It’s been 3 months since training camp. God did a lot of growth in me during that time. But you know what? I didn’t enjoy it too much. I didn’t feel like I fit in with my squad (as a whole). I felt judged and unaccepted. I felt weak compared to everyone else. I felt “not as fun” as everyone else.
“But God has me here,” I thought. “And I will be in a smaller team each month.”
But here we are, entering month two. And guess what?!?! It’s All-Squad month, meaning we will all be together for the ENTIRE MONTH!!
Two days leading up to the transition into Guatemala, I started worrying. “What if I don’t fit it? What if I’m not accepted? What if this is a horrible month?”
My team and I left the comfort of our El Salvador home at Mas Que Vencedores. We boarded a bus with the rest of our squad and rode 3-4 hours across the border. We stayed just outside of Antigua for our team debrief, where our coaches and squad mentors joined us from the U.S. to discuss how the first month went and how to move on from here.
But when I arrived, all the feelings that I had about training camp filled my mind. I didn’t sleep well. I spent the first day and a half crying frequently. My teammates were supportive, but I didn’t invite them in to help me. I pushed them away (politely). I struggled all day!
…Until worship service that night. I cried during worship (what’s new?!) Our squad mentor, Jeremy, talked to us about shame. Shame is the strategy the enemy uses; it’s a bunch of lies that we believe about ourselves that influences how we respond.
I was believing the lies of rejection; the lies that I wasn’t good enough; the lies that I don’t belong on this team. Last month was amazing and I didn’t have those thoughts, so why now?
Jeremy encouraged us to speak our shame; to get it out into the open. The best way to deal with shame is to bring it into the light. So, through many tears, I told the group how I felt.
The group didn’t say much. But they didn’t reject what I said. They have been faithful in reaching out to me in the moments that I don’t reach out to them. They are willing to keep me accountable to keep those thoughts out of my head. While it was hard and intimidating to share that information with the group, it was freeing, and I wish I did it sooner with my team, who tried to help. Those feelings are now gone, and I’m choosing not to accept them back.
While it will still be a difficult month for me since I’ve never been much of a social butterfly in a larger group, I’ve agreed to reach out to my squadmates and to build relationships with them. I’m here for a reason!
