I’m so mad at you, God …
In my pouty little voice I say that every time I have to get out of bed and hop through the house on my crutches because of my chipped fracture from falling in the metro station in Romania, the LAST day on the field … every time I cough or have to blow my nose, yet again because of my sinus infection … and every time I have to take my nasty liquid herbal de-worming parasite cleanse (which is three times a day, by the way) because it’s suspected that I have also picked up a parasite/worm along the way …so to say I have been mad a lot recently may be an understatement.
I’m just so mad …
I had a plan. God knows I like to have a plan. I was going to make a life for myself back home. I was going to be making more money than I ever made in a month. I was going to find a new church back home (because my other church is where I lived before the Race). I was going to get plugged into small groups. It was all in the plan … but now those plans seem shot …
I’m just so mad …
I’m so restless and I just can’t do anything! I can’t drive … I can’t walk … I just lay in bed … I don’t have community anymore … Hulu has become my best friend … some World Race Alumni I am …
I’m just so mad …
Everyone keeps giving me the word, “rest…” They keep saying God is speaking to me in this … directing my steps through my circumstances … but I just don’t know if I can get past how mad I am to listen …
… at least I’m putting in words how I feel … I guess that’s a start …
When they told us about the three styles of re-entry … I don’t think this is what they meant by “the alienator …” I don’t think our “mad” energies should be channeled at God. If anything, I’m supposed to be mad at America, the church, everything that didn’t change … but guess what? I didn’t change that much either if I am still getting so upset with the place that God has me right now … and so here I sit the very worst World Race alumni …
11 months … 11 countries … and it took less than 11 days home to hit what feels like absolute bottom … and I thought AIM was crazy when they started preparing us for this elusive “re-entry” at our 8 month debrief … so I guess there was a method to the madness …
… I haven’t written part 2 yet … but I am trusting, praying, and hoping that God picks me up from this miry clay I’m in right now because I’m struggling to keep my head up right now … this is all so foreign to me … and I am trusting, praying, and hoping that God sets my feet back on solid ground … I need life right now, and I need to see the light at the end of this tunnel.
