So, I’ve realized a few things over the last week. I have realized that I am terrified. And I really worked hard to push all these fears and insecurities about the Race out of my mind since November! But last night, my mind was just racing about all the things about the race, leaving my people, and leaving my home. We’re about to get REAL vulnerable for a minute. Strap in.
Im so scared of leaving. I’m scared of leaving my home and my friends. I’m afraid that when I come back, we won’t be close. I’m afraid that my friends will just forget about me. I’m scared of airing out my sins and asking people to walk with me towards Jesus. I’m scared of loneliness. I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of trying my hardest and still failing. I’m scared that I won’t bring anything to the table at our ministries. I’m scared that I’m not good enough to be playing worship and that I won’t be a good team leader. I’m scared that I will come back the same, and also scared to come back different.
I seriously spent the whole night last night playing through all this and more. I had coffee with the Lord this morning and just told Him everything. First, we worked through all the ways I try to build my own kingdom. I cling so tightly to what I think I need and what I think I want. I run to approval, affirmation, and pride before running to Jesus. I grasp for control rather than trusting the Lord to provide for me and fulfill my dreams. I use confidence to cover deep insecurities and try to hide my weaknenesses and sins. And, I try to project this version of myself that I desperately want others to see- a Jess who is always on her game, never needs anything, and never fails.
But, Abba didn’t stop there. He breaks down my kingdom little by little (because I’m so stubborn) and pulls me closer into His. The kingdom of freedom and light. The upside down kingdom that never ends and never fails. He reminded me that all these things I am so scared of leaving behind are 100% worth leaving. Whatever I give up for Jesus will ALWAYS be worth it. In Him, I am chosen and I am loved. I do not have to live like an orphan, scratching and clawing to get what I think I need. I am callled to live as a Child of the King. The Lord so tenderly reminded me, again, of how He has prepared me. He gave me gifts, talents, and passions that He wants to use to bring His kingdom here on Earth. I don’t have to compete with anyone for a seat at His table. I am free from comparision.
Here’s some verses that He pointed out to me today:
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. -Hebrews 11:6
and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. -Matthew 7:25
The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17
Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ. -Galatians 4:7
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. -Ephesians 2:13
Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. -Matthew 10:31
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. -Matthew 10:37-39
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no varation or shadow of turning. -James 1:17
So, this morning, after I just sat and drank coffee and dwelt on all these truths, I wrote this little letter. Really I think the Lord wrote it to me. Just telling me, once again, all the things He wants me to believe about Him and about myself.
Jess,
Love me more than you love your friends. Love me more than your dreams. Love me more than your home. Love me more than you love your parents. Love me more than you love anyone or anything else. I can and I will give you what you need. You are so important to me. I am better than anything you give up for me. Losing yourself in me is really the only way to find out who you really are- who I created you to be. You’ll never find the abundant life I have for you if you try to control things on your own. Come out with me and let me show you what I’m talking about, my girl.
-Jesus
