in mine. I might not be there with them, but He is. I am very excited to sit down with friends and family next month and hear all about what I’ve missed. It’s been hard to miss life events like moves, weddings, births, engagements, and more, but it hasn’t changed my friendships and that means so much to me. There have been times – like when my granddaddy was having heart trouble – that were really hard to be far away from the States, but God showed His goodness and provision and kindness in every single one.
I’m not ready to miss out on a year of their lives. Ditto to above haha.
I’m not ready for my mom and my closest friends to be too far away to call when I’m stressed, upset, or anxious. Wow, I have learned so much about taking stress and anxiety straight to Jesus to nail to the cross. I’ve become less dependent on people and more dependent on Christ. I’m still learning to seek out prayer first before blowing off steam on the phone or in a text. But I have learned to trust the Christ in the person in front of me and ask for help in the moment, too.
I’m not ready to spend every day serving in ministry that isn’t guaranteed to be enjoyable or pleasant. Did I enjoy every single ministry on the Race? No. But was it always meaningful Kingdom work? Yes yes yes yes yes and amen. Therefore, it was always worth it. And out of 11 months, I absolutely loved 7 out of 11 ministries! That’s not too shabby! Not to mention two days off a week for rest and adventure!
I’m not ready for the place of deep brokenness God will lead me to before guiding me into full dependency on Him. Wow, I remember this place. I hit it in Lesotho, month four. I told my leadership team, “if this isn’t brokenness, I don’t want to know what is,” and in the following weeks I was drawn into deeper dependence on and intimacy with Jesus than I’d ever experienced in my life. So. Worth. It.
I’m not ready for the inevitable anxiety attacks and nights full of lies from the Enemy. I’m just going to undeclare this in the Name of Jesus over Jess from a year ago, because there is nothing “inevitable” about this because the Lord protected me from these, which I experienced frequently before the Race. Hallelujah! He’s a good God!!
I’m not ready to be homeless for a year. It’s a beautiful, humbling, and life-changing thing to always have to rely on someone else for your shelter and sometimes food and water. It aids in the whole “dependency” thing. I haven’t had a home in a year, but I’ve had strange places and people which became home to me.
I’m not ready to be unemployed. The most satisfying work I’ve done this year is work for which I received no payment or praise. God provided richly for me financially before I left, and I haven’t felt uncomfortable financially all year – hallelujah!
I’m not ready to face the injustices all over the world when I already feel powerless in the face of injustices here. I have seen many things that I will never see in the United States. There is brokenness in the States and there is brokenness in the world, but they many times look very very different. Even today I had a conversation with my host about financial poverty in Manila and spiritual poverty in America. It all gives me a deep pain of heartache and sadness, just the same.
I’m not ready to get sick – really sick – in a foreign country. Praise the Lord, I have not gotten sick on the Race! A couple of head colds is all I’ve had! Hallelujah!
I’m not ready to use third-world bathrooms – especially when sick. Ya know, squatties aren’t that bad… 😉
I’m not ready for uncertainty that the water I drink and the food I eat will be safe to consume. Our hosts have done an incredible job of ensuring our food and water is always safe to drink. I’ve had some of the best food of my life on this trip, and I’ve stayed hydrated all day every day, so I think they did their jobs well!
I’m not ready to be exposed to my privilege, pride, complacency, and laziness. I’ve had to come face-to-face with these things many times this year, and every time it ends in confession, repentance, claiming victory over them, and walking in the freedom given to me by Jesus.
I’m not ready to come back to the States after a year away. This part still weirds me out. Things will be different. I will be different. There will be a period of readjusting, figuring out how to live in America again after all I’ve seen and experienced. There might be some reverse-culture-shock. I might not understand “my own culture” anymore, and y’all might not understand me unless you’ve done long-term missions. It’s going to be interesting, and we will all need grace for each other haha.
I’m not ready to be dependent. Oh, but God did not create us to be independent! And it’s so worth it!
I’m not ready to be humbled. Oh, but the smaller we are, the greater Jesus can be and the greater His strength will be in and through us!
I’m not ready to hurt. Oh, but the Lord is a kind, sweet, gentle, and faithful Healer!
I’m not ready to be fully known. Oh, but how much freedom in found in vulnerability!
I’m not ready to trust. Oh, but it’s so sweet and so rewarding!
I’m not ready to be changed. Oh, but our good Father never leaves us where we are; He always has something new, better, more glorious in store for us! And it is always always always good!
I’m not ready for the World Race. But who ever is?
… this I know above all of my unpreparedness:
I cannot make myself ready by my own strength.
I tell you this now, as present-day Jessica: We were never intended to do any part of life on our own strength. God created us fragile and weak-willed because He desires intimacy with us so so much. He knows we can’t do life without Him, so like the Israelites in the Old Testament, He puts obstacles in our way to bring us back to Him time and time and time again. Because He loves us and He wants us to depend on Him and His infinite resources. He is faithful and good and will never ever fail us.
Hallelujah! Amen.
There’s going to be probably 2,934,692,345 more things in my life that I am not ready for, but God has taught me in the past year that He is so so trustworthy and faithful in every season and in every trial, and if I wait until I’m “ready” to do the things He has called me to, I will never do them. Because He wants me to walk in faith. And faith says, “I can’t, but God can!” And that will always be enough.
To God be the glory for all good things!
Jessica
