My heart was broken on Valentine’s Day. While everyone went on “dates” with the Lord, I stayed at the hostel and cried with the Lord.
Over the last two months, I haven’t felt myself. I’ve been praying for joy to get me through each day. Some days are great. Some days are a struggle. I’ve longed to go home, to surround myself with family, and to get back to the best job in the world. I’ve struggled to find my place on the team and on the squad, and to find my place on this trip. I’ve struggled to express myself without offending my team and those I love back home.
This month, I’ve spent a majority of my free time praying—for myself, my team and squad, my family and work family, friends, etc. I prayed that God would allow me to feel myself again.
And He did. On Valentine’s Day.
He chiseled at my heart. He broke off the hardness—all the lies, hurts and regrets—and revealed my true heart. He showed me how people in my life have spoken words unintentionally that have bound my identity. He’s showed me how I’ve changed my behavior to adapt to the situation instead of using my identity to overcome the situation. He’s showed me how I’ve stepped back from myself to prevent friction in our team.
“Jess, you allow people to walk all over you”—No, you give people grace and mercy; you chose to see the good in people despite what they do or how they act, and you refuse to give up on them.
“I don’t think you are really as positive and joyful as you made yourself look when I first met you”—No, you were yourself when he met you; he saw the pain in you as you walked through rejection, hurt and depression over the following months.
“You work too hard. You never think of yourself.”—That’s true, but I gave you a servant’s heart, and the joy that you have reflects it.
One I’ve heard over and over again on this trip: “You need to allow others to serve you.”—I’ve given you a heart to serve, and you find joy in that. Not everyone is meant to serve you, and if you put that expectation on them, they will disappoint you. But I have called you to serve, and you will always find joy in that.
Remember how joyful you were as a kid? How often you remained positive and joyful, even through the hard times–like when Alex locked you in the pantry with the lights off for hours at a time? (Don’t worry, I’ve forgiven her and it is an inside joke now). Do you remember how joyful and positive you were when you got hired at AMR? That only ever changed because you let the circumstances overtake you. I’ve created you as a joyful and positive person—that is part of your DNA.
So, while my heart was chiseled on this day, it was the best kind of love—the love that unbound my identity and restored me to my true self!!
