I sit here in an internet café in Uganda, wondering … How
did I get here? How have I gotten to this place where everything I thought I
dreamed of is being put on hold to go through one of the most trying times in
my life? Have you ever gotten to that place where you think you have everything
figured out, or in my case everything comfortably hidden, only to realize that
you’re only on the verge of falling apart?
I feel like I have become a slave to silence the past couple
of days. What does that even mean? I feel like to me it means that my voice has
been quieted, not by anyone but by my own doing. I feel like I am in a constant
state of processing. I am at an orphanage living in constant community and yet
I am choosing to be silent. I am choosing to push down my voice that should
probably not be silenced right now. I am on The World Race in an environment
suited for openness and intimacy, and here I am, sitting quietly. When did I
lose my voice? Physically, it’s there … but currently I don’t have the strength
to use it. I just watch. I watch the growth happening in others around me. I
watch from the outside. I am one of twelve, but honestly, I feel alone. My team
hasn’t done this. The other team hasn’t done this. The enemy has done this. He
has told me that what I have to say doesn’t matter. He has told me that my
voice isn’t important. He has told me that I am not heard.
But knowing all of this … where do I go? I am here just
waiting for everything to flip, everything to change, and everything that has
plagued me before to no longer plague me. You can go literally around the
world, you can be on mission for God, you can be doing everything in your power
to change what is bothering you but it’s not in you and it’s not in me to
change. I expected to be the one who was going to help others on this trip, but
right now, I have to help myself, rather God has to help me. I am having to
experience emotions that I don’t want to deal with, I am having to face a
reality that problems don’t go away when you cross to the other side of the
world, and I am having to find my voice amidst the silence. I have to learn who
I am right now, and I know that the Lord has a plan in this, but right now, The
World Race is not the high adventure mission trip I expected … The World Race
is a season of my life where I am having to learn to deal with things that I
would much rather never deal with, ever. You can’t go into this trip and not
come out broken. I feel like all those walls I’ve built in my life are
cracking. I keep trying to patch them up with quick fixes but pretty soon, I
won’t have anything left to try. All that will remain is me, trying to figure
out who I am, and how I can be who the Lord has called me to be. That’s it.
