Monday morning worship began.
The lights were dimmed, and there were two small stands set up with communion and a lit candle. People were invited partake as they felt led during worship. It was a great setting to quiet your spirit and your thoughts and just BE with Jesus.
This past Monday morning the Lord seemed especially close to me. I tend to get distracted very easily around lots of people and end up becoming self-conscious. I HATE that. The Lord helped me out a lot this week with that, and I became less aware of people around me and also found a little place off to the side where no one else was.
It was wonderful.
The Worship Track at Adventures has ventured into songwriting recently and one of the songs in particular stands out to me.
For one, the first time they introduced it, I couldn't even bring myself to sing it.
Here are some of the lyrics:
"I will wait on You, as long as you need me to. And strength will rise up in me. Cause I wanna rise on wings like eagles. I wanna run and never stop. I wanna climb Your holy mountain. I wanna meet with you my God!"
A couple of months ago I was at a point where I did not want to wait on God any longer for things. I was sick and tired of it. The thought of willingly declaring over and over that I would wait on God as long as He needed me to was awful. My heart was not in a place to want to submit to Him in that way. At least not joyfully.
I'm happy to say that over the past two months the Lord has softened my heart. He's also convicted me of a lot of selfishness and focusing on the earthly things around me and getting caught up in them instead of focusing on Him.
He's also convicted me of comparing my life to others. By now, so many of my friends my age (and younger) are married and are beginning to have children and have settled into comfy homes and routines. If you know anything about my life, it doesn't reflect that at all.
So waiting on the Lord for things can be hard!!
I feel so justified in throwing my little fits and having my pity parties. If I'm viewing things from a worldly standpoint, then of course I feel justified. But if I look at my life through the lens of the Father, then I certainly do not have a "right" to have things the way I want them, when I want them. It doesn't usually work out for the best anyways.
From my own life experience I KNOW that the Lord's plans for my life are better than my own. His timing has always proven to be perfect. So it actually doesn't make any sense when I look at God's record that I would think that He would be making a mistake right now. It's just not in His character.
So anyways, I'm worshipping and singing this song with a joyful heart, knowing that as I wait on the Lord in so many areas of my life that it will be worth it.
During this time I was taken back to memories of hiking mountains when I lived in Colorado.
The Lord showed me so many analogies through it.
Hiking is definitely a love/hate thing for me. I'm not the most athletic person in the world, but I do love the outdoors and connect with God in a special way by just being in His creation.
The first mountain over 14,000 feet that I hiked stands out to me.
Handies – 14,048 feet, San Juan Mountains, Grizzly Gulch Route, August 2008
I remember we had hiked for what already seemed like an eternity, and we came out of the trees and there – a long ways ahead – was the mountain we were attempting to peak. We weren't even there yet!!
I wanted to quit! I was totally like that whiny camper who wanted to give up and needed encouragement. Unfortunately, it was an all staff hike so I had no excuse and no kid to focus on. Luckily, I had some amazing friends for encouragement who helped me push through.
As we hiked we saw some amazing sights – beautiful Columbines, stunning lakes, mountain goats and marmots and views that would take your breath away.
Sometimes when we're hiking a mountain we just look down at our feet so because we're afraid of taking a wrong step and falling, but in the process we miss out on the beautiful things around us. We miss the scene.
Sounds like my life. Almost constantly looking at the things on this earth or my daily tasks and missing out on the beautiful things around me – people, places, moments that I can't get back.
During the process I almost always want to quit at one point or at least every five seconds after we get out of the tree line.
When things begin to get difficult in my life, I tend to begin to question God's character, and if He really knows what He's doing. The gap between my head knowledge and the true beliefs in my heart begin to show – and I want to sit down and quit.
I have to stop a lot and catch my breath.
I feel like I can't keep up with everything happening around me but eventually I have to pause; I have to rest.
I tend to compare myself with the others I'm hiking with, and I pretty much always fall short (literally and figuratively).
Too many times I get caught up the comparison game. There are always people around me that seem to know more, to be more in tune with the Spirit, more spiritually discerning, more, more, more. It's too much, and it sucks the joy out of life always trying to be the best parts of everyone around you instead of just being who God made you to be. I won't ever measure up to everyone around me.
At some point we usually break for lunch and a sandwich or some trail mix is all of a sudden the very best thing that you've ever tasted.
The Lord satisfies us in such a deeper way after we've stop striving and enjoy what he has placed before us.
When I get to the top, I am ALWAYS glad that I pushed through. It's so SO so worth it! No picture can begin to compare. It's that moment of getting to the top, of accomplishing the task you set out to do. It is a very sacred moment. You take it in. You breath deeply. You are satisfied at a deeper level than you imagined. You don't regret the pain that it took to get there.
That last paragraph is the main point. It is WORTH IT. Following Jesus is worth it. Is it painful at times? Yes. Do I want to sit and quit sometimes? Yes. Has He ever slighted me? Never. It's always turned out better than I could've imagined. I always had to be willing to take that first step though. I had to be willing to keep on persevering. Then looking back, I'm always glad I took the journey, and I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. And there are people that you are forever connected with because of the journey, the blood & sweat & tears and all the laughs along the way.
So I was encouraged by the Lord so much on Monday. He just reminded me of who HE is. He reminded me that in my weakness He is made strong. He reminded me to have hope. This pain will be worth it.
He also reminded me to take joy in the journey. I need to stop and pay attention to the scenes around me and truly BE in my life. Take a breath. Abide. Partake. Laugh. Enjoy.
As I end my time at Adventures and in Gainesville I want to take joy in the people around me. I want to savor every moment. I want to take the pain and bittersweetness of ending this season and moving forward as a good thing. It means that a piece of my heart has once again been placed somewhere were I cannot stay. It means that I've invested in and been invested in by others. We've deposited something in one another and shared life together in way that was more than surface level. That's why it hurts.
What was once new and intimidating has become familiar and safe.
Now the Father is inviting me to know Him more by taking me to another place, literally to the other side of the world. He is once again increasing my dependence on Him by taking me out of my comfort zone. But I know that the rewards will be great. It will be worth it!
So…
"I will wait on You, as long as You need me to, and strength will rise up in me. I wanna rise on wings like eagles. I wanna run and never stop. I wanna climb Your holy mountain. I wanna meet with You my God!"
All photos were taken on my original hike up Handies, summer 2008
