“For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.”
Deuteronomy 4:24
The second night at worship with my squad as I was thinking/praying about things I realized something. I am tired of starting over. It makes me weary to think of starting over alone, from scratch, when I get back to the US. I’d decided that I didn’t want to do that again unless absolutely necessary. Then I realized that this is what the Lord is doing with me now. Making me start over. Alone. Again.
I feel stripped of everything. All of the people and things that I’ve come to depend on on this World Race. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Burton and Shay aren’t with me this go round on a day to day basis and neither is Rachel. Part of me really wants to crawl off and stay in a corner by myself…I can get by on my own without these other people. I’ll just skip Christmas this year too because I don’t want to deal with the fact that I’m not home with my family.
Don’t worry. I’m not really going to do any of those things, although I do have to fight these things at times. It’s been a tough week. Very up and down. A lot of emotions. Several travel days from Nepal to India. LOW sleep and new everything.
One of my favorite things about God though is the fact that He doesn’t change. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Hallelujah! He is my stability. He is stripping me, yes. It can be very painful and uncomfortable. It can seem unfair and senseless. And then I’m reminded of something new that the Lord has been showing me…
The Father is jealous for me. I’ve struggled with this meaning before. How is it okay for a holy God to be jealous?? First offl, He is the one true God deserving of all our praise. He is WORTHY of my everything, every corner of my heart and life…wanting all of me for Himself, not to be shared with another. How amazing is that?? The Lover of my soul wants me all to Himself. He wants to take me to new depths of intimacy with Him. He’s stripping me of the things that I think I need, that I think I want, in order to come to a deeper dependence on Him. I can’t take others with me no matter how precious they are to me. This is about my relationship with Jesus and how He wants to refine me to become more like Him. He’s making me into the best version of myself for the next step in my life (thank you Shay). He’s making me more complete in Him so that I will be able to love others more fully, more like He does. He doesn’t want me to depend on others for my security, for acceptance, for my worth. That’s His job, and He’s really great at. Refining is a painful process, but you come out purer because of it, more whole. God gets all of that yuck out and pours out more of Himself on us.
So here I am coming into this next season on the Race…Stripped…taking off the old and putting on the new. Fill me up God.
“One thing God has spoken two things have I heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord, are loving.”
Psalm 62:11-12a
