So this month has felt a lot like high school to me. Before you jump to conclusions of mean girls and teen drama let me explain.
With being almost half way through month 10 of the World Race I find myself trying to prepare for home. Amongst things like trying to get a job lined up for when I get home, I am also trying to figure out what I want to do post race.
Since being on the World Race I have discovered and/or rediscovered things about myself and I have had old dreams and talents resurrected. In this process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life (a lot like senior year of high school) I have found that I have a problem. There are so many things I think I would want to do and yet I really have no idea. I am stricken with the fear of failing and the reality that I am not in high school or college and I have to do something with my life. I am also determined not to live a mediocre life. To live a life of adventure and love and fulfillment. I am fearful that I won’t find my niche. That I’ll be stuck working in some job somewhere that pays the bills but doesn’t excite me or motivate me.
They say that hind sight is 20/20. I believe this is 100% true. If present day me could go visit high school me the summer before my senior year, I would have told her to not give up AP Art. I would have told her not to worry about college and figuring out my whole life then. I would have told her to go out and work and travel and make mistakes, to learn who she is before making decisions that cost thousands of thousands of dollars. Unfortunately, that did happen and I did give up art and I did go to college and graduate 4 years later.
I’m not saying that I regret any of the decisions I have made that have lead me here (sitting on a hard bed in Mongolia), because I don’t regret those decisions. In fact, I think under the circumstances I made some pretty good decisions. I just wish I had known the things I know now about myself then. I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this sentiment.
As I go through all my options of post race life choices, I find myself back at the drawing board. A lot like 18 year old, high school me, I don’t have any idea what I want to do. I thought I had laid out three solid decisions that I was happy to choose from. Then the Lord threw in some things just to think about that sort of ruined my previous thinking. I remember feeling this way trying to decide on colleges. Thinking I wanted to be a nurse and do medical missions, but not knowing really if that is what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Why do we force these massive decisions on 18 year olds? It really isn’t fair.
So I find myself back at the drawing board with nothing, yet everything. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what comes next. There is no one telling me where to go or what to do or who to be. There are no directions on my roadmap to life. It’s like someone ripped that part from my map and I still have to navigate myself to where ever I’m going. Do I want to go back to school, be an artist, a graphic designer, a barista, a dietitian, an health coach, a councilor, a yoga/Pilates instructor, a combination of the above or none of the above. The possibilities are endless. I can go anywhere I want and be anything I want to be. The problem, which I’m sure you’ve picked up on by now, is I don’t know. I feel like I should know but I don’t. I feel like at this point in my life I should have a plan, but I don’t.
I have found myself dreaming again and this is scary and exciting. But now I have something to lose.
I want something bigger. Something meaningful and I’m sure once I find it I’ll know, but right now I don’t. But maybe that’s ok. After all in only 25. I’ve got time right? I hope so.
