So, in my last blog, I basically chronicled the major leaps the Lord has brought me through in the last few months, regarding insecurities. A lot of what I learned in the last month or so was crammed in about a three-day period in Tanzania. That’s when we met Laxon, and that’s when the Lord showed me all of that from Jeremiah 17. There were two other major things that contributed to this massive word from the Lord:
1) Reading a couple blogs that my sister wrote about insecurities. She wrote them almost exactly a year before these three days of revelation. I had read them when she first published them, and I can remember thinking, “Wow, she’s brilliant and brave,” but that’s where my interest ended. But this time, when I read them in the midst of all these revelations, it was like someone knocked the wind out of me. Every word she wrote resonated in my spirit and felt like I could have written them myself (only more eloquent). This just shows how much the Lord had revealed to me in the last few months– the last time I read these blogs I didn’t think they applied to me at all, and now I can relate to almost every word. The Lord used those blogs to just affirm everything He had been teaching me in the last few months, and once again to hammer it into my heart and head that it’s all about His glory.
Here are those blogs… there are two parts:
http://lethoperise.com/2009/11/05/insecurity-pt-1/
http://lethoperise.com/2009/11/14/insecurity-pt-2/
Now, this is not nepotism or personal bias at all– my sister is a freaking brilliant writer. Please please please go read these. They will help you understand what exactly it means to struggle with insecurities.
2) This one is much scarier to write about on this blog. I started writing out a Word document that basically outlined all the ways that my insecurities manifested themselves in my life– all the little lies and doubts planted by the enemy. It sounds strange, but I wanted to kind of map them all out, to see if I could figure out any roots or connections. It just felt like something I needed to do. As I started typing these things out, I started realizing (or the Lord started hinting) that I was writing this stuff for someone else to read… I started to get the idea that He wanted me to write this stuff out as a confession for my team.
… I’m sorry, what??
Of course, I FREAKED out.
I thought, “Hell no! I’m embarrassed to even write any of this out and validate these ridiculous thoughts, let alone tell someone else about them!” But the more I kept writing and praying about it, the more peace He gave me. I was supposed to let my team read this. As part of the healing process, I felt like He wanted me to confess, not only to Him, but to this intimate community He had placed me in. I really, really strongly believe in the power of confession– not in the twisted way that some see it, but just as a way of bringing hidden thoughts and motives into the light so that the Lord can start truly healing them. In the dark they just fester (actually, my sister wrote an incredible blog about confession here). So I gave my team the two blogs written by my sister, followed by my own “confessions.”
I was terrified.
But my team was amazing. They were so encouraging and uplifting, and gave me even more insight and wisdom. And it honestly felt good to let them read it. To air out the poisonous thoughts that are constantly popping into my head. I felt lighter after I finally opened up and confessed all of it to them.
Buuuuuuut it looks like even that wasn’t enough.
So here, on the world wide web, I am posting this “confessions” document. In the hopes that someone else might glean some encouragement or challenge from what the Lord has begun rescuing me from. Because my sister was so incredibly brave in posting this over a year ago, and I learned so much from her own confessions. If you are reading this, I would strongly urge you to go read my sister’s blogs first. They really are amazing. Then you can come here and read my story.
Here it is.
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My Story
Let me preface this by saying, I know how messed up all this is–it’s completely ridiculous! And it’s all such a horrible lie from the enemy. That’s what’s great about where the Lord has me right now: He’s redeeming me out of all this. So I’m telling all of you this as a sort of confession, to get it all off my chest, and for accountability. Plus now you guys will know what the crap I’m talking about when I go off about insecurities. I’m certainly not healed, and I struggle with this every single day–you guys have seen the rotten fruits that come from all this, because I am still struggling with it so much. BUT the Lord is redeeming me. This is a huge step for me–being in a place where I really recognize all of my insecurities and can confess them. So here it goes.
I am constantly comparing myself to others. About everything. In areas where they are better, I am insecure and feel completely inadequate and ashamed. This usually leads to me resenting myself and that other person. In areas where I am better, I puff up with pride, and I draw attention to those areas to try and get acknowledgement for that accomplishment. This also somehow leads to resentment– I feel superior over that other person, and ignored when I don’t get the attention for being better.
I am constantly seeking attention. If someone says they like something, I have to make my opinion known. If someone else gets attention for something I also like/have/do, I either make sure everyone knows I’m the same way, or in some cases I refuse to acknowledge whatever that person says, because I don’t want to give them the attention that I want.
I also am aware that I do all this and that it’s wrong and ridiculous– which leads to self-hatred. So no matter what, I’m always the worst, most screwed up person, because I compete and compare. Everyone is always better than me because I’m so messed up.
All this adds up to me feeling like I am too much and not enough at the same time.
—Too much emotion, too many issues, too insecure, too hungry for attention, too annoying, too prideful, too competitive
—Not enough grace for myself and others, no true strengths (because even though I might have some little talents, there is always someone way better, so that’s not enough), not pretty enough, not funny enough, not witty enough, not smart enough, not well-read enough, not strong enough, not loving enough– no real strong spiritual gifts
Some examples of the ridiculousness:
-I’m terrified to post this, for fear of being judged by how wretched all this is.
-I didn’t want to tell my team about this, because I feel like it’s annoying– like I’m constantly an overemotional basket case who never stops complaining and talking about myself.
-I constantly seek reassurance and want approval and acknowledgment for whatever I do. (i.e. any time I sing–hence why I’m so hesitant to do it, it becomes a pride thing almost instantly)
Conclusion
This is by far the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. A lot of this I’ve never even really admitted to myself, let alone to a group of people. So I’m asking for a lot of grace in this. What I am not asking for is to be constantly reassured, or to have compliments thrown at me. It’s not your reassurance and attention that I need. I want so bad to be healed of insecurities–I’m so tired of being focused on myself, of constantly seeking attention and needing it from others. I’m tired of giving myself to other people– of caring more about their opinions of me, than what my Savior thinks of me. I’m tired of His love for me not being enough. I am praying that the Lord will bring me to a place where His love and affection are enough. And I believe He has me doing this as a step in that direction. I wrote most of this just as a processing thing, and I freaked out at the thought of letting you guys read this. But this is me confessing the lies. Because I know they are lies–now I just need to live in the opposite Spirit. No small task–I definitely can’t do it myself. It has to be the Holy Spirit that makes these changes in me.
This morning I woke up with this Misty Edwards song stuck in my head:
You won’t relent until You have it all– my heart is Yours
I’ll set You as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm
For there is love that conquers death, jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this thirst.
Come be the fire inside of me, come be the flames inside my heart
Come be the fire inside of me, until You and I are one.
My heart is Yours.
He really isn’t relenting until He has all of me. He’s walling me in with thornbushes so that I all I can do is turn to Him. But He’s showing me His sovereignty every single day– that He is good, and He is in control–that He loves me.
“It was only in forcing myself off of that seesaw and forcing my focus to the glory of God that I began to break free of that pride/insecurity cycle.”
“It is about Him, all about His glory — and when we act like it, we are aligning ourselves with truth (1 Peter 4:11)”
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So there it is. My confession, His glory. Thanks for stickin’ with me. 🙂
