It’s been weird – being gone from home for a handful of months (10.7), and seeing things change. During month one, I lost my grandmother. It was tough to lose someone I loved very dearly when I couldn’t do anything but pray! No hugs, no closure really, just left with the knowledge that she’s gone and I’m not there.
Month 7 I lost the one and only dog my family has ever had, Buddy. Although super obnoxious at times, I loved him a lot! He was the breaking point for tears when I was on the way to the airport in January as I left my family behind. I left the house in such a hurry that I didn’t get a chance to have a proper goodbye with my dog; and now he’s gone.
Month 8 I lost a man that was an uncle to me. He passed due to cancer that he had been diagnosed with AFTER I left in January. It just didn’t seem possible that an illness could take people that fast. The same happened just last Monday during month 10, a very close family friend (father of my brothers best friend from childhood) passed away after being diagnosed with cancer. Again, the diagnosis occurred after I left in January.
It’s just mind boggling to me all that can happen in short periods of time.
During month 4 I had also found out that one of my best friends had been taken advantage of physically. The amount of emotional and spiritual warfare that occurs after that is just so grand she hasn’t been the same ever since. There are STILL days that I just long to hug her and encourage her, six months later. However, the Lord has been teaching me all throughout the year and through all of these heartbreaking tragedies that I’ve been getting in the way.
Getting in the way of what? Well, Jesus Himself. I have seen that it truly hurts me to not be there for these people because I feel like I can help them in some way. In all reality, what is it that I can do?! I can support them, stand by them, and listen to them.
HELLO, you don’t need to be physically present to do any of those. I have tried so many times in my life to be a backbone for others that I haven’t one; felt feelings of my own, and two; allowed God to take care of them. This has shown me that God wasn’t enough in these aspects of my life. I want God to be enough, so what do I need to do?!
Step back Jess.
I don’t get the epic story times with three people I was indeed looking forward to seeing when I got home. I don’t get the hugs or their stories or their laughs. But I do get to rest in Jesus’ arms knowing that I loved them when they were here, that I got to pray for them and their families throughout the process of their passings. The Lord has blessed me abundantly this year and throughout my whole life, no, I won’t let the enemy tell me lies in regards to “not being there” or them not being there upon my return.
I was blessed before I left in January to have a phone call with my grandmother. She had called me just the day before I left home realizing that the last day she saw me might be her last. Hearing that in her voice was heartbreaking in itself but what she had to say was just going to force my heart into overload growth mode and it hasn’t stopped since.
You see, my Grandmothers husband (my Grandfather) unexpectantly passed last August and we believe that my Grandmother was indeed dying of heartbreak from it. They both knew of my desire to do this World Race missionary journey and neither of them were too happy about it. I remember believing full-heartedly that they would learn to love it when I came home with all the awesome stories to share. But for some reason I still had a craving for their blessings before I left.
My Grandmother spoke her next words “Jessica, your Grandfather and I are so. proud. of. you. You had a dream given to you and you’re not stopping at anything. You raised the funds and I am just so proud of you.” It didn’t stop there “God will keep you safe and protect you. You will see so much and change so much throughout this journey”. I immediately responded, “yes Grandma, you’ll see just how much when I get back!”.
I knew she wasn’t doing well but all parts of me wanted to speak it into existence that she would get better and be healthy by the time I got home.
She began to cry, trying to stop the sobbing from existing and she said “Yes, yes I will”.
We exchanged loves and I praised the Lord in the heartache that I had a deep and personal conversation with my Grandmother as our last. The Lord was present in it my friends and I was being SMOTHERED with favor and love, all while my heart was breaking at the same time.
Fast forward to when I found out about her passing and I just about crippled over. I was about to head to bed when I saw that my mother had tried calling me the day before and messaged me. We had been out of WiFi due to being in training camp in Uganda Africa. WiFi isn’t popular there. I read the message : “I really hate to message this to you, but your Grandmother passed away this morning”.
I didn’t think it was real at first. I realized I was in pain, but it wasn’t due to my heartache, but instead my fathers. Before I left, my dad had just lost his father, his only son had just gotten married, and he was taking care of his mom as well as all the finances and paper work that needed to be done. The burden was heavy and I could see him carrying it even just through his voice.
…
The Lord held me, grabbed me by the face, and said “Jessica, feel the mourn”.
Friends – the Lord has been teaching me to step out of the way to let Him step in and to step out of the way so that I can see where I myself am at. From your heartache, to your work stresses, to your friend in need, to your future – it’s time we all let go and truly let God take care of all the things.
The blessings in return are just ridiculous.
