Desert. What do you think of when you hear that word? Do you think of dry, secluded, windy, sandy, or dusty? No life…or limited life? I know what I don't think of and that is dessert. When I hear "desert" it is not something that causes a positive reaction out of me. It is not something that I look at as exciting or anticipate it with joy. Instead, I tend to have a negative reaction of dread towards such word.
It has been a month since I have written….anything. No journaling. No blogging. No writing. No releasing. No processing or reflecting. All there has been is just a lot of head nonsense. I think about everything….and I tend to analyze even more. I take a situation and try to inspect it from every angle with every possible outcome. Sometimes I do this over and over for the same thing….for example, my life journey. To serve Christ or not. To allow myself to be captivated….or not. To love as He has loved me, or not. To serve or not. To go or stay. To be content or not. To deal with where I'm at, or be miserable. The choices are endless or so they seem, but really, it all comes back to one thing….Jesus.
It has been over a year since I got accepted to go on the World Race. When I got accepted I looked at the opportunity totally different then I do now, a mere 7 months before I leave the country. Originally, I looked at it as a fresh start….a new beginning….a launching pad into my calling….a break from all the confusion and decision making around my position here in the states…which ministry to come under, who to be friends with, where to live etc. The list went on and on. Did I think it would be difficult….yes…of course I did. I was not stupid. Raising $15,500 to send me to 11 countries for 11 months wasn't going to be easy. The packing one bag to live out of, wasn't going to be easy. Now, over a year later and 2 postponements, a lot of stress, and a loss of initial shock of leaving the country to travel, my view has changed a bit.
Over this year, I have realized soooo much that it is hard to capture it with a mere string of useless, incomprehensible words. Any words I say, will not do the experience justice. I have had more nights of fear filled tears, stress filled days, lack of contentment with my current path and situation, more desire to return to the old lifestyle, more desire to simply run…and escape.
I once lived in this bubble in my faith. That bubble was a bubble of protection and security. I knew real freedom yet, I had a program around me that "protected" me and kept me in line. If I was struggling, I had people to remind me where I came from and strengthen me in the Lord. Even once I was out of that bubble, I still remained close to some of those people who would kick my rear if I was doing something wrong. And then it happened, I moved away, lost touch and lost deep connection with many of them. The ones I still were connected to basically let go. They left me to be an adult and make my own decisions but for me, that was tough. I relied and sought the security of having people tell me what to do. As crazy as it sounds, I feel as if this season has challenged me more than the 2-3 year time period I spent in Teen Challenge.
My faith has truly become my faith. Though I struggle at times to read my bible and pray and keep intimacy with the Father a priority, more than ever I know my God. I know that this walk is truly a challenge and every choice I make has an eternal effect. I'm either breathing life or death….there is no middle ground. I am not going around the world to travel or be a missionary….I am going around the world to continue to follow Christ. It is where He leading me, therefore I go. Money looks impossible and that is fine. My time away from the states looks impossible, but that is fine. My post-trip planning looks horrid, but that is fine. My post trip life looks uncertain, but that is fine.
Above everything….I know this one thing and I will sing it off the mountains until the die I go see Him face to face and that thing is…my Father came to this earth to save everyone….to provide another way because of love and unless I follow in His footsteps and seek to show Him to the world and be the light that I am called to be, I will be miserable and will go nowhere.
Remember….there is a reason for this season and His name is Christ. It's all for Him and His glory.
