I have this friend … this friend who is really just the enemy.
This frenemy follows me around, keeping me company.
His name … insecurity.
He prides himself on his ability to find my weakness and to convince me that he knows best.
He likes to whisper these lies that sound like truths …
He likes to convince me that he is my only real friend … He’s the one I should turn to when I feel like noone notices me … those times when I feel invisible.
“Don’t worry … not everyone can be as smart as (insert name)”
“It’s okay … you can’t expect to be as strong as (insert name)”
“Really … don’t be upset that you can’t make friends like (insert name)”
My frenemy insecurity is a little selfish and likes to make sure that he keeps his thumb on me, he wants to make sure that I don’t realize the truth and start living in that truth.
The truth that says …
I am a beautiful daughter of the King.
I have been created in His image, and that means I am perfection to Him.
I am worthy to be in community and in relationship with people.
But see my frenemy knows that I know those things in my head, he knows that I can say those things until I am blue in the face but he knows that as long as he can keep my heart believing the lies than he wins.
Sometimes looking back, I think I expected The World Race to be my quick fix for all my insecurities … Go on The World Race and become a new person instantly. Become someone you have never been. Believe things you have never been able to believe about yourself before. Trust people in a way that you have never been able to trust them before. Believe that you can pretend that you’re not shy long enough that you believe it and start acting like you have all the confidence in the world. I mean isn’t that in the fine print of The World Race application …
“Guaranteed to make your life perfect or you get your money back.” Right? Didn’t I sign on the dotted line for that promise? Didn’t The World Race agree to fix me? Ha.
Wrong.
I hate to admit this but this crazy exciting missionary life … eleven countries … eleven months … is really just living life abroad. I still struggle with the same things I struggled with sitting at home. I am still the shy person I have always been. I am still a people pleaser. I am still having to deal with my frenemy, insecurity. It’s all still here. I didn’t get away from it by traveling to the other side of the world.
The World Race didn’t fix me.
There’s only one person who can fix me … Christ.
I am learning on The World Race that my life will only be changed when I believe the truths not the lies, when I let myself trust those around me, and when I get over this “it’s all about fixing me” mentality and just love people.
Now that you have met my frenemy, I hope you never have to meet him in person, trust me … there’s way more freedom when he’s not tagging along.
