If I were to come on here and tell you that my life is fantastic and great and rosey beautiful, I would be lying…
When I was younger, I struggled with major depression. Suicidal thoughts overwhelmed every move I made…whether I wanted to admit it or not. If things were going well, it was "too good to be true" and things were going to come crashing down so why be happy. If things were going horrible, there was "no hope." This was the way I thought and I let it rule me.
I didn't care if i hurt someone because I was selfish.
I didn't care if I made someone mad, because I was…selfish.
I didn't care if someone hated me, because I was….selfish.
I didn't care if I unleashed bitterness and hatred towards people…I was selfish.
I simply did not care!
I had no concept of serving…no concept of freedom…and definatly no concept of genuine love.
So, I go through a life changing season of about 2 years. I was poured in to and discipled like no ones business. I spent months working on getting to the root of life controlling issues and problems. I spent months sitting in the quiet, learning to hear His voice. I spent months having people correct my motives, correct my heart, and correct my attitude. I spent months listening to people and what they wanted me to do different. I spent months living with a bunch of women…I spent years learning how to function in ministry. Those two years gave me insight to freedom that was really, beyond the comprehension of many.
Little did I know then, when I entered that season that my life was going to be forever changed.
So, what does that have to do with now and my life not feeling all peachy? Well, lately I've been struggling…and it has been the farthest thing from easy.
Little did I know that when I went through that season, each struggle I faced after would cause me to battle for something I cannot see.
I moved out of that situation but continued to cling to it tightly in my heart. Then I found out about the World Race. Boy…did God show up. I knew it was where God was calling me and I was excited. I couldn't believe that God was placing such a huge opportunity in front of me…yet I knew in my heart, it wouldn't be easy. So then I move home.
Next month it will be a year since I moved home. That wasn't the plan. I went around the mountain again and now, I will be leaving an entire year later than what was originally planned…but God. He uses all thing for His glory and He is even doing that now in ways I could never have imagined.
So, the whole thing…I've been struggling and more than ever, I know the war is real and the war is on. My flesh longs to live outside of the realm of the christian walk. My flesh longs for "freedom".
One thing I know though…that in the midst of this, God is preparing me to once again walk in complete freedom. The things that i have surrendered to that wrapped me in bondage once again, are in the process of being worn down.
Those chains are being weakend every time I say no to the lies and hold fast to the truth.
Those chains of depression that have once again come at me trying to take me out are weakened every time I get out of bed and say I am going to praise the Lord and live for Him.
Those chains of fear are worn down every time I say "Yes Lord, I will go."
Those chains of anxiety are weakened every time my chest hurts and I refuse to back down from whatever I am facing.
Those chains of hate are weakend every time I choose love.
Those chains of bitterness and unforgiveness are weakend every time I choose forgiveness.
Those chains of lust are weakend when I say no to the temptation
Those chains of rejection are weakend every time I choose to acknowledge that I have a Lord and Savior, a Papa, that loves me beyond anything I can comprehend and that He is never going to leave my side.
And one day, those chains will be completely broken and I will once again walk without any weight. I will once again walk in that complete freedom. No chains on me…because I've been set free.
Sometimes freedom comes instantly but other times it takes persistance. This time around for me, it is going to take persistance. I allowed those chains to once again wrap me up but if there is one thing I know…God is good and God is able. He does not want His children to be tied down and that is why, He is faithful. He is faithful to strengthen me to be persistant in coming in to complete freedom.
Tonight…all I know is this: I have a Papa that is comforting me as I realize that I have a long road ahead of me. So, what I am saying is this, I am not giving in, backing up, or relenting. I am pressing in for complete wholeness and freedom. I am pressing in because today, I realize once again it's not about me…it is about those life that God has called me to touch and influence.
What an amazing thing to know that God wants to use me and love through me.
I can't wait to see what God continues to do in me….
