It is BIZARRE to me that we’re already done with the first country.
Apparently a rule on the race is that days go by sloooooooooooow, but
months rush past. One country is checked off the list, I’m sitting in a
giant, beautiful orphanage with all 51 of my squadmates bunked all over
the place, and this is where I’m at:
I am scared to death of not being changed on this trip.
I’m
starting to realize that I am a very, very social person. I crave my
alone time, but for the most part, if there is a social-something going
on with people I love, I’m there. And because of this, it is very easy
for me to not make time for the important stuff, like digging into the
Word. And, unfortunately for me, I am able to fake it pretty well. I
can have deep conversations about the Bible with my teammates without
actually cracking open my Bible. I can turn on cruise control and spend
the day hanging out with my team and then read a book before I go to
bed so that I don’t “have time” to really process through what the Lord
is doing in my heart and in the heart of my team and the people we
meet. And all of this scares me to death. I want to be changed. It’s a
scary prayer to pray, but I want to be broken for the world.
While
I was still praying about coming on the race, my brother was basically
trying to talk me out of it and he said, “You know that going on this
thing won’t just suddenly make you a spiritual rockstar, right? It’s
not going to fix everything.” At the time I agreed (because I was
trying to placate him 🙂 sorry Bub!) but I didn’t entirely believe him.
I’m going on an 11-month mission trip! Of course that makes me a
spiritual rockstar!
Turns out he’s wiser than I knew.
Just
because I’m here, living out of a backpack, living in community,
working with different ministries– that doesn’t get me to intimacy
with the Lord. It might make me look good, but it’s doesn’t
automatically draw me closer to Him. I still have to work for it. I
have to sacrifice my free time with my friends and learn discipline,
and pray that that discipline will turn into desire, so that I crave
my alone time with the Lord every day, more than I crave the fellowship
with my new family.
It would be so easy for me to coast
through this. To turn on auto-pilot, have fun with my friends, and
watch the months roll by. But I want something more; I came here for
something more. I want to be changed.
For the orphan.
For the widow.
For the Kingdom.
For the Lord.
