What do you think of when you hear the word introverted? Do the words loner, socially awkward, or antisocial come to mind. Do you think of someone who doesn’t like being around people or parties? What would you say if I told you I was introverted? Would you believe me?
To be an introvert means that you draw energy from time alone with yourself. That you thrive in smaller setting and being around lots of stimulants an people for long periods of time drain you. I am very much so introverted. While being so I love being around people and doing life with people. I love going out to bars and parties and hanging with friends. I do really well in a large group setting and I have a lot of fun. What you don’t see is the hours of time it takes for me to become that person. In order for me to be the person you see when I am in group settings requires a lot of time to alone. Alone with myself and alone with The Lord. I thrive off my alone time.
People told me that life on The Race would be hard and it might be even harder for me because I am introverted. There in never really any alone time. You are always with at least one other person. This week I have felt really overwhelmed. Being in a country that you have never been to serving and living with people who are basically strangers, never being alone and trying to figure out each person’s personality and get some sort of feel for who they is overwhelming. You come “home” to a room with three other people in it and the only “alone” time you get is when you headphones are in your ears and your eyes are closed. That is not enough, but it is all I have.
It feels like I have been treading water all week long and my legs have finally cramped up, gave out, and I begin to sink. I hit this wall yesterday that I couldn’t get over. All the singing, talking, laughing all became noise to me. Almost like a static in my head I couldn’t turn off. It felt like no matter what I did to try to create that alone time it wasn’t enough. I found myself getting irritated really quickly. I wasn’t able to get good rest. I couldn’t turn off the static.
This really scares me because I know that this is what life on the Race looks like and that this is only the first week! I want to learn to thrive in community but I also know that this is the way The Lord created me. I build relationships with people one at a time. Sharing vulnerable details about self in a group larger than 2 literally make me feel sick. I feel close to people when I get to spend one on one time with them. I only share when I feel safe and other than time I don’t always know what it takes for me to feel safe. I do know that it is something natural that can not be forced or rushed. Nothing about how I am who where The Lord had brought me has been forced or rushed. I be extremely stubborn but I learn and grow and I get there eventually. I know The Lord knows these things about me. I know that he wouldn’t place me somewhere that would hurt what we have already accomplished. I also know that these things are not always possible on the Race. I have literally thought several times this week “what on earth was I thinking agreeing to this?”.
I really want to process this out loud but don’t feel entirely comfortable to do so yet. I’m not even sure if I have all the words yet to even say everything that is in my head right now. I have pushed myself in many ways to be open and vulnerable and to prioritize so that I can have time “alone” and time “alone” with The Lord. I know that it is not impossible for an introvert to thrive in this community but at the present moment it feels very hard.
I want to grow and I want to be pushed and I want to thrive in community. I know that The Lord has be in this place with these people for a reason.
Today (Saturday) was our off day. I was able to get rest and have some time to process and be with Jesus, but I also know that this can’t be a once a week thing. I need to be rested and filled every single day. If not this whole time on the race is going to be an uphill battle. I will only be nearly surviving, holding on until the next day off and I don’t just want to survive the World Race. I don’t really know what the purpose of writing this was other than to share that I am struggling right now. I am struggling with the idea of community. I am struggling with the though of being constantly surrounded by people 24/7 for the next year. I am struggling with feeling very guarded and feeling the need to protect myself. I am overwhelmed with how overwhelmed I have been this week. And I am terrified of this becoming my new normal.
Please pray for me as I navigate throughout this. Pray that I would hear The Lord through all the static and that I would be able to find and create time alone with him. Pray that I would not work on this out of my flesh but I would rely on his spirit to fill me and to guide me.
