It’s one of those dreams, rooted deep … covered up a few times … hidden out of fear that it will never be fulfilled… guarded a few times out of fear that it’s not what I really want anymore, but knowing that deep down it really is. Month 11 is here and the end of The World Race means the beginning of figuring out your “dream.� They usually ask you about your dreams in relation to what you’ve seen in the world that you want to be a part of changing … what is your passion? What makes you come alive? I have that dream, already. That dream is starting to take shape, there’s a plan of action … there’s excitement … there’s desire to see it happen. But then there is the other dream, the one I act so nonchalant about, “It’s whatever … if it happens, it happens …� but secretly feeling completely inadequate to play the leading lady in that dream. In this dream, I close my eyes and I see an intimate but thoughtful setup, a ring, a proposal … and then I see myself standing hand in hand at the altar, wearing white and completely in love with the man who stands before me. I dream of being called, “bride� … I’ve been trying to stop the avalanche of thoughts bombarding me in this dream but it doesn’t help when my secret love is watching surprise proposal videos on the youtube. So then I just sit there watching, dreaming, longing to be that girl … any of those girls … but doubting that I’m good enough to be in that role. If I were meant to be married then why am I not one of those girls who turns the heads, one of those girls who is more than the friend, one of those girls who already is in a place to be the “bride.� What else do I need to do to fit the part, it’s like the dress is eight sizes too big and I am never going to grow into it, it’s like God is telling me that by denying this dream I am not “bride material.� I know God told me my next kiss would be on my wedding night, which obviously implies there will be a wedding. I know God has me journaling to my future spouse, which obviously implies there is a future spouse, but as this chapter of the Race and required singleness is coming to an end, I can’t help but wonder if this is a dream that will go unfulfilled. Is this dream going to be the one where if only I had been a better woman of God then I would have gotten what my heart desired? I know I am not even 25, but I feel like I am at the end of myself, I am at the end of going at all my dreams and desires alone. I know, I know … I am not alone because I have God, but have you ever realized that you’ve been trying to lie to yourself to keep from being hurt? “I don’t really want that job, I’m not qualified enough anyways …� “I don’t really want that item, I don’t really deserve it anyways …� (okay that may be a stretch, but you get where I am going with this…) Well for me, I try and convince myself that “I don’t really want to be married; I’m not good enough to be someone’s wife…� The second part is ignored, the root of it all, so really after so long I just start saying, “I don’t really want to be married.� It’s easier to try and make myself believe I don’t want that than it is to think I want it and it will never happen. Where am I even going with all of this, I think I expected this blog to have more of a point … or maybe just processing on paper what has been going on in my head just felt … needed. I don’t know, I just see all of these proposals on the youtube and engagements and marriages on the facebook. Social media is really just tearing up my mind and making me want for things I don’t have. On the train ride here it hit me, Month 11 is going to be a fight, and after 2 days in Chisnau before even arriving to ministry I am being attacked and bombarded with all these feelings of inadequacy and yet desire for the future, I can’t even imagine the fight that will lie before me as the days wind down. I’m in a transitional funk … it’s surfacing as a future marriage conflict, but really it’s just an internal conflict where I’m just genuinely struggling to remain present and invested. My go to response at the end of each season of my life is to withdraw quickly and abruptly and early … preparing myself to not be upset/emotional/whatever you call leaving your current stage in life to figure out your next stage in life … unfortunately, when I try and begin focusing on what’s next to distract myself from what is ending, I tend to struggle with staying invested. So now here I go into this weird month where everything is coming to an end, where my heart wants to just move on, but knowing that I will regret wasting my last month on the field if I don’t snap out of this … funk. So I guess this blog isn’t really what I thought it would be, but then again, I don’t really know exactly what I expected … The moral of the story is … I do want to be married and I do want to stay invested in the final month of ministry … it’s just hard for me to see right now that either of those are possible. Please pray for me as I seek the next step in my life and as I fight to find the fight to finish strong. I will be home soon, but even sooner than that I will be in Tirispol, Transnistria to minister, so Lord, please help me focus on the present and not my confusion about the future. Amen.
The Dream God Won’t Fulfill
*this was going to be the title but I changed my mind, but figured it should still be included*
