Dear Man of God,
You may or may not actually know me, and if you do know me,
you probably don’t really know me. But man of God, you know me. I am a girl
that has been in your life at some point in time.
I need to admit something to you. I have wronged you.
I made you my idol. I sought you out to make me feel
beautiful. I sought you out to make me feel loved. I sought you out to make me
feel safe. I sought you out to make me feel wanted.
I thought you would fix all of my problems, and then I found
myself disappointed when you failed to be my knight in shining armor. I blamed
you. You hurt me. But you didn’t, I gave you a title that you were never meant
to carry, Savior.
You couldn’t save me, and I thought that because I didn’t feel beautiful, it was because you didn’t make me feel that way. But my beauty isn’t based on your words. Christ has made me beautiful on the inside and that
beauty can exude on the outside. Your words could never make me beautiful, but
you told me anyways. I called you a liar, you were just saying that I was
beautiful, you didn’t mean it.
Man of God, I apologize. You meant what you said. I just
needed to believe it for myself.
You couldn’t make me feel loved, and I thought it was
because you couldn’t ever love a girl like me. But I didn’t love myself, and
you could never make me feel something that I couldn’t feel for myself. I hated
myself, I hated who I had been, how could you love a girl like me? I put up
walls to keep you out, and I blamed you for not trying hard enough to love me
for me.
Man of God, I apologize. You tried to love me. I just wouldn’t love myself enough to believe that to be true. You still loved me. I know that
now.
I ran to you to feel safe. I had been hurt in the past by
boys, and I wanted you to be different. I wanted you to prove me wrong. I
wanted you to protect me. But you couldn’t make me feel safe when I tried to
find every reason that you were like those ones in the past. I expected you to
be perfect. I expected you not to hurt me. I expected you to never mess up, and
when you did I went on the defense. I thought I had to protect myself from
you.
Man of God, I apologize. You are human, and I expected too
much. I clung to you and held you to an unattainable standard, and when you
slipped, I made you feel like the bad guy. I was quick to anger, slow to
forgive.
I needed to belong, to feel wanted. I needed you to sweep in
and give your undivided attention to me and when you didn’t pay enough attention
to me you were being selfish. You didn’t care about me. You were just another
boy that was going to abandon me for the next best thing.
Man of God, I apologize. I was the selfish one. I used you.
I needed you to make me feel noticed. I didn’t care how you felt, because I didn’t think you really wanted me in your life. I just wanted the instant gratification of being with someone, anyone. I didn’t give you a chance to
be different. I just let you keep pouring into my life while thinking you were
only doing it to get something from me. I know now that you didn’t expect
anything in return (though rightfully you could have), you just genuinely desired for me to feel beautiful, loved,
safe, and wanted.
Man of God, will you forgive me?
I know now that I put you in a place you weren’t meant to
be. I know you are seated in heavenly places and you are a co-heir with Christ,
but you aren’t my Savior.
Christ calls me beautiful.
Christ says I am loved.
Christ protects me.
Christ has chosen me.
I don’t need you to make me feel beautiful. I don’t need you
to make me feel loved. I don’t need you to make me feel safe. I don’t need you
to make me feel wanted.
But you know what, Man of God?
You can make me feel beautiful. You can love me. You can
make me feel safe. You can make me feel wanted… but only because I now know all
of those things to be true for myself.
I used to be the victim, but I am now the victor. I just
apologize that you had to be hurt in the process.
Sincerely,
A Woman of God
PS: I wrote this letter as an open letter. I know I am not
the only woman of God who has ever made a man of God to feel this way. I am
taking the liberty to apologize on behalf of us as a whole. Though we
may all have different circumstances behind why we treated you the way we did, I
am sure all of us who are now learning to walk in our true identity in Christ
would like to apologize on behalf of the insecure girls we used to be. So from
the deepest place in my heart, I apologize.
