So, I’m just gonna be vulnerable with you guys and just talk a little bit about how God is directly working in my heart.
One night during team time, we were all handed rocks and were supposed to write on them our biggest burden. Then at the end, we all put these rocks in one bag. The bag became extremely heavy that many people could not carry it on their own. But, this symbolizes that we don’t have to worry about carrying all these burdens on our own because God carries them for us. What I wrote on my rock is “feeling alone”.
I’ve struggled with a fear of feeling alone for my whole life. Not being super close with my family and switching schools a lot as a kid, I never felt like I had someone who truly knew me and was always there for me. During many of the hard times in my life, I found myself alone to deal with the way I felt and kept many of my feelings inside. This caused me to always strive to find someone that I can be super close with and depend on them in any situation. So, I always felt like I had to have a boyfriend. Starting in 7th grade until the end of high school, I would most likely always be dating someone. Many guys I did not even have feelings for, but I dated them so that I had someone I could always talk to and not feel alone. This made me feel great for awhile, but when me and that guy broke up, I would have to start all over again. So, I didn’t have someone who was there for me for a longer period of time in my life to fully know me.
But, then hit the summer before sophomore year when I started dating someone new. I didn’t even want to date him at first because I just got out of a relationship a couple days before, but I went for it anyways. He ended up being very different than all the other guys and I was able to fully open up to him about everything in my life. I shared with him all my secrets and everything that I struggled with in the past and the present. He never judged me and was always there for me through thick and thin. The night I lost a friend, the night my brother was in the hospital, and the night that I could’ve lost my own life: he stayed up late to be there for me. With him, I never felt alone and I felt that I was loved for who I truly was. This guy stuck with me for almost 4 years, so he knew me better than anyone else has ever known me. He became a very important person to me. Because of this, I began to put him before God and to love him more than I love God.
After being accepted to the World Race: Semesters, I realized that I need to work on truly following God and following the purpose that He has for me. I realized that my main focus was on worldly things (friends, school, my job) and not on God. So, I decided there was some change that had to happen to my heart. Obeying God’s calling for me to go on this trip is one way that I have obeyed Him, instead of doing what I wanted. This sudden change in my heart had made it very difficult in my last relationship. So, without all the details, I can say that that guy and I have stopped communicating since the beginning of my trip, which really hurt my heart. This made me feel extremely alone the first couple weeks of my trip and I struggled a lot with listening to words of the enemy. The enemy told me that my voice was not important and that I did not matter. I believed this. Well for the first week I believed it. I now know that those were lies.
The truth is, I am not alone. The truth is that God knows me way better than that guy knew me and God loves me unconditionally, more than any other human can love me. While worshipping during training camp, God told me that it’s okay to not have a human that fully knows me and loves me because God fills that space. During that song, God reminded me of a time when I was in 6th grade when my best friends no longer wanted to speak to me anymore. I was walking through my school hallways, and I felt so alone without my friends, but I just held out my hand like I was holding hands with God. Through that, God taught me that I don’t need a physical person to be there for me, but I only need to rely on Him and put my trust in Him, then I will never be alone. In that time, I found so much comfort because I felt that God just took so much weight off my shoulders. All the worry that I had was just gone. Being on this trip, I have learned so much about leaning on God to find comfort. I am able to go to God with everything and He always listens to me. My very wise team leader keeps reminding me, “when you begin to clean your room, it always gets a little bit more messy at the beginning. This is the same for when you begin to clean your heart out and to follow God”. My life might’ve seemed kinda messy at that moment, but I know that God has even bigger and better plans for me and that He will always provide. Sometimes it’s very hard to lose things that were so important to you, but when you follow God, He will provide you with something better. Better than you could even imagine.
“Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me” John 16:32 ESV
