The past several days, I have felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. I've been having a very difficult time coming before the throne. I've had a difficult time returning to my daily worship and prayer times. At first, I was puzzled…not sure what to think or feel, but now I understand. See, for a moment there I was running. I wanted again to do God's will with no intimacy with God Himself. One must ask themselves why they get this way especially if that person sees a pattern. I've done it time and time again. I will be good for awhile…seeking His face regularly, spending time in His presence and seeking to do all He has called me to do. Then I get this thing where I want to do His will but I lose all desire for intimacy which then leads to a lack of clarity. I begin to spin in all different directions and at the core of it all, I, in a way, begin to run from God.
So…the other day when I began thinking about all of this and how my vision aligned with this vision up north and how I was stuck here and yada yada yada. I couldn't help but realize how much I miss 1) My Fathers heartbeat and 2) Being in the place where He has called me to be. Sounds funny in a sense, because I had actually decieved myself in to thinking that I was in the center of His will…in the midst of His presence…yet…no peace…
I am grateful for His love and mercy. I'm grateful that despite all this, all He wants is for me to return to His face. He wants me to seek Him not run from Him. I know He uses all things for His glory and this will be one of them. I know that while I am in this season, He is preparing me…healing me…and really…humbling me. I know that this is a season of restoration. There are many things He is going to restore in and through it all and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also amazed at how He has been faithful to speak during this time and grateful that I can still hear Him.
My vision is being restored…slowly but surely, things are going to come together. I will face forward and march on. I will not shrink in the midst of adversity. I'm going to allow God to show me the reasons why I stop and begin to run, and from there, I will work (in His strength alone) in getting to a place where this is no longer an issue.
I don't know about you, but I know that for myself, all I want is to be in His presence and out of that flows my ability to be in His will.
